The Church and Me

 I’d give anything if my Church wanted me back

I’d even forgive and be happy to be back

Still it will never happen

The Church doesn’t know I am not there

What is even worse,

If the Church did know,

It would not care for more than15 seconds

If that long.

The Church has to take care of so very much

That it has forgotten that it exists for me

That is was founded for me, and for you,

The Church is so very worried about surviving

That it has forgotten its mission

Why in the world would I want to go back

What answer is there other than

It was where I belonged.

I don’t belong there anymore

I don’t know where I belong and I feel lost

I always belonged there in the past

In reality the Church never knew I was there

That was the way the Church liked it

I was there doing all I could

And I could not get enough of doing

The question is why

I felt I belonged and I felt I was contributing

I am not sure why I felt this way

It was the place I turned to in need

Even when the need wasn’t filled

If you have no other place to go

Then the Church becomes a place to go

A place to be safe you would think

A place where you will not be abused

I went to the Church and I was abused

I grew up being abused by much in my life

I went to the Church to be safe

To be close to a loving God

And I was abused both as a child

Then even more as a worker in the Church

That was even worse and became my torture.

I gave my life to my Church

And it did not know I was there.

Still I have finally come to accept

The Church never knew I was there

As the Church would say,

The pain is mine,  not the Church’s

Still I miss being a part of the Church

I miss being a staff member

I miss the joy I felt in loving God

Through the Church.

I miss the importance of what I thought I did

I have found that my love of God has increased

It has not decreased or diminished in any way

Perhaps, I even pray more intensely

Ah, now the Church can say

Look, see what the Church has done in my life

But then the Church would have to admit

It knew I was there and that the Church could never do!

I don’t know if there is a Church for me anymore

I so want to hope so

Yet, if there is not, I know I will be ok

For day by day I am finding my way

Each time I get mired down in the past

God gives me something to lift me up

You see, God knows I am here

God has always known I was here

Loving God allows me to love God’s People

I am conscious of trying to do this more and more

I try to love everyone I come into contact with

You can not love God and not love God’s People

I have re-discovered Eucharist in God’s People

Christ really is inside me and you

O that I only let you find Christ within me

O that you only find Christ within you!