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May 1, 1988

My wife and I finished reading the Old Testament last night. Each day, out loud, we take turns reading from the bible. There were some chapters I thought we would never finish.

Often it seemed as though we were reading the same thing over and over. Always God's people seemed to be involved with being told of God's law rejecting it, being enslaved, physically fighting for freedom, and finally returning to live in peace for a short time as God's chosen people.

Always they seemed to kill or be killed. They endured torments and tortures that made reason seem insane. Remember Ruth using all her abilities including her womanly body to protect her people and their belief in God.

I think in horror of the mother watching each of her children tortured in front of her and then being put brutally to death for their belief God. .

So much death and destruction.

I really understood and felt a kindredship with Ezra who was unafraid to question his God.

I love Noah who dared to be different. Would we be here if not for Noah?

At first I did not understand the faith of Abraham.

I think a major highlight of what we read was the prayer of the three men in the fire. Aziriahs prayer--I remember what they said to the king just before being thrown in the fire. Even if their God chose not to save them, it only meant they did not know what God had in mind for them.

I am so afraid of not having a job. I wish I could just say that God is taking care of me and it is fine no matter what. I am trying to, the strong unending faith I have kept is being tested beyond what I think I can handle. The knowledge that God will not let me be tested beyond my capability is not real comforting at this moment. It would seem the people of hundreds of years past had more faith. I know my God will take care of me I know it and I believe.

The one thing I have had reaffirmed by the Old Testament is that God will come to my assistance no matter how badly I have sinned or failed. God always came to his people's help in the Old Testament. God never deserted them, ever. It is this firm belief that God will see me in all my insignificance and help me one more time. This is what I draw strength on and I know it to be true.

My prayer is back to where it should be, I think. O God, do with me as thy wilt. It's ok God. I exist to serve you. Just God, please do not let me go loose and away from you.

Not much of prayer when you consider all the: pressing needs my family has. W we sold the Toyota yesterday and the scooter today for $450. God was with us both days.

I seem to sense that God is getting us ready to go somewhere. Lord, it does not matter where, we will go. If it does not please your will to give us our much needed answer this day, then maybe tomorrow. If you will continue to prop us up, we will continue to stand firm. If you turn us loose, right now, Lord, I we will fall. Even if we fall and fall deeply away from you O Lord, there is no way we could stay long away from you. No matter what, we would come back to what we are and that is your lovingly created children.

Well Lord, later this night, my wife and I will begin to read the good news of the New Testament. I hope our life will turn in the same direction. We have come from the perseverance of faith much as the people of the old persevered until the birth of Jesus. As we begin to read of Jesus, I pray we begin to live as Jesus would have wanted us to.

With all I am, I love you my Lord and my God. I worship you and I thank you for getting me this far. I could not be who I am becoming if I had not been permitted to endure and learn from where I have been. I look forward to tomorrow because I know it will be better than today and so each day will be better. The main reason will be the growing understanding I am being given of the love of you for me and the love I am to give to your people. I choose to accept this love and the responsibility that must be a part of it. I will give your people a drink of water. You are the water and I will de the glass. Bold words from a man of my limited faith and ability, I know. They are more than words of promise. They are words that with your help will come true.

May 2, 1988

What does it mean to be an expecting person?

Does it mean to look forward to something?

Does it mean to believe with all ones being it will happen?

Does it mean to know that not only can it happen, it will happen?

Do you believe even more strongly when hope would seem to be lost?

Do you continue to believe even after hope has fled?

Yes, some people would say that is insanity ‑ maybe because I am such a person, I say it is being expecting.

What is the basis of such faith and can it be misplaced?

The history of God and God's people is a most strong basis.

From Adam to Noah to Moses to David and Ruth and Ezra and so many others, whole nations that refused to set aside their faith - under conditions that make most misery seem almost kind.

Unwavering like Abraham, God never abandoned his people.

They kept believing that God would send a savior, and despite turning away from God over and over again, God saw their faith and sent his only son, Jesus to us.

Even the father and mother of Jesus were tested.

A virgin engaged to be married is given a child. An honorable man engaged to a virtuous virgin finds her pregnant. All either of them have to believe in is the words of an angel. The words of an angel that no one but them have seen or heard. They heard, they believed, and they served their God.

Their son, God's son, was born, lived, and was killed.

In the glory of eternal love, Jesus arose from being dead. In the glory of eternal love, Jesus lives now and forever.

