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September 5, 1988

Today was supposed to be a day free from labor. A day of rest and relaxation. To an extent it has been such a day. Jamie and Linda have been restless and at each other a good portion of the day. Possibly because I did not take control of the day and demand we do certain things. Like go to the zoo and the ball game in Detroit. I added to their anger.

I did not mean to!

I simply thought they really wanted to stay home and have a nice day here.

We are not accustomed to that kind of a day right now. We did so much of that in the recent past that now that we have a little money, we want, have a need, to get out and do.

We have been so poor we forgot what it is to be normal, whatever normal is. Even though we tell people about how we lived, they truly can not fathom it.

The world of Defiance, Ohio is for the most part a rich, affluent society. At least the parish of St. Mary in Defiance is so rich it can not understand nor does it want to understand real poverty.

For me, I would rather be poor and really caring than rich and unable to feel or understand. It is not that the rich cannot understand, or fell. It is more that they choose not to really want to. Even if they really want to I question if their place in society will allow them to.

I don't see how we can work out here and yet I so want to do good and honorable job.

Stand with us Lord, hold firmly to us and lift us up so that this day might yet be a good and Godly day.

We love and depend on O mighty God.

September 6, 1988

It's the little things that get you.

I sing with all my being all my heart and usually, it is then the God is most clearly seen in me. Today I practiced to lead the music at the 8AM mass next Sunday and afterward I felt I was inadequate to lead anybody's music anywhere. I was told I had no sense of timing and it is true. I just am not used to being told about it so often and so firmly. I sing as I feel and normally that is more than ok, yet I know the young man who was rehearsing me was doing his job and doing it well.

Boy it was tough on me.

I was fasting and Linda went to get makings for tuna salad and while she was gone, my frustration took over and I had a bowl and a half of left over stew. She would not have minded me having it, yet I deliberately waited until she went to the store and then fixed me a bowl so nobody would know.

Hey, it's the little things.

So Lord stand firm with me anyway and hold me up. I love and need your support.

Father had a tough day also today. Maybe I held him up just a very little. I hope so.

He had a funeral and a home visit that was even tougher.

Stand with all of your children Lord. We need and love you. Thank you for loving us.

September 7, 1988

I am feeling tense, uneasy, maybe scared, maybe just tired. I still expect something wonderful and great to happen almost immediately, but what?

I am sleepy, yet I feel the need for something.

O Lord, lift me up and keep me safe.

Maybe I want something great to happen. Probably I do. Maybe it is just I need something good and outstandingly wonderful to happen. Probably that's it. Perhaps it is just for whatever reason I sense something wonderful is about to take place. Something that will change my life forever and it will be good.

I believe that as long as what happens is what my God wants to happen everything is fine. I also believe that man allows things to happen to man that maybe God would not have chosen to happen. I do not believe in predestination. I believe in choice. Somewhere in my life now I chose to be a believer of my God. I chose to accept my God's love. Was I predestined to make such a choice? No I don not thing so. Yes, I was chosen by God before I was born as is everyone. The difference is I am now freely choosing to accept that God has chosen me.

September 8, 1988

What kind of day was it, I ask myself?

Do you ever ask the same question of yourself?

What kind of day is any day of anyone's life?

Was it a day filled with work, tiresome, and exhausting?

Was it a day filled with making choices for yourself and others?

Did you spend this day in worry about who or what you are?

Was this day an anger stress filled day of pain and hurt?

What kind of day was this day in your life?

Was it filled with joy, the joy of being alive, of living?

Did you sense that you had no control over what happened?

Did you give yourself over to the one who had control?

Did you really know just who was in control or did you think because you had no control, that another human who had physical power over you, yes, that was who was in control of your day.

If so, then you are somewhat normal but also very mistaken. For the one in control is the one who loves you.

And the one who loves you will always love you without fail.

Who loves you forever? The one who created you.

And the one who created you is God, is love is in control.

How did you accept God's control this day?

You say you did not realize God was in control?

Fine, but now that you know of God and this God's love for you, are you willing to accept God and the control of being loved?

If you are, your day will become even more hectic.

Your day will become even more full.

And you'll seem even less in control.

Yet your day will become a most wondrous day of life, every moment of every minute of every hour.

Your day will be filled with the joy if being loved -

And loving!

September 9, 1988

Yesterday the church I belong to celebrated the birthday of the mother of God. I am a member, a teacher of the Catholic religion. I belong to Jesus Christ for I was given to Christ by God my father.

Mary the mother of Jesus, my God - Jesus my Father, and yes, Jesus my friend, is a woman of great and special meaning to all who worship God. She is the mother of all of the people of Go just as real and in every way the same as she is also the mother of our Lord and God, Jesus Christ. In the same way Mary is the wife of Joseph the carpenter.

Do I worship Mary? What does worship mean? I would answer no I do not worship Mary. Do I love, honor, cherish, respect, and consult with, do I ask her to help me, do I ask for her intercession,…let me be very clear, yes I do.

Just how special is Mary? Well, the Lord God who created all things, well, this God chose Mary to be the mother of the son of God, God almighty. How much more special can a human be.

I made a decision today to let a dentist put me asleep on September 27 to have some very serious dental problems taken care of. I am afraid but I am also afraid not to. I guess I'll just trust in my God.

I love you O Lord and I thank you for Mary yours and my mother. I thank you for my earthy mother and for my wife who is in the next few months to become a grandmother.

Stand firm with us. Hold us up and keep us healthy. Let us do your will.

September 10, 1988

Parish Festival Day!

Wow!

What a day!

Linda and I danced and danced as did Father Ed and Sister Yvonne. We mixed and mixed and talked and talked and talked and shook hands. Now we are tired.

So many people gathering together, So many people working together to have fun, to help their parish, to love their God, and not even knowing that loving their God was what they were doing. Wonder if they would have had such a great time if they really realized loving their God was what they were doing, maybe they would have had an even finer time.

Stand firm with us O Lord and hold Linda and me upright. Please do not let us fall or fail you or ourselves. We need and we want to stand upright and straight forward with you. Help us O Lord our God.

We love you and accept your love.

September 11, 1988

Last day of the Festival

We are even more exhausted.

It was a beautiful two days of being with and among the loving and being loved by the members of this parish as they really tried to get to know my wife and me.

I sat in the dunk tank terrified of getting hurt, smiling and talking a mile a minute to cover my fright, and I am fine. Boy was the water cold and dirty and I felt groty even after a shower.

The people responded to me well and enjoyed dunking me.

I liked being a source of pleasure for people.

O Lord God stand firm with me and help me to be ok. I am worried about myself, dental, and physical.

Lift me up and hold me so very tight. I am trying to believe and I am afraid of failure. Hold me close – John

September 12, 1988

Once again I am tired. I just do not feel good. I have a slight fever. Maybe I just need a day totally off.

Today is my brother Patrick's birthday. I am not even sure how old he is. When he married he just stopped having me as a brother. I still love and respect him and wish him all the happiness he so deserves.

I had to deal with a woman today who feels she has been given no respect in her job for 9 years. It was my job to firm up her choosing to retire next year on her 65th birthday. She has not been given any supervision or job description for the whole time she has been employed at St. Mary, yet she never addressed this matter either and she stayed where she was, in spite almost of the situation. I do not understand that except that it was too easy for her not to move. It was easier to be put down, accept a paycheck, and just go on. It is too hard now.

I tried to be loving and yet direct and honest.

Linda and I went to a movie and it was boring. We ate lunch and it was yucky also. Linda and I are not communicating well right now.

Lord, it would be easy to continue in my misery but I think it is time to be ok. Here I am Lord, stand firm with me. Please pick me up with both your strong hands and hold me and once again reassure me I am loved. I am ok.

September 13, 1988

I am going to Mansfield, Ohio tomorrow and Thursday for a two day seminar on of all things asbestos. I am the designated asbestos person for our parish. I find it now somewhat strange but I am going anyway.

I will be back home late Thursday night.

Christ, you and crap!

Our first senior high program.

The title is probably going to scare the pants off some parents. I feel that it may well get the attention of some of our 11^th and 12^th grade kids. If I can lure them in, shock them into coming, I have a chance. Once they are here, wow, I really hope to give them Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ is real, is alive, is doing, juniors and seniors in high school are alive, doing, and real. They have much in common. Most of them think they must endure much crap in their life. Jesus certainly endured crap in his life. Most of these kids need to know that having crap in one's life isn't the end of the world. It's ok to have crap in your life. It is how you deal with that crap that may or may not be ok.

Jesus handled the crap of being crucified, spit upon, and humiliated pretty well. He did not handle the merchants in the temple so well, indeed he lost his earthly temper. The juniors and seniors of today lose their earthly temper a lot, more than Jesus for sure. They need to know it is ok to lose your temper so long as you pick up and get going once again.

I hope Jesus will find a way for me to let these young people know Jesus on more personal level. I hope I can somehow be an instrument by which Jesus is seen in a more positive and a more loving manner by all people I come into contact with.

Stand firm with me Lord for I am sure to be tempted these next two days and nights. Hold me close and like last time, do not turn we loose.

September 14, 1988

Mansfield, Ohio

I'm here to attend an asbestos seminar. It is pretty scary. It would seem to be almost impossible to know enough of what is law and what you should do. At times it is boring and other times I am fascinated and terrified. Either a lot of people are dying and will die or this whole thing on asbestos is a lie. Asbestos, aids, and how many other diseases! Mankind, living by man's law, destroying mankind.

As usual nothing ever goes just perfect. Our white Alliance has a busted boot and left front tran axel. It is very noisy. I hope it will make it home safely tomorrow. It will cost at least $250 to fix it I was told.

I almost fell but with God's hand on me, I only stumbled slightly. I am not happy even for the slightest stumble.

I must walk upright!

Stand firm with me Lord, protect me and help me! Please!

John

September 16, 1988

My very dearest grandchild,

I know you have not been born yet. I also know you are very much alive. Gigi, your mother, is keeping you safe until that day when you will physically be able to be held by me. I am really looking forward to that day.

Grandchild, I wanted you to know just how much you are loved not only by your mom and dad, who love you very much, but just how much you are loved by me, your grandfather and also by your grandmother, my wife. This is a letter of welcome. I wanted to be the very first to tell you, I love you! You see outside of your mother, I knew of your being alive before anyone. After God and your mom, I was the first to know.

I wanted to tell you a little about your mom and dad. Your mom was my first child as you are hers. There is a certain incredible feeling that a parent feels when learning that God has given them the privilege of being a guardian of a life. It happens not only with the first child but with every child. With the first child there is the incredible specialness of it being the very first time.

I remember Gigi's birth so well. I was so scared of losing both her mother and her. Gigi's mom had a super tough time giving birth to Gigi. If God had not wanted Gigi and her mother to be alive so much, well, everyone thought they would die. They didn't and now God is protecting the start of your life. Can you imagine just how special you are to her. Your mother is a combination of her mother and me.

Like her mother Gigi is practical, a survivor, a woman who can think for herself but most of all a woman of great love. From me Gigi inherited energy, a whirlwind of energy, the need to do, and the desire to be someone special. From her God, Gigi inherited the ability to do and be and to her credit, she does and is al she can be which is more than I can imagine. Your mother is most special as is her mother and I think all mothers.

Your father is still new in my life and yet, I feel as though I have been given another gift of life. You see I love your father and I am so pleased to have him as a son. Your father is not really conservative, you see, your dad just wants to make sure of what he is doing before he does it. It is one thing to be nervous and a little afraid and another to be paralyzed with fear. Your father has the courage to open doors when he doesn't know for sure what is on the other side. That makes your father a brave man.

Grandchild you are going to like your parents. I want you to like me and I want you above all to know how excited I am by your coming, and most of all, I want you to know I love you.

One final thing in this first letter and I am going to write you again before you are born to tell you about your great grandparents and even a little about your great great grandparents. You see you represent the end result of a whole lot of love.

This one last thing is most important and somehow I know you already know it. The one who gave you life, who called you by name before you were conceived, yes your God is my God too. Do not ever worry too much about man's law. I tell you clearly there is only one law. Live your life by that one law. I guess I should say, try to anyway. What is that law? It is the law of real and unconditional love. Before you do, say, or think anything, ask yourself; am I being a loving person? Grandchild you are a direct result of love. You were created by a loving God. You were placed in the body of your mother by a loving act between your father, mother, and your God. Your father and your mother existed because of the same love between their father, mother, and same God. And the same is said for their fathers and mothers. You are a product of love, you are indeed love. I am writing this love letter to you before you are even in your mother's womb for a full 3 months. You are very much loved and expected.

Well, I'll write again in a few months. Stay warm and healthy. Squeeze yourself once in awhile for your grandfather cause he really loves you.

I remain,

Your Grandfather,

John W. Flakes Jr.

September 18, 2008

What does it take to survive? Money?

Money could make life easier. Money could relieve some of the every day pressures of life. Can you survive without money? I think most people would say yes but not very well. I remember when we had nothing and did not know what the next day would bring. In many ways Linda, Jamie, and I did more than survive. We cherished each and every good moment as is there would not be another moment like it for some time. I think lack of money is what caused Nikki to run off with Andy. Perhaps there is some love there and maybe it is a love that will more than stand the test of time. I pray with all my being it is a love like that yet, if we had money enough Nikki probably would never have met Andy. I think Linda, Jamie, and I were happier back then with nothing but yet with everything. Money! I despise it and yet I spend much of my life figuring out what I would do if I had money. I have analyzed almost every amount. Do I crave it so because I have none of it? I believe that at one time in my life money was indeed what I worshipped. I knew who God was and I loved my God yet I had shut out God's love for me in the chase for money. I remember being poor when I was a boy. I'll never forget that I was so poor in college I had no chance to fit in. In many ways I am so glad I did not fit in. Had I stayed there I never would have had the wonderful daughters I now have. Perhaps there would have been a different Linda in my life and different children. It could not have been the same. God has become my money of today. I mean that now I chase God with the same energy I once chased money. God is also elusive but unlike money, God loves. God cares. Money was needed in order to have. Money was needed in order to survive or so I thought. God is my need now because I know God to be the only consistent thing in the world I live in. God is my need now because I can not live without being loved and God loves me as I am with all my many flaws. God is my choice now because I have been given the wisdom of knowing love. There is nothing else of value in life except love and God is unconditional love.

Money is nice. It would be nice to have money. I say, Lord God, go ahead and give me money now because I understand it is only a tool to be used to help those who have money needs. Money is not necessary for survival. There is only one thing necessary for survival and that is to accept God's unconditional love for one's being. If I accept God's love, I will have to try to live in love. If I try to live my life in love, God's love will shine forth from my being and when people look at me they will see and know God for I will have allowed the God within me to become visible. In being the visible love of God I will find life eternal and I will have no longer a need to survive for I will have found life ever lasting. Money can not buy life everlasting.

September 19, 1988

O Lord my God I love you!

Wow the most straightforward open and honestly frank conversation I have ever been a part of took place this afternoon between Father Ed, Sister Yvonne, and Linda and me. It was explosive and yet it did not explode. There was frank and straightforward prayer. I am awed by this happening. I did not think Catholic priests could handle such things as this. Father had a rough time yet he seemed to handle it quite well.

Where do we stand? I do not know bit it doesn't really matter. I think these people are in some awe of the way Linda and I work together yet we are each strong. Sister says we bring a most special thing to the staff and parish.

Now if only Linda and I can set ourselves together and stop this bickering between ourselves about the RE program.

I still do not feel right Lord. Please heal me before I go to the doctor's later this week for my pre-dental and mini physical.

I am worried about going to the doctor and about letting the dentist put me to sleep on the 27^th. It needs to be done. I have no choice.

Lord I think I heard you tell me to take care of myself before I got sick. Please Lord just take care of me. Stand firm with me and hold me up. Please don't turn me loose. Take care of Nikki and Andy as I worry about them.

I love you Lord. I trust you my God. Hang on to me.

September 20, 1988

I have some sort of flu bug. Linda is feeling less than competent and we both are wondering what is going on with our lives. Can we not handle a job? Most of all we are still facing the very same concerns we have had for some time now. We are a pastoral family in a church that says only certain celibate men can be pastors. I don't think we have the courage to find a new church. I am not sure we even want to.

What am I sure of?

I am sure there is a God. I am sure that God loves Linda and me. I am sure God has called us to be his ministers. I am sure that anyone who puts on Christ is in for a difficult time. I am sure that working with other people can both rewarding and most difficult.

I am sure I want to feel better. I am sure I want to be used by my God no matter what pain it brings. I am sure I am afraid of what being a servant of God could mean. I am sure I am determined to be God's servant anyway.

I am sure things will get better.

I am still expecting something wonderful to happen immediately. I am sure of it.

I am sure I love my wife and I am also sure I love my God and my God's people.

So here I am one more time Lord. If you don't get tired of me, well, I won't give up. Stand firm with me and don't let me loose. Some days I need propping up more than other days. This seems to be one of those days.

September 21, 1988

A priest of God died this day. A relatively young man died. I am struck by the fact that the priest I serve cared so much for this brother priest who died. He was a quiet gentle man from all reports. I did not know him personally. His name was Father Paul. He died from Aids. I hope he was a good priest. I know he must have seen a special man because ordinary men do not listen to God's call. It seems to me that in order to become a priest of God at some point in your life, you would have to try to really listen to what you thought your God was asking of you. Father Paul must have listened to God and I am convinced he was a special man.

I spoke on the telephone today with another young priest who I am afraid will die, Father Tim Kandel whom I got to know at Devine Mercy last year so very well. Linda and I might not have survived if Tim had not been there for us. Tim has seemingly been labeled by his bishop, the Bishop of Orlando, as a trouble maker, a non potential pastor, almost a non entity. Tim pushes the envelope from the inside out. The Catholic Church has a history of not loving people like Tim. Martin Luther and Tim might have a lot in common. Linda and I know what it is to incur the wrath of a priest in power, a bishop, or in other words, the church. It seems people like Tim and like us often get along fine with the people, God's people, and yet have serious problems with the bosses of God's people.

Lord God I ask you this night to gently give Father Paul a hug for Linda and me. Father Paul, on this your special day, Linda and I ask you to put in a good word with Father God for us. Please offer our love and respect to Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Mother Mary, Joseph, the archangels, my sister Shirley and don't forget Cardinal Merry de Val. There are others; Aunt Alice to be sure. Father Paul remember Linda and me and now that you are where you can really do some good, please help us.

Father, I especially ask you to remember your brother priest, Father Tim Kandel to the Lord God. Time is like Linda and me. He needs God's firm hand to hold him up and strengthen him.

Lord God, I love you. Thank you for loving me. Stand firm with me and hold Linda and me up. Please hold us close and keep us healthy.

Thank you Lord God!

September 22, 1988

Today is my father's 71st birthday. Seventy one year. The first ten years are gone before you know they were there. I wonder how much realization there is in these first ten years. Maybe too much. The second ten years probably are spent coming of age. This is a tortuous process involving learning and feeling. There is much pain and hopefully some moments of real joyous being. The third ten years are times of feeling your oats. It is a time of being alive and it is the time when life long choices are made and sometimes made before fully being understood. The next ten years, your forth decade, 30-40 is a settling time almost a time when you allow things to ease off. By now you are mostly what you will be or at least so you think. From 40 to 50, surprisingly enough your life really begins a new growth time and change is once again upon you. The difference is now for the most part you have a knowledge of being a part of the change. Perhaps even you are the one who initiates the change. From 50 to 60 is the fullness of the new you, the more mature and fulfilled you. So to 70 is a quick time in your life. It is quick because you sense you are not 25 anymore and more importantly you know you will never be 25 again. This is probably the first time you really consider your mortality. The seventies bring on what you see as a last fading chance to live as you wish, free and independent. You spend time caring for your partner and worrying about the fact someone may have to care for you. It is a time of comfort because you can see the fruits of your life and a time of sadness because you wonder where the years went. The 80 to 90 period brings on the need to be cared for and yet somehow they must let you be useful. Can't they see you still have the need and some capability to be used? The next few years blur in a moment.

Until a friend you have loved and who has loved you forever invites you home and into a whole new beginning which will have no end. I am 43.

Stand firm with me God and use me and hold me up. Thank you for my father. Give him health. Let him know he is loved.

September 23, 1988

For over 9 months I have written every day. In the most part it is a journal of my year yet there have been some times when I have written solely of and about God.

I saw Doctor Barnett yesterday and he pronounced me fit to go ahead with the dental thing on Tuesday.

Linda, Jamie, and I had an uneasy and painful talk about weight. I am so deeply concerned about Jamie. She has so much anger. It is the same anger I used to feel. It is the same anger I still feel all too often. Her anger breeds my anger. Oh God please cure us and rid us of this curse. Oh God please help Jamie and me and all my children. Oh God help us with our weight and give us some peace together and individually.

We are reading revelations. It is both beautiful and most disturbing.

I cannot allow myself to know a God of anything except love. I will not believe in a just God or angry God. Mankind simply would not exist if the God who created mankind suffered from the same afflictions as mankind. God has no need to be just, for God is never anything except perfect in every way and unconditional love. This unconditional love is all powerful and is not that hard to understand. Love is! Mankind exists only because of this love. All these other things that are happening in mankind's world happen because of mankind and have nothing to do with God. They in fact exclude God. Man excludes God sometimes even when man is attempting to include God. Man has reached a point where man's understanding of himself and man's understanding of God has become so complicated that mankind has become a complicated mess. God is simple. No offense dear God. God is simple! God is all powerful unlimited and unlimiting unconditional love. God simply loves you and me. We are the ones who have trouble with that – not God! We, you and I are the ones who have trouble accepting the fact that the one who created us loves us immeasurably. We have no power over God. We have no power to affect God. We indeed have no power or control over the fact that we are loved unconditionally by our creator God. This is I feel the only consistent thing in all of our life. God is love. God loves you and me.

To continue I would simply say God asks only one thing from us. It is indeed the simplest of all things and if we let it, the easiest of all and certainly the most pleasurable. Yet mankind has made this simple wonderful thing the most difficult and complex of all things for man to do. Mankind has attached pain and hurt almost to the extent of mankind trying to forget how to do what is the most simple and normal part of mankind's being. What is ingrained in each of us I even in the seemingly lowest form of all life is the ability, the need, to love and to be loved. This cannot be set aside under any circumstance. Love is at the core of all life. Love is the core of all life. At times I think we have placed so many other horrible and hurtful, mean, and painful things in our lives and called that love. We have done this so long and so much we really do not have the slightest idea what love is anymore. What's more we have forgotten we are love. We have forgotten our God. We have created so many false needs that have become our God that we do not even know our true God anymore. In a way we have become worse than the pagans of long ago. They had to be taught. We know. What we know is wrong.

The most simple thing man can do is love. The most normal thing man can do is love. Man is love! I am speaking of the real and true love that exists in all man. I am speaking of the love that all man was created by and from. I am speaking of God.

Lord God help me. Stand firm with me and lift me up. Find a way to heal Linda, Jamie, and me and bring us even closer together in you, in love, in our love! Please!

September 24, 1988

The bible! At today's teacher in-service on the bible, we had about 35 people attend. The first teacher did a fair job on the Old Testament. As did the Father Ken Morman on the New Testament and fundamentalism. Father Morman at leas t presented what he was asked to present. He needed more time yet I had clearly given him only an hour for each subject. He did a good job and the day went well.

What do I think about the bible?'

The Old Testament or the Hebrew Scriptures are a grand story of the evolvement of humanity. I think perhaps many of the stories are colored by the time they were written and the harshness of what seems to be an early God is really the harshness of an evolving mankind. It is an important and interesting study of an evolving mankind and its continuing relationship with God. New understanding coming out of experiences that were in themselves growth demanding. I guess I am pleased we have a loving God pictured anyplace in the OD Books. I feel man would grow to the point where man would believe in one God even if there were no Old Testament. The Old Testament is necessary because it clearly predicts the coming of a savior which we now know as Jesus Christ.

The New Testament is completely vital to Christianity. It is the story of love. It is the story of God becomes man for man while remaining God. It is the story of unconditional love. Without the New Testament we do not know Jesus Christ and therefore do not have the understanding of a loving God that we should all enjoy now. The New Testament is the story of change, it reflects man's new understanding of what and who God is. This new understanding is brought about by the life of Jesus Christ. The time Jesus lived is important. The words Jesus spoke are important. The reaction to Jesus is important both by the people of Jesus and the people of today. The fact that Jesus lived, his human parentage, his ministry actions, the fact that he was scorned, crucified, and died, yes all important. The fact that Jesus rose from the dead is vital. The most important aspect of Jesus Christ is the message Jesus brought to all mankind. That message can be summed up in one word. This word is a word that requires action. It is a word that requires doing. It is a word that is synonymous with the very word, Jesus. That word is the name of the Lord God who is both the father of Jesus and one with Jesus.

That word is love

Thank you for this night watching the band festival here in Defiance. Thank you for Jesus.

Stand firm with me and hold me and mine up. Hold tight in your love and know we love you our God.

September 25, 1988

What does it mean to reconcile. I think it means to bring two people or two or more opposing sides together. It means to try to work together recognizing the differences that exists between you. Maybe not. Perhaps it means to effectively change one's attitudes so that one can have a whole new set of attitudes.

Could it mean more than saying I'm sorry? May be even more than saying it, to reconcile might mean to be sorry and to effect a change in one's life that would not allow for that thing to happen again.

To reconcile…to bring together. God and man yet if God never leaves man why is it necessary to reconcile God to man? It isn't, reconciling man to God, now that is different. To reconcile man to God implies that man has done something to set man apart from God. Why is it necessary to reconcile man to God in such a situation? Man without God is life with living. To bring man back together with God is to effect reconciliation in the most important way.

To reconcile…to bring together!

I choose to be one with God. I choose to be void of sin. I choose to be reconciled with God.

Stand firm with me and hold me up.

Help me to teach parents tonight about reconciliation. Please Lord use me and make me your teacher and this a teaching moment.

Most Holy Spirit, I seek you this night, O glorious Wisdom come and dwell within me so that I might say only words that are inspired you, O mighty and all powerful Wisdom, Lord God Almighty.

September 26, 1988

I am a man and not a perfect man at that.

What I am is a man who is growing, changing.

I am not afraid of change yet I rush not to change.

I am more afraid of standing still than going too fast. More than anything I value God's people, my family. You see I know that all of you are my family.

Never could I be alone for as long as there are people.

As long as people have life, then I am, for I am part of you. You are also part of me and all that I have and am.

Together as one we are and what we are is the good created by God, even if we know not what it is to be Godlike, we are. Sure we do not act Godlike and we do not think Godlike, God is a part of each and every one of us for there is no life that does exist that God hath not made. Where there is life, there is God and there is love. God is total and all powerful unconditional love. As unreal as it sounds and seems, God is in each of us. Yes, unconditional and all powerful love is a part of you and me. Sometimes I find this part of me and gently dwell within it. Sometimes I get in touch with this part of me. Not often enough, not nearly often enough.

I am a non perfect man yet I try to find the perfection that dwells within each of us. The perfection that created and sustains each of us. Perfection that is unconditional and all powerful love. Yes I am a non perfect man striving to be perfect. Someday if I work hard enough at this my God will -welcome me to the fullness of being one with him and then I will be the fullness of being one with my god. Yes then will I be perfect because my innerself will have united with my outerself as one with God. Then I will no longer be a non perfect man!

Tomorrow I undergo being put to sleep to have dental surgery. I am afraid yet I know God will take care of me.

Stand firm with me Oh God. I love you and need your love and I have it.

I had oral surgery today, they put me to sleep. The strange thing is when they woke me up I thought they were just getting ready to put me to sleep. I don't remember getting started. They put an IV in my left hand and my left shoulder began to burn furiously and then they woke me up.

I feel worse now than I did during whatever happened. I am sore. I am nauseous and my mouth hurts but I am awake and it is over except for the getting better part.

Thank you God for letting me get through this thing. I know I probably will feel yucky and even sick for a while but the worse should be over and I am thankful. S

I stayed at home today although I did get dressed and check in at the office. Everyone there was appropriately concerned about me. Actually I feel pretty good all things considered. My mouth hurts and I ache but after the cutting and scraping and pulling my mouth endured yesterday, I feel fine.

Thank you God for letting it be a snap. I was really afraid to let them put me asleep.

Tonight is the first night of religious formation classes and I have a meeting with 11^th and 12^th graders to plan a liturgy. I hope all goes well.

O Lord my God I love you and feel your love. I am sorry for all my failings. Knowing what sin is I would never deliberately dwell in sin. I am beyond sorrow for those times when I dwelled in sin. I explained to parents the other night that sin is something that is very wrong, it is an action by which you separate yourself from God's love. Since it is an action totally initiated by yourself, you are the only one that can do anything about it. Sin is an action that affects not only yourself but can and often affects someone else.

It is not enough for the action to be wrong. It is also necessary for you to have knowledge that the action is seriously wrong. If you don't know the action is wrong, you do not change the wrong nature of the act, it is just that the nature of your act is not sin. You must clearly know that what you are entering into is wrong and seriously so. You must consciously decide to do this thing and you must do it before you have sinned.

If it is wrong; you know it is wrong, and you do it, you have placed a barrier between yourself and God's love for you. Now remember, you did not affect God's love for you which is unaffectable. What you affected was your acceptance of God's love for you. Since you alone decided to enter into sin, you alone decide to leave sin behind.

This is why I can say I seldom dwell in sin. I know of my God's love for me and I will not be without it. I must be my God's complete lover. I fall. I fall into sin! It is less frequent but it still happens and if it happens once in a year, it happens once too often. Sadly it happens more than I care to publicly admit. I am a sinner! I constantly hate sin.

The incredible thing is that God dwells within each of us. It is God within us that allows us to overcome sin. Because the love of God is unconditionally powerful and strong. Man always has the opportunity to come out of sin. Only you, only I can make the choice to come out of sin. It is God dwelling within that gives us the strength to make this choice.

To come out of sin is like taking a fresh clean bath after being smothered in fresh aromatic and strong manure. There is no other feeling quite like it in the world. Not even sex! I know God. I like sex but coming out of sin is much better. The clean fresh start of new life. The past is put firmly behind and you carry no baggage.

How do you come out of sin? The knowledge you are in sin is primary. More than being sorry is next. The most important thing is the intense and immense longing to be fresh in the Love of God. It's called among other names getting right with God. Just wanting to get right with God is the first thing, wanting to put your sin behind you by staring over is important but not everything. You must make amends. If it is something you cam rectify, you most do so and at once to show you are really out from this sin. It might be as: simple as saying to someone the words I am sorry and truly meaning it. It might be so difficult that you will have to live with the knowledge that you have done something so wrong that you can never make it right. In that case how can there be any doubt that you need to come out of this sin.

You must resolve with all your being never to do this thing again. You must make every effort never to do this thing again, no matter the justification for doing, you must never again do this thing.

In the Catholic Church one seeks formal reconciliation with other members of this church who are not in such a state of sin. There is much healing in this formal forgiveness process. Just knowing that you have been formally forgiven is enough to give you the strength never to do this wrong thing again.

I love you God and I ask you to heal my mouth and make me strong. I seek to really be your servant. Stand firm with me and hold me tight.

A man felt his family had mo more use for him so he stopped being a member of his family. I suppose if it had been me, I would have not stopped. I would have demanded my right to my rightful place within the family. I probably would have caused more pain. I know I would have hurt because I have known the same hurt.

Linda and I took the first steps toward inviting this man back to his family today. We intend to continue until he feels at home once more within the family we once held so dear.

I suppose he will have a different relationship now with his family. Maybe it will be better, maybe it will never be as good as it once was. I accept it will be different.

I cannot handle so many people hurting and being hurt in the name of a loving God. It doesn't make sense.

My body is filled with aches and stress pains and I am hurting. Lord, if it be your will, make the pain go away. If I have to endure the pain of physically hurting, Lord, so be it. I offer the pain and hurt as a prayer of hope and love for those who feel they have been shut out or have been hurt in your name or in the name of one of your churches.

Once upon a time a child was born to two middle aged selfish people. The incredible thing is that this child from the moment of her conception represented a new way of living for these two people. The new life that she represented as a gift to them from their God represented in reality a new way of living for them. As she grew and became a young child growing into adolescence, they too grew and changed and went from being middle aged and selfish to new beings young and fresh in the love of their God. This child has asthma and had a significant loss of hearing in one ear. This child had a weight problem in her youth. So too her parents experienced difficulties as they tried to change from being selfish into the servants of their God. The parents at times seemed to take one step forward and a half a step backward. Their progress seemed excruciatingly slow to them. Yet they did grow and they continue to grow and their growth now is at times two steps forward and still a half a step backwards.

Today their child is eleven years special. When I think of how far Linda and I have come in the past eleven years, I am awed in our progress. When I think how far we still have to go, I know we will make it because only the Lord God in infinite love for us could have brought us this far. Our God would not bring us this far to leave us by ourselves on this journey.

Eleven years from now when Jamie is twenty two and our grandchild is around eleven I hope we will be closer to where our God wants us to be…closer to where we have chosen to be…where we are going seems at time a mystery. Yet I know it is not- we have entrusted ourselves to God and God has a definite use for us. We are being prepared in the most special of ways by our God for the most special of tasks. O Lord, let us not fail you but indeed let us serve you well.

Protect and heal Jamie and all who need healing. Let Jamie know how much she is loved and how much her God loves her. Heal her asthma and help her with her weight.

Hold us tight and no matter our plea do not let us go far. We believe we belong to you, O Wisdom, O Lord God, O Jesus our God. Amen!