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October 1, 1988

Today marks the start of my tenth consecutive month of writing every day. October, November, December and I will have written everyday for one year. If I can do this one thing to the end, maybe I will be able to do other things that are more important. I hope so.

Last night Linda and I read the first story of the bible together. The night before we finished reading the bible out loud. We finished Revelations. I'm glad. I'm not sure I am ready to begin understanding Revelations. The story of creation, though I think I can understand a little of it.

Most people start by saying that in the beginning there was nothing and then God created. This is an untrue statement which I think tends to plague man's understanding of creation. You see, there never was nothing. No one or nothing created God. God existed from before the beginning at least the beginning of creation as we understand it. In the beginning was God. In the beginning of our existence, God created. The world, the planets, the universes, the stars, all forms of life throughout the universes, everything that exists now, everything that will exist, everything that has existed, yes, this is what God has created. I might add, mankind has no idea what else God has created for mankind. At least on planet earth, has a limited view of what is, what might be, and what was. God has no such limited view. So we really don't know what God was created. What we do know is that in the beginning of what we do know, God created and we were the ultimate of what God has created as far as we know but since: our very ability to know is limit, we may very well be not so important in the God's grander scale of creation.

The single redeeming factor in man's high opinion of himself is that God told man that God created man in the image, the very likeness of God. I would remind man that anything God creates has God within. Therefore it could be said that anything God created which is everything that was ever, is now, and will be created is like unto God.

I think the most important part of man's creation is the fact that within in each man is God. Almost equally important is each man has been given the ability to choose freely to accept that part of him which is God or to freely reject God altogether. It is this ability to reason that gives man the most discomfort. For if you have the ability to reason, you have the ability to reason wrongly. The most incredible thing about man is that once man has chosen wrongly you would think man would be doomed. Not so. Man has the ability through the God that dwells within each and every man to come full circle back to the glory and lobe of God after having chosen wrongly. What is even more amazing about man is that this is not a once or twice situation. No matter how many times man rejects God, God still loves man. Man always has not only the opportunity but the ability to come back from not only one but one million wrong choices and freely chooses God. God simply seems to have no limit on the way God loves man. That is the most important statement of mankind. God was no limit on God's love for man.

Creation is God's love exploding. That is why new things, new planets, new stars, new everything is being found, started every moment of every instant in time- God's love is unlimited therefore creation is unlimited therefore what we know while limited to our present ability to know, is unlimited because our ability to grow, to change, and to learn is unlimited. God is love and love is unconditional and unlimited and unlimiting.

Stand firm with me O Lord. I do love you and accept your love for me.

John

October 4, 1988

The feast of St. Francis

Francis was a man who loved animals, people, Claire, and God, perhaps not in that order. I didn't know him personally as he lived only a few hundred years ago. I feel like I do know him. Francis is said to have given up everything to follow his God. I think Francis would say he gave up nothing. Rather that he was given everything. Francis gave up Claire, a beautiful woman. Francis would say that Claire and he had a great love affair. Maybe not a love affair as you and I have love affairs, yet I think it was a real and torrid love. It must have been for Claire also is said to have e given up everything. For St. Francis and the Francis and Claire God. I think Claire would say that she gave up nothing including Francis. Claire would say of course she loved Francis until the end of their earthly life. Claire and Francis loved each other and they still loved and served their God. Perhaps theirs was not a love situation like we would think of this day but that in no way takes away from the reality of their love. Yes Francis loved animals maybe it was the fact Francis was filled with love that made him so attractive to the animal world. Maybe animals have such a simplistically whole love for God that made them so loved by Francis.

Francis loved his God and was true to his God even when the church that ruled the time tried to persuade Francis to be in conformation with the church. Francis was a maverick and no one or no body could deter him from his love of God and God's people. Francis and Claire loved their God more than they loved each other. Their love for each other was manifested in the way they loved their God and the people of their God. Nothing took the place of their God. Nothing was more important than their God.