I began my life in love and faith and belief. I wanted more so I lied, cheated, stole all I could get. God knew me and chose me for his own and stayed with me. God gave me a companion for life to help me find my way. I did not appreciate this gift at first and offered hurt. God kept her with me and gave us children from his love. I did not want to appreciate these gifts and caused pain. God stayed with me and would not leave me to myself. Finally after I had ruined all that I had come into, after I could not do anything else except turn to God, I tried to begin to do and be what God would have of me. Again I failed and became miserable and my family suffered, yet God did not abandon me to my misery. I then began to truly beg my Lord God to come and dwell in me. God came and I was frightened beyond my comprehension. God came and dwelled in me and I am not who I was. Who I am now can not lie, steal, cheat even to support my family. Who I am now loves and respects the enormous gift of wife and children. Who I am now is more afraid of failing my God than wanting to gain by means that do not include God. Who I am now has ruined who I used to be, praise God. Even though I have no job and soon no shelter and little money, I can not, I will not turn away from my God and who I am now. More importantly my God will not turn me loose to fall, during the long turmoil filled trip to where I am now.

My God refused to abandon me and lifted me up every tine I fell, there is no way my God will ever turn me loose, because I now have done what my God did at my creation, I was chosen by my God at my creation, now, I have finally chosen my God.

If faith is based on the love of God, strong unlimited faith is never misplaced. The faith I have this moment is that my God is watching out for me and knows my needs. My God knows of the struggles I have endured and will endure. My God sees my strong faith and will come to my aid. I probably will not understand exactly how my God is helping me. That does not in any way negate the fact that God is helping me. I believe with all my heart and being that God will provide me with a job, a place I may serve him. I believe that God will do this soon, this week, maybe today. If for some reason he doesn't, it only means that God has a different plan than what I expect. God's plan is the plan I want to follow. I will be open to God's plan no matter how long or hard the road.

I am an expecting person.

I expect to be better than what I have been. I expect to do this through a growing awareness of the love my God has for me and my family. I expect to be all I can be and all my God wants me to be. God's ever-present love for me and my free will choice to accept this unlimited love will be my way. I expect to have a job this week where I can in love serve my God and his people and provide for my family. I expect this to happen through God's love for me. I do not expect to fall or fail my God or myself. If in my humanity I do, I knowingly expect my God to lift me up. In that case I would expect my God to give me a swift kick and return me most uncompromisingly back to the right pathway. I expect to be a good husband and father. I expect to love and trust and take care of my neighbor. I expect others not to understand me or who I am. I expect to spend eternity at my God's side as his most loving and obedient servant. I expect to spend eternity as the friend of my God.

Amen

May 3, 1988

The Lord of everything, I the Lord who created you, I have chosen you to carry my message to my people. You will brings them water, food, and most of all, my love. You are who I will send, so be prepared.

I know you have chosen me O Lord and I am eager. You have been preparing me for what you would have me do. I just did not know and have been so impatient. The time must be very close now as to when I shall go. Only you, Lord, know where am going with your love.

I shall take each day one step at a time. I shall journey slowly and with determination. It will be an open journey of love and sharing. To all I meet I shall tell of your love. Even to those who will not listen, I will speak of you.

Along the way you will fill me with wisdom.

Along the way I shall grow in your love.

Along the road I shall have reason to rejoice.

For each mile of the way I will be doing your will.

Each second of every moment I will share you with someone.

Up every mountain I will climb until I have reached everyone. No valley will be too deep or river too swift to cross, I shall not rest until every one knows of your love. When my human body tires and my bones ache, you will come and dwell in me and renew my being and purpose.

This Lord is who I am, and who I am is your servant. No longer will I cry, send me, O Lord, send me. For Lord you have called me by name and I have heard. I have already been sent and I am on my way. Here I am, Lord, eager to be all that you have called me to be.

May 4, 1988

The Lord is good and we sense his love for us even when we do not know what we are doing. Even when we don't know why we are doing what we are, we know our Lord is wonderful and all loving.

The Lord has a plan for each of us. The Lord's plan probably is different than what we think it is. I certainly had a different idea about his plan for me. I am ready now to try my Lord's plan.

You see my plan was just that, my plan. My plan did not include what the Lord wanted. I was only concerned with how and what I did. The first growth in me was to know that others were important.

It is not that I can not be important because I truly am. I just can not allow my importance to exclude how truly and significantly important all of God's creatures are. I began my journey thinking only of me.

The first thing one has to learn is to accept. Each of us needs to accept God's love for us. Each of us needs to accept our love for ourself. Each of us must learn to accept the love of others.

In order to accept God's love, we must first know of it.

We learn of God's love through the Word of God. We learn of God's love through the actions of others. We learn of God's love through the Holy Spