What does the Black Belt mean to Me
And
What do I plan to do with It
Linda Margaret McDonald Flakes
When I started to think about what getting a Black Belt would mean to me, I had to look back a long way. To understand what a Black Belt means to me, you would need to understand a little about me. I grew up in a Military family. We were always traveling and we moved quite often. I attended about 9-10 schools beginning with first grade in Germany, later a boarding school in England, to my senior year at Del City High School in Oklahoma City. I went to lots of other small schools for short times while my dad waited for orders to go someplace else. It was hard to make friends and even harder to keep in touch with them. Most of the time I would live in a make believe world because it was easier than living in the real world. I tried out lots of different activities trying to find one that I could like, but mostly, one that I would enjoy and be comfortable doing. The one thing that I would fantasize about most often was being a martial artist. I did this, because then I would not have to worry about being afraid of unknown things, places or people that I would meet every time my dad would get transferred to a new Air Force base.
When I was very young, beginning at 4 years old, I began to study ballet, and studied for about 5 years, quite a long time considering I wasn’t very graceful. I realized, finally, that not being very tall with even shorter legs, asthma, and not being very coordinated, that I would not make a very good ballerina. I came to that understanding after the ballet instructor told my mother that I should find something less strenuous because it took stamina and that my asthma would not allow me to advance to the toe shoes, which is fairly difficult to master. I began looking for another form of enjoyment that was graceful and elegant because I really enjoyed ballet.
Linda at 5
When we moved back to the United States from Germany, I needed something to do. My mother checked into what the new base offered for its summer programs. I did not know how to swim or dive, so, at the insistence of my mother, I began to take swimming lessons. After learning to swim I took diving lessons. I enjoyed diving off the high boards until I cracked my ear drum, from diving to deep, and at that time I had to stop diving off the high boards. I learned to be a life guard so I could stay active at the pools. I tried to learn as much as I could at each base where my dad was stationed. Although, I liked to swim and dive, I wasn’t always able to find a pool to practice at and without practice you can’t get better.
My dad knew that I wanted to replace ballet with something special, something that I liked. I told him that I wanted to be a super spy who could do Kung Fu and my dad said that girls didn’t do things like that. I wasn’t very old but my dad remembers me telling him that girls should be able to do anything that boys could do. My mom and dad were old fashioned when it came to what girls were supposed to do. Their feeling was that girls should get married and have a family. If it was practical or could help you earn a living then it was worth learning as a girl. Now, my dad was a private airplane instructor and he thought that I might like to learn how to fly a small plane. He said that this was something that was practical and something that he could help me with.
My dad started teaching me how to fly a small plane when I was about 9 years old until my mother found out and that ended that. She felt that it was too dangerous for someone my age to be doing. Over the years my dad would from time to time take me up and let me fly which was fun but not what I was really looking for.
My dad, also, bowled on several leagues and suggested that I try bowling. I started bowling when I was about 10 years old. By the time I turned 16 I was a bowling instructor for the younger beginning bowlers at the base bowling alley. I was pretty good at bowling. I kept an average of about 180-200 most of my high school years. My junior year of high school our bowling team placed 2nd in state. Although I enjoyed bowling a lot, I still fantasized about studying one of the martial arts.
Linda's High School Senior Picture 1965
When we moved to England, the base that we were at didn’t have a swimming pool or a bowling alley yet. They were in the process of being built. My mother suggested that I take piano lessons until they could get things built and could go back to swimming and bowling, so I did. Practice pianos were fairly cheap in England at that time. I took lessons for about 3 years and got to be pretty good, but then we got sent back to the states and the piano weighed too much to ship back. That ended my playing the piano because it was to expensive to buy a piano when we got to Del City for my Junior and Senior years in high school.
I, finally, got an opportunity to go with a friend to watch a martial arts demonstration. The forms were so beautiful; they were as beautiful as any ballet that I had ever seen.
Even today, I love to watch a well done ballet performance. I went home and asked my dad if I could take Judo, Karate, or TaeKwonDo. His answer was “no,” and that was because it wasn’t something that girls did, at least, not one of his daughters. My dad is now 81 years old and has kept this opinion, even now. The only thing that I could do was go to watch and cheer on my friends. All through high school I tried to convince my parents that the martial arts were for everyone. It didn’t do any good. I still continued to go to the tournaments to watch friends, go to any movie that had any form of martial arts and watch any television show that had “Kung Fu” as part of the action.
I got married at 17 and have been married to my husband, John for 40 years, had children and worked but I have never missed an opportunity to watch or enjoy any form of martial arts, especially when one of our friends was actively involved. My family knew and, sometimes lovingly, teased me about how much I enjoyed watching and trying to imitate the movements in the martial arts demonstrations, movies or television shows that I watched, therefore, made them watch or go to see occasionally. Although, my father and mother never understood how I felt, my husband did. He had, also, grown up traveling from base to base with his family and understood how hard it was to participate in some of the different activities that kids like because they may not have the opportunity at the next base that they would be at and how easy it was to live in a make believe world.
Marriage to John June 5, 1965
Over the years of married life, we have lived and worked in many small towns. There was very little or next to nothing to do in some of these towns and definitely nothing to do with the martial arts. My husband bought some Tai Chi tapes for me for Christmas one year and I enjoyed trying to do those, but it still wasn’t what I was looking for. I wanted to participate with other people so I could learn from and with them.
Married 40 years this June -Picture take Dec.2004
Several years ago, I was the Director of Faith Formation for a pretty large church in Grafton, North Dakota. One of my job responsibilities was to make sure that the high school juniors in our program met the requirements for Confirmation. One of the requirements for this program was to attend sessions once a week for one hour which created a problem for one of our young men. He came to me and explained that he really wanted to be confirmed, but that he was in training for his Black Belt in TaeKwonDo. I asked him what the problem was. He explained that because of our location (a very small town 45 minutes north of Grand Forks, North Dakota) his Saboem Nim/Master could only come to Grafton once a week and that was only on Wednesday evening and that there was no other time during the week that he could get to Grand Forks. He told me that if he went to TaeKwonDo he would end up missing about 15-20 minutes of the hour session for confirmation and that his parents had told him he would have to put getting his black belt aside until he was confirmed.
Putting off his Black Belt would mean a whole year and he was extremely upset and angry at his parents for their attitude about something this important. I asked him how important was getting his Black Belt and what was his ultimate goal in TaeKwonDo. His honest reply was that if he could go against his parents to get his black belt, he would, and then he would work on getting confirmed at a later time next year. He said that it made him angry that he had to pick one over the other because they were both part of him and both important. His parents felt that his church should come first. He told me that his goal was to be able to teach young children, to help give them self-confidence and self-esteem, so they would feel like they could accomplish anything that they set their minds too. The young man was extremely surprised when I told him that I understood exactly how he was feeling and that I did not think he should have to choose, especially when choosing one over the other would make him angry and dislike his church and his parents, after all, his parents are there to help him grow into a good adult. I told him that the only way I would be willing to work this out with him was that when he tested for Black Belt, that I got an invitation. The other condition was that he would make it to the sessions each week as soon as his TaeKwonDo sessions were over, even if he was in my class for only 30 minutes a week. He never missed a session and was very good at completing the entire set of requirements for the confirmation process. I did get to go to his testing and he did get his Black Belt. I got to see him receive his Black Belt and he was confirmed with the rest of the young people in my class. He was one happy young man and because he received his Black Belt when he did, he was able to travel to Korea for 10 days and study with the American Olympic team. He brought me a cloth calendar back from his trip and spent some time talking about his experience in Korea. One day he made the comment to me that “as much as you like TaeKwonDo, why don’t you find a way to learn to do it yourself.” It was at that time that I decided that someday I was going to find a way to study TaeKwonDo. It took me about 10 years to get to the point.
Linda as Director of Religious Formation, St. John's, Grafton, ND
About 3 ½ years ago my husband asked me if there was something special that I would like for Christmas. I jokingly said, “Sure. I would like to take TaeKwonDo.” His immediate response was, “Call around and see if you can find a place.” I hesitated to call because by now I was 54 years old, overweight (although I had just lost 85 pounds), my knees were bad, and I battle with fibromyalgia and asthma. I was so out of shape. I was afraid I would embarrass myself and my family. At that time three of my grandchildren were enrolled at the community center, so we went to ask their instructor, Master Boyle, if there was a place that I could go to learn considering my age and limitations. His response was “Why not here?” My first though was that I didn’t want to embarrass my grandchildren because there isn’t anything worse than being embarrassed by a parent or grandparent. I, also, was not sure just how much I would be able to accomplish. I have always told my children and my grandchildren that they should never be afraid to try something new no matter how hard it may be and no matter what their age. They could never fail if they gave it their all and did the best that they could. If they gave it their all and it didn’t work out, then it would be a good experience and they would never have regrets for not trying. My husband reminded me that I had always tried to live my life within a certain set of guidelines and I should continue to live that way and that meant that I should at least try for my dream of learning TaeKwonDo.
Breaking My First Board
It didn’t mean that I had to be the greatest at it, just that I give it my best no matter how good or bad I was. I have always tried to teach by example and not just by what I say. One of the first things that I learned was that there were Tenets of TaekwonDo. I took a look at the tenets and tried to see how they fit into my everyday life and to see just how I might fair as a student of TaeKwonDo. Being a student of TaeKwonDo needs to be an everyday, every moment item in my life, not just when I walk into the Do-Jang.
My grandchildren and I show our broken boards
My understanding of the Tenets of TaeKwonDo
as applied to my life
Courtesy
I have tried very hard both in my private life and in my work place to treat each and every person I meet with politeness and common courtesy. Even the most obnoxious person deserves a chance because something in their life made them the way they are. My belief is that they deserve my understanding and my kindness. Sometimes there isn’t much I can do to help that person, but how I treat them may help them see that there is another way to deal with people that they meet. It, also, shows that you are not judging them, just trying to be polite and interested in them.
When I treat others like this, I guess, I’m hoping that they will look past my short comings and treat me with acceptance and not judge me too harshly. I believe that there is something that I can learn from every person that I meet, no matter how small the item or how large the item. The basic way to learn from another person is to listen to what they have to say without having to respond and put in one’s own opinion. You cannot do this if you are more interested in yourself than the other person or feel that you are better than they are. You have to be willing to put yourself into their world rather than yours. My basic belief was the first tenet of TaeKwonDo, Courtesy.
After a Tournament in Oklahoma City
A New way to break a board and because of my knees, much harder!
Perseverance
Perseverance has played an important part of my life. Many people, who know me, see me as an extravert not as an introvert. I work very hard at being an extravert. My life would have been a lot easier if I had been able to be an introvert, but my jobs have required me to be able to work with lots of parents and children, many who did not always agree with some of the policies that I had to implement.
Being an introvert would mean giving up or into what others wanted rather than doing what was right. I have a hard time giving up on something or somebody, especially when I know that it is important.
One of the most important things that I continue to do is to walk. The first day that we began to walk, I had a hard time walking even a quarter of a mile. I really had a hard time walking because of my knees and my feet but it was important to both my husband’s health and to my health. It took months of walking everyday to build up to 2 miles a day.
Some of those days were spent in tears and the belief that I couldn’t make it. With the help of my husband we did not give up. Today, we help keep each other walking from 2-5 miles per day. This distance may not be a lot for some people, but it has helped keep my husband’s blood sugars down and it has helped me with my asthma and with the bones in my feet and knees.
Sometimes it is hard to persevere but, I always feel better knowing that I haven’t quite. I watch the others in my TaeKwonDo class do so many different things that I can’t and think just how easy it would be to make an excuse and quite. I have a wonderful cheerleader of a husband who reminds me that I said I never wanted to be the best but that I wanted to never stop learning about TaeKwonDo. When it comes to TaeKwonDo, I was afraid that I would not be able to continue for so many reasons. I focus on the fact that if I just keep taking the next step that I will someday be able to earn that first black belt that I have for so long wanted. The only way to live out my dream is to continue persevering no matter what my age or physical condition.
Self-Control
One of the tenets that I do fairly well with is self-control. It takes so very much to push me over the edge. I look at every situation and try to decide whither or not it is worth the difficulties it may cause if I say or do something. I choose the things to fight for rather than get pushed into a situation out of anger. I have had to use this in my daily life because my jobs have put me in situations with people who may not always agree with the guidelines of my job. Without self-control it would be extremely easy for difficult situations to get out of control and therefore end up not accomplishing anything worthwhile. I acted as an advocate for children having trouble in the public school system.
This is hard to do because the child is already labeled and sometimes the school authorities do not want to listen. It takes a great deal of self-control not to get upset and walk out rather than stay and work out the situation. If I am in control of myself then it is easier to think clearly and to be in control of any situation that I might find myself in.
Self-control is one of those things that you can teach others if you lead by example. My grandchildren spend a lot of time with my husband and myself. Children don’t always have a lot of self-control when it comes to dealing with others around them. I get the opportunity to show them and their parents how to control anger at others so that it doesn’t come to blows. Self control isn’t always about anger. You can choose not to eat candy before dinner is served. There is the self-control not to call someone a name that isn’t very nice. The most important self control might be exercising control over your own mind by focusing past the physical pain to complete the task at hand.
When my husband insists that I need to do more (on this paper for example), it took a great deal of self-control not to clobber him! Actually, I have enjoyed writing the paper.
Indomitable Spirit
The real me?
Now, indomitable spirit is probably my more difficult tenet. While I normally trust my judgments, I am not always comfortable trying to be myself because I am a fairly timid person in most cases and do not like causing conflict.
I have a hard time being forceful in some instances. Many years ago while working at a church in New York we had a large group playing basketball in our church gym. One of the young men from the neighborhood decided that he did not have to play by the rules. After asking him politely to stop because his actions were against the gym guidelines he began to get even more out of line. I knew that the only way to handle the situation was to trust my judgment and close down the whole gym which would upset all of the youth that had gathered to play basketball. Confrontation was not they way to handle this situation. If the young man had gotten away with his actions the other young people would believe that they could get away with anything without consequences. The next night they were all back, including the young man who caused the problem. His friends had talked to him and helped him come to a new understanding on how to act. He apologized and became a regular at the gym.
Being a black belt would mean that I would have to work harder at being myself rather than trying to be what others want me to be or afraid that I am not what others think I should be. My husband and I have had to face overwhelming odds and pressures to do our past jobs and we have tried hard to always do what we felt was right rather than what was popular.
Integrity
Linda leads a large March for Life in Fargo, ND as
Director of Religious Formation at St. John's in Grafton, ND
As I looked at the Tenets of TaeKwonDo, integrity is the one thing that I believe we should truly strive to have. Without the integrity of knowing right from wrong and making the choice to do the right thing, then none of the other tenets really works. It is not always easy. I spent 5 1/2 years working on the ethics committee at a small community hospital. The committee saw so many things that needed to be changed for the protection of the doctors, nurses, hospital workers, patients and family members. Some of the things were extremely difficult to work out, but the one thing that I saw, within the members of this committee, was integrity. They certainly taught me a lot about integrity and how, in the end, it is the only thing that counts. One of the hardest things for a person to say is, “I’m sorry.” I only way to teach integrity is by your actions. Being a grandparent gives me lots of opportunities to teach by example. Several months ago, one of my grandchildren borrowed an item from me and was supposed to return to the same place that they took it from. They looked for this item for 2 weeks and when it was not found we decided on a consequence for them. They had to clean and scrub the toilets in their house. This was a gross job. They did their job without a lot of fuss. About 4 weeks after this I happened to find the item in a place that had not been searched. I had two choices. The first choice was to tell my grandchild or to forget about it. No one would know because I was the only one to know it had been found. I went to the school to pick them up and we went to a movie with popcorn and an apology. My grandchild asked me why I told them that I had found the item because nobody would know. It told them that I would know and it doesn’t matter how big or little the situation that a person should have integrity to know what is right and then to do what is right know matter how hard or easy it may be. It was just the right thing to do.
If a person has integrity, they are courteous, they have self control, they preserver, and they have an indomitable spirit. I look at these attributes of being a Black Belt and I worry that I am not worthy of holding a Black Belt not just because of the tenets but because of the physical limitations that I have to work within each and every class.
Being a Black Belt
Becoming a Black Belt means more than I could ever express in words, but in words that I can say it means that I continue to try to be the best person that I can be and in being that person I can help others to become the best person that they can become. It means that I have not given up when it would have been so easy. It means that I can be an example to my children, grandchildren and to others in showing them that no matter how old or how difficult something seems you have to give it a try. If you try your best you can not fail. You don’t have to be great at whatever you are trying do; you just have to do your best. It means not being afraid of people or going to new places, but most of all it means the realistic beginning, not the end of a childhood dream that took 57 years.
I would very much like to use my abilities to work with people who are getting older, both men and women, and who have lots of fears about how they are going to take care of protecting themselves in case they ever have a need.
I have, also, worked with children who have disabilities, either physical or mental and I would like to find a way to help children with disabilities to learn TaeKwonDo. I have lots of patience and don’t mind working with people who have a hard time learning. I understand how hard it is to remember or learn new things. People with disabilities, normally, are very loving and extremely happy when they finally learn something new. They also need the acceptance of others and they work very hard to follow the guidelines that are put in front of them.
I would like to continue learning how to use the cane as a means of self protection. It is an item that many people end up needing as they start to grow older and begin to lose their balance and have fewer abilities. I cane is an item that can be taken just about anywhere without a problem. It can be taken with you even through the airports where security is so tight.
I would very much like to learn more about becoming a referee or be a judge during the tournaments. This would help me to continue to learn more about the forms or sparring from different perspectives. With this ability I would be able to help the students that I study with each week. This would help me become better as a judge or as a referee and hopefully it would help them to better prepare for the tournaments in which they compete. Most of all I would just like to be of help in any way that I can to help others grow in their abilities and understanding of TaekwonDo.
My
Family