I choose to be a little like Francis. I am no place near the saint he was. I am a man who loves and I love everything most of all my God.

Stand firm with me and hold me tight my God. I am a one word theology person and that word is Love! Love is the same word to me as God!

People always try to put a limitation on love. Human love, I agree, yes is limited. God's love is not human but unconditional and endless and all powerful. God is unlimiting and unlimited. Remember, love and God are always interchangeable. Love and God are never different or opposing.

In love, in God is all the answer there is.

Don't judge me O God, please don't. Please love forever as I know you do.

John

October 5, 1988

Last night a woman accused me of being evil, of trying to ruin this parish by excessive spending. She did not give her name and she did not dare do this to my face. She called our administrative coordinator and said these things to her recording machine and even said I wanted her job.

I am not evil.

I do make mistakes and I fall on my face.

She also said this parish did not need a television lay evangelist.

Could that have been c compliment?

I took a fall today. The worse fall I could have I taken and I am still here. I still believe God will not desert me.

I am tired, confused, and angry.

Put your arms around me even though I do not deserve them. Hold me anyway because I ask you to. Please stand firm with me.

This woman is neither an excuse nor a reason.

Hold me tight Lord.

October 6, 1988

Well folks, hold on to your hat. You know how worried Linda and I have been about getting our 6 months in so if anything happened to us, well, then at least we would have unemployment. Not so!

You see this Diocese elected not to cover lay personnel other than teachers and school staff for unemployment. Linda and I aren't covered.

I am angry about it, Father is too. He did not know this when he hired us. Maybe he should have but he didn't.

He thinks we should have been told just as we do. If we had known we still might have come but then we would have known and who knows. If I remember right, we didn't have a lot of choices. So what's new?

I think God is just reminding me, I need to depend entirely on God. Probably haven't been doing that recently. In fact I know I haven't and I am ashamed.

Ok God, lesson noted and maybe learned. Probably not but I hope it is anyway. We're fine, stand firm with us and boy do I mean it when I say tonight, don't turn us loose. Please don't drop us. And by the way, Lord, heal my Linda ASAP. I don't like it when she doesn't feel well. Please heal her, I love her. I need her. You provided her as my keeper and lover. Please heal her and don't let her get any sicker. Please Lord!

October 7, 1988

Sometimes in the course of a week many things of seeming ultimate importance happen. This is the kind of week I have had. It was good and it was extremely busy and it was a week that everything was very important.

The axle on the car was fixed today and after looking at the old broken axle I wonder how the car managed to keep on running as long as it did. The axle that was broken was really broken. Now we need back brakes, at least it sounds like we do.

O Lord, Linda and I are wondering about going for a ride. Going to see Andy and Nikki, and of course Jamie's ears.

Jamie's ears are by far the mort important of all. Please take care of Jamie and only then if you have the time, please help us. Now I know you, O God, can do anything. I just did not want to seem greedy. Jamie is a special gift of life from you to us. Nothing is more important than your gift of loving life.

Stand firm with us and help us in all we do. Thank you for holding on tightly this week.

Let's have a good weekend Lord, you and us.

October 8, 1988

We took a ride today. We went from Defiance to South Bend, Indiana. We visited Notre Dame. It was the first time we had returned to Notre Dame since Linda and I had been there for our 10th wedding anniversary and the charismatic renewal conference.

It was still beautiful and very Catholic.

There was a scattering of color in the trees but the fall colors had not yet blossomed.

Tomorrow is the first 11th and 12th grade program. I pray it goes well. I feel out of touch and I am concerned.

Father Ed reiterated yesterday that us having no unemployment is unjust and that he knew nothing of this fact before we were hired. I feel better about him but I am still angered and Linda is worried.

You know about the camera and our pictures, Lord. You know we would like to see Nikki. Help us choose to follow the road you would have us travel. Give us actual leadership in these matters because we know enough to not trust our decisions. Yes Lord, as unreal as it must seem, Linda and I are trying to lean on you to make any and all decisions.

Stand firm with us and please do not turn us loose. We love you and very much need your help. We accept your love O Lord.

October 9, 1988

Well Lord, the confirmation and senior high classes got started this day. I was not at the confirmation group because that was Linda's group. Father Dan Dickman was the senior high speaker and mass celebrant. He was late and I had just started talking when he got there. I cut myself short and he took over. He was nitty gritty down to earth and plain spoken. He was great. It went well as far as I am concerned.

Maybe Nikki is pregnant also. Lord take care of Nikki, I love her so much and I miss her so.

I do not want to have my daughter married to people I cannot stand. I want to love my daughter's husband.

Why did they have to do what they did? Linda and I did not deserve to be so hurt.

Maybe we did.

In any case we are simply and totally at your service Lord. What you want from us is what we also want of us. We are determined somehow to be your servants and we are trying. Maybe not as good as we would like, but Lord, we are trying and we beg you, do not turn us loose. Stand firm with us and hold us close.

And, thanks Lord for helping Linda and me with this day. We really needed help.

We love you.

October 10, 1988

Sometimes I wonder.

Who am I? I mean I really want to know. Am I really a man who is filled with love or am I a man who just makes up God as I go? If really were filled with love would I not live my life in love? Maybe I do. I know there are times I am aware of really trying to be a loving good man and then there are times I am caught up in fantasy. I am caught up in a fantasy world of wanting to be so good, I invent my. Goodness. Then I am sad for in wanting so much to be God's good man I am filled with evil. Evil then has turned my heart which wanted to do and be good into something else completely. What do I do about this? Can I do anything at all about this? Is there any chance I will ever turn loose of evil and allow God's love which is my core to shine totally forth? Sometimes I think not. If that is true however it would mean that evil can control that which is inherently good and change good into evil. This is not possible. God's good. God's love overcomes all that is and that includes all that is evil. Love is more powerful than anything and God is unlimited and unconditional love. So there is hope but sometimes I wonder if even God must get discouraged. Then I know clearly that God is never discouraged but indeed is always overjoyed at what God hath created and I am what God created.

Stand firm with me and hold me up. I love you Lord and I am so glad you love me.

October 11, 1988

You reach out

And I am touched.

Your spirit lifts me.

I love you so much.

From inside you leap forth.

A new being is born.

Even when I am not ready,

You fill my being.

Anger surprise gives way.

I am filled with you

Joy, happiness, exhilaration.

A being is born

Love overcoming all odds.

Unconditionally risking

Knowing I am not used to such: love.

Filling my soul, my being.

Risking rejection, coming anyway.

My new being is born.

I know not how to handle this.

I never prepared myself to be loved.

I know now I was created from love.

Your being renews me.

Now I see how special I must be.

I know what it is to be loved!

Two entities becoming one.

Yet three are now present.

All three are present in one.

Yet I am still one.

Love is unlimiting, unlimited, unconditional.

All life comes from love.

October 12, 1988

Do you know what today is?

Perhaps it is an anniversary for some, possibly it is your birthday. Shucks today might be just about anything, it might even be the start of something new.

Suppose you knew what today was, would you change what you had planned?

Would you even delay for a moment doing the things that are taking place this day?

Would it make any difference if you new what today was?

How much importance do you place on this day?

I know, it's just one more day in your life.

That's it you see, just one more day in life.

Since life is the most important of gifts, today might just be the most important day of your life.

How can today be more than tomorrow or as good as yesterday?

Is it possible one day is more than any other day?

Does the quality of life change from day to day?

It is simple to say who knows, simple and too easy.

Life is more than living, life is being alive.

How alive were you this day, or tomorrow, or yesterday?

Are you more alive at certain moments than others?

Does that mean you are less alive even dead at other times?

If that is true every day becomes different and special.

Perhaps the purpose of this day is to be fully alive.

October 13, 1988

Wow! What a day! 6:00 AM – I had a meeting with Father Ed and 2 parish council members to work out parish council functions. 10 AM Father Ed got on me about something I had said about Linda Miller. 11:30 while getting my hair cut, the barber thanked me for doing a good job with scouts. He previously had criticized me. At 12 PM, I lost my temper in the school while being, I felt, unduly delayed in getting Jamie from class in order to take her to her hearing test in Bowling Green. At 2 PM after Jamie's hearing test, Linda, Jamie, and I gave great thanks and praise to our God. Jamie's hearing loss does not seem to be progressive and her test was hugely better than we had previously been led to believe. At 6 PM I met with the maintenance committee – It was a good meeting. At 10:30 PM Father Ed gave Linda, Jamie, and me big genuine hugs and said have a good trip…he'd have a different set of problems for us to solve when we got back, and so here we are on the throughway – 90 miles from Defiance at midnight.

Stand firm with us O Lord

We love you, we need you.

John

Well are at Nikki's and I am trying to overdo, overspend. It is the first time since that incredible hurtful day that we've been together…so far so good. They seem happy and poor. Andy's mother would seem to play a big part in their lives. Nikki thinks she might have miscarried. If she did, it was the cleansing action of a loving God.

Thank you for everything, God, even thank you for letting Linda at least get to see Nikki in a wedding dress…id did not fit, but at least Linda got to see her in one.

We left Utica around 9:00 AM, bought Linda a pair of shoes and headed for Niagara Falls through Watertown, 1,000 Island Park, and Canada. We were going 65 miles per hour on the 401 when I decided to get a newspaper. We stopped at a place on the side of the road but the newspaper stand was empty so we drove into Gamanoque, Ontario. There was a sign saying boat tours so we, on the spur of the moment, decided to check out the tours. We ended up on a three hour, slow, beautiful, peaceful, tour of the 1,000 Islands. One moment we are flying down the highway, the next we are relaxing.

We are spending the night in Gamanoque. ($25 for a motel) it was a nice, very nice day.

Stand firm with us - please no unexpected surprises of an unpleasant nature, hold us, help us, we love you.

We got up around 7:30, went to mass at St. Johns in Gamanoque, Ontario, Canada and now are in Niagara Falls. We got a motel this time. ($35)

We're back in Defiance. Please Lord – if it is your will, - if it isn't, please, Lord, think about it – let things go well, super well, not that we are back.

We walked in the tunnels under Niagara Falls, Canada this morning. It was awesome!

Today Father Ed told me there had been complaints about my style, my personality. I didn't listen enough, talked too much, was too strong.

He also assured me of his support but urged me to see and talk and listen to the man who recommended me to be hired, Mike Fabor.

I am depressed and tired and angry and not understanding. Once again I am fighting for my life and here I have been as honest, as straightforward and as Catholic as I know how to. Once more I do not seem to be what is wanted.

I guess it is time for me to admit I am just not whatever it is I am suppose to be.

Well Lord, if this is your will, let it be! I will not change from my prayer. Stand firm with me. Use me anyway you want. Please don't drop me. Let me do what you have called me to do.

Today my true self tried to hide behind the mask and the mask I hid behind, was the mask of life.

When you love and act in love and are rejected, you are reminded of the Christ who loved all and was killed.

A woman said to Linda and me this night, we're glad you're here. You're doing a good job.

Strange because she team teaches with her sister in law who does not like us at all.

Lord God, I have been so wrapped up in myself that I have not written about your for some time. I need for myself to rectify that.

In your love for me and mine is the answer for us. In your love is the answer for all things. In your love is the hope of mankind.

Thank you for loving me enough to gently remind me of what I have been called to do.

Stand firm with me…let me know what you want me to do…be very clear for you know I tend to be somewhat deaf. I do want to listen, to hear what you have to say to me, and more than anything I am determined to be your servant.

Jamie and I went to a haunted house tonight. It was delightful in that it was scary enough for little children, just right for Jamie, and super for big kids like me.

Jamie and I trusted the people putting on the haunted house that we would be scared a little, laugh some and generally have a good time. Jamie trusted me, her father to protect her although she knew she would not need to be protected.

Jamie expects her mother and me to love her. She doesn't question our love for her. She trusts herself with our love. She doesn't take it for granted, she just trusts that it is there and will be there.

I trust in my God's love. I sometimes take it for granted but most of all I trust it is there for me.

Trust…that is what life is about. That is what was great about this night. What we trusted proved right. We do not have to prove God's love. I know it can be pointed out God's son died for all man to prove God's love for man. It matters yes more than we know or can understand but had I not ever been privileged to know of my Lord and God, Jesus, I would still trust that Jesus' father, my God, who is Jesus and the Spirit still loved me.

I do not think it fair to answer in terns of one, two or three. I am not even sure it is fair to name these things for what if tomorrow circumstances change. Circumstances change often even faster than tomorrow. For me, I think I would like to try to name those things I hold to be most important in my life.

The consistency of my belief in a God whose name I know as love. My God is the unlimited and unlimiting God of all powerful unconditional love. I know this God and it is supremely important to me that I not fail this God or do anything ever to cut myself off from this God's love. Because this is so important to me it is easier for me to believe I can do nothing ever to cause my god to not love me. This is the God I teach and I adore. Even if I did not know this God, this God would know me. There is no other God.

I believe in Jesus Christ the living presence, son if you will, the total being of my God. I believe Jesus is my savior, my God, my friend and one and the same in my God. I believe Jesus came into being as a gift from the creator and yet, although I do not understand how, Jesus always was because Jesus is my God.

I believe in the spirit, the wisdom of God which permeates all mankind. This spirit is the essence of God. The wisdom of love not as man defines love, but unconditionally all powerful unlimiting and unlimited love. It is this spirit that somehow gives me the strength not to quit but to always come back. I believe this spirit, this wisdom, has always existed and like Jesus is fully my God while being completely one in my God.

I believe in Eucharist. Bread becomes flesh, blood, body of God, Christ. I would not limit Eucharist to the Roman Catholic image however, I see Eucharist coming always when request by gathered believers in God.

My wife, Linda is the gift of my life and I love her. She is the consistency of my earthly life and the hope I have left for earthly pleasure resides in her company. I look forward to being happy with her, to traveling with her, to giving her a permanent home, to making her happy, to letting her know I love and respect and care about not only her body, but her mind, her being. Linda was God's gift to me in the most personal of ways. It is through this gift that I most have the chance to realize who I am to be in Christ. It is with Linda that I have the opportunity to most serve my God.

I value being my God's servant. I cherish the times I am allowed to be his spokesperson. I am demolished every time I realize the more I do God's will, the more likely my life will be stormy. I am determined to be used by my God. I am so afraid of doing my will and not God's. God has called me personally and spoken to me personally and I will not, I must not, I am determined not, to fail my God or not to listen and do my God's will.

I value my children and I look forward to their children. I want my children to be proud of me and I want to give them a permanent home. I want to help them.

I hate to put this down in writing but it is true, I value money…Money because I can see now how I would use money, a permanent home, to publish my writings about God, to help my family, to help all people in need and yes because it is seen as an accomplishment and I want to be seen as a success. At one time money was the most important thing in my life and I am ashamed to admit it still has too high a value but I want to deal with what I hold most value in and it must be on my list.

I value traveling and seeing and meeting people. I love to see what is there. I love to write and I want to tell people about what I have seen and experienced in this beautiful country I live in.

I value highly my gift of singing. I treasure this gift and am afraid of one day not having it. Sometimes I am closest to my God when I am singing. Sometimes God allows my voice to bring people closer to him. Sometimes singing is the most important outlet I have for love, for frustration, for getting myself back where I should be. I thank you God for this gift and I beg you to use my gift for me.

I value my eyesight for I appreciate seeing. I appreciate what I see and how I see and I appreciate seeing even when my eyes are closed. I am afraid of losing my eyesight but I give thanks for what I see and what I have seen.

I value hearing. My hearing is suspect sometimes and I imagine it will not get better and that makes me value it even more. Because Jamie and Nikki have a hearing problem, I am more keenly aware of my hearing.

Gosh Lord, I value life. Living is great. Maybe I feel things so personally and so passionately because I am so alive. Sometimes I feel life exploding in and from and about me.

I value the people who gave Linda and me life through you. It is from them that I am. Thank you Lord.

There are so many things I value but I think most of all, I value my belief in you O God!

Today Linda and I tried to hold a family day at St. Mary's. 4 families came and 2 stayed for the entire program. Father Ed was there for a short time as was Ken and Sister Yvonne.

Our parish is so busy that a family day is just one more thing for a family to do. I think much of what happens in our parish is so routine or is seen as so normal that nothing becomes special. Sister's adult education program really did not get off the ground. One night there was 1 person, another 6 people and another 3.

I tend to think if we shut all programs down for one month, regroup, and change our priorities, things would become much more special.

Linda still does not feel good. Lord heal my wife and me and make us whole and well.

You should love the Lord God with your whole heart, your whole mind, and your whole being.

I think this is a very clear instruction. Part of me says it is unreal. That you and I should have to be given this instruction. After all who would exist without God? What could have been created if not for God?

How is it one could exist much less live and not love God? I am angry almost at having to be told I must love my God.

It is the most central part of not only my being but of every being that has life to love. All life is centered in love. There could not be life if there were no love. To love is the most natural and most central and most normal part of life.

Who would give humanity which was created from love in love and by and for love such an instruction?

The creator, that's who. Jesus gave us this instruction and did it to call mankind to what mankind is all about.

Jesus followed the one instruction with a second equally important instruction. You must love you neighbor as yourself.

Now I have no quarrel with this instruction but sometimes it would seem to be somewhat hard. I can be most hard for someone to love. I have been so vile and so cruel and so unthinking, I do not know how my wife could possibly love me much less my God love me. I know there is nothing I can do to affect the way God is and the way God is, is love. God loves me no matter. If my wife can still love me and she is a human, then how can I withhold love from my neighbor? If God loves me no matter, how can I not love you no matter?

Love is our most normal state of being. Love is what humanity is all about. It is the absence of love that causes pain. It is the withdrawing from, and the withholding of, love that causes pain. Love, honest and true love of neighbor, God, self must never happen. When it does happen, it is man choosing to turn away from God and that is sin.

Faith. I believed God has spoken to me. I know it and I could never doubt it. If God has not spoken to me, then who has? An evil spirit would not have spoken to me never to kill anything. An evil spirit would never have spoken clearly to me I should write, teach, and speak about the love of God and God's great heart. An evil spirit would never have spoken to me and told me to give God's people a drink of water. God told me personally to do these things. I know. I do not have to believe it because it is part of who I am. Is this faith? I do not know. I just know it is who I am.

Trust. I trust my God loves me. I trust my God loves me enough to forgive me and hold me tight even when I have seriously screwed up which I often do. Do I trust my God, I don't know…I do believe this to be true. If that is trust or faith then it is so.

I hope I am ok. I want to be ok with my God. I desire to be God's son. I know God loves me and I choose to believe I will be God's servant no matter what…if this is hope let it be so.

And faith, hope, and trust are nothing without love. Without love there is nothing. There can never be anything without love. Love is the core, the center, the essence of being. Anything that does not have love does not exist. I think that means that love is in all things no matter how they appear outwardly.

What is absolute? God is absolute. Love is absolute and God and love are the same. Nothing else is absolute.

Where there is love there is God and this is absolute. Nothing exists that was not created by and for God or by and for love. This is true and therefore all things created have God within. All things then must have love within. This would seem to be an absolute flowing into another absolute.

I love you God and I am sorry for my failures. Let Linda and I and Jamie lose weight and be healthy. Take care of us…please Lord.

Do not drop us as we deserve to be dropped but instead, in your love and the love we need so much, hold on tightly to us as we try to cling to you.

I dreamed about finding some money, enough so I could buy my wife and myself a permanent home. I dream about a place that would be hers and mine and sometime even now, our children's and maybe someday their children's. Funny but it would not take $100,000 or more for such a place. For even $25,000 and certainly $50,000 such a place would be ours. It is a dream.

I dream about finding the money to put aside so that Linda and I could someday live in a motor home and go and see and be wherever we think we would like to be, only occasionally going home to our permanent home to rest. It would not take such a lot of money for this to come true, only about $35,000 but that does seem like it is a fortune right now.

I dream about being back in business for ourselves, working with and for people, providing a service, giving fair and good value and living a Christian life giving example. It is a dream.

I dream about the time I will be fulfilling God's hope in me. This will be a time when I help a large amount of people find their way to the love of God. I dream about God using me as a today Noah. I know it is more than a dream.

I dream about their success in the eyes of man. Somehow I know I am a success even if I have not yet fulfilled my promise. The promise of call my God is leading me to, I just know my God views me as a success. I know this is more than a dream.

I dream about choosing up sides with Jesus choosing one side and me the other…sides of baseball teams. I gave the Lord Ruth and Jonson, but I still have Gehrig, Cobb, Mantle, Musial, Koufax, Aaron, and others to choose from. It will be a great game. Maybe the Lord and I will even get to play. I this is a special dream and I look forward to it coming true.

I dream of Linda and me being young and happy and in love and loving each other and God. I dream of me being a good and caring husband for all of her life. When she is young, when she is middle aged, and when she is old. I dream of the two of us united with God in somehow a special glorious life of forever. I do not dream of heaven without Linda for without her I would not be complete and my God wants me complete.

This day I will try to do what I know I should and could do, and I will stir dust.

Tomorrow I will hurt because I do not understand why, and I will still be who I am.

Tomorrow I will cry in anguish over being hurt, and I still will do what I should.

As long as I do not forget who I am and what I am to do, I will be more than on.

When I felt pain I hurt and my body ached and I cried. I did not enjoy it at all. When I caused pain not only my body but my being cried out in complete anguish and I know it was better to be pained than to cause pain. I was sorry to have been the instrument of evil.

When I caused people to laugh, my very soul laughed with them. I know the joy of loving. When my actions resulted in bringing pleasure, I was aware of my God using me and smiling with joy. I knew this was what I should be about. That is loving the people of God.

There were big moments today in my life. Moments when I hurt so much, I allowed myself to hurt back. I am not happy about all of this day. Especially the parts when I caused hurt. The times of living make this day seam bearable. The times of pain seemed most unbearable.

One more moment in my life went fast this day. A period of time that will be no more. Seconds, minutes, hours and now a day that no more will be. I wonder what I have to show for this moment in time.

Did I speak in such a way to tell people of God's love for them? Did I walk in such a way that when people looked, they did not see me, but indeed saw God? I wonder if I did anything of significance this day.

I know I helped people understand something this day. But what I just am not so sure. I held class this day on sacraments. Maybe I should have held a class on love.

I watched a town celebration this evening. I watched people celebrating their community. I saw people using an old traditional holiday to celebrate the life that their community has.

I attended the celebration of the Eucharist this afternoon. I sang and tried to pray and I listed to the Word. I heard much about who I am to love and who loves me. I wish I had seen more actual loving going on around me.

Perhaps I did not see and I did not feel love, because I was not opened to seeing and feeling love.

Perhaps I do not know the good I did this day. I hope I did some because I know this was too nice a day to waste away.

So much I want to feel, to do, to be. So often I come close to being and doing. If only one time I could do and be, and not worry if what I did and was, came out wrong but knew it was God and not me.

Lift me up O Lord my God. Hold me close and tight. Stand firm with me, O Lord. I am who you created and that is enough!

All humans and filled with fears. I am no different. Sometimes what I fear turns out to be of little or no consequence. So far this has been the case with most of my seemingly serious fears.

When Nikki left home on the incredible hurtful day last spring, it was not my worst fear happening because I had never feared her leaving. Indeed I had not thought it possible for her to leave as she did. If you do not think something is possible you do not fear that thing.

When Gigi was missing and Linda and I she was dead we were most fearful. We were fearful not at first because we knew where she was and where she would be. It was when she did not show up at where she was supposed to be that fear set in and invaded in the most real and horrible way.

I fear losing my job not because I would mind losing this job but only because I am not certain of what is next on God's list for me to do. Not knowing what is next or even if there is a next is what causes fear.

My rear end is hurting and slightly bleeding when I have a bowel movement. This is a new thing and being 43 years old, I have a sense of my mortality and I am afraid. Again it is the not knowing that causes fear.

I fear for my wife's health as she is very much overweight and is having difficulty controlling her weight right now. The reason she is having this difficulty is more than likely do to her fears. Her fears are as real to her as mine are to me. Fear feeds on fear.

I fear a meeting I have to attend tomorrow with the man who initiated my hiring here at St. Mary's. I am afraid because of my inability to sometimes control my reactions and I am afraid because of what I may hear.

It is when fear is so strong that one ceases to do because of fear, then it is when fear dominates and nothing good ensures.

I do not have the strength to combat fear and that includes all fear no matter how small or how horrible the fear is. There is only one way to overcome fear. There is only one thing that can overcome fear. This thing is nothing I can make for I cannot make or create anything. It is something that I possess. It is something I was created with and possess for all eternity. I was created by and for and from and through love. Love dwells within me always. I was created because God loves me. It is because of God's love for me that I exist. In God's love for me is the ability to conquer fear. I am a forever creation. Even though my body must die and cease to exist as I know it now, I will never cease to exist for God is forever and a part of me is God. The most incredible part of this is that I am just now understanding this. You see, the part of me that exists forever will be the God part of me. The part of me that is forever is love. My love coming from and being a part of God is what is forever.

This love which is integral to my being is the power to overcome anything not the least of which is fear.

I pray for God to lift me up and cure me and enable me to continue to grow and learn and understand in his wisdom so that I may be able to really serve my God as his chosen servant.

Halloween night,. Jamie and I went trick or treating. It was great. I remembered the years when Gigi, Nikki, and I had gone. I remembered the few years when all three of us went.

It is not the trick or treating I remember so well. It is the being out with my daughters I remember so well. It is the energy of walking for an hour or two in the public with other fathers and mothers and their children. It is this interaction of love that I hold so very dear.

There is something special about doing anything with a child. It is made even more special when there are specific good memories attached.

I never felt put upon as a father. I almost always felt and feel honored to be a father. True it is a responsibility, a great responsibility. I have written and I believe a child never owes its mother or father. It is just the opposite, a parent always has a responsibility for the child.

My role model for parenting in none other than God the father, God the creator. Think of all the times God the father could have vanquished mankind. Think about all the times God must have felt that man did not know God. If the parent could even abandon the child, God would certainly have abandoned mankind. Even more personally if a parent could ever abandon a child, God would certainly have abandoned me by now.

That can never happen. As I have so often stated, there is nothing I or you for that matter can even do under all circumstances ever to cause God to abandon or not love you or I.

This is the rule by which parents must live…any life that God blesses me to take care of as the earthly father of, I will love and cherish and take care for as long as I am alive.

Remember I am not talking about not feeling hurt or pain. All children cause parents pain. We the children of God have caused God much pain indeed we killed our God, yes nailed him to a tree.

No matter the pain inflicted upon us as parents, the love we have for our children must never cease. We must never abandon our children even though they hurt us beyond comprehension.

Perhaps that is why I feel guilty about constantly asking God to stand firm with me because as my parent, my creator, God can do nothing else except stand firm with me.

That's fine to know and I do believe what I write, but, Lord, stand firm with me and hold on tightly cause I am a most selfish child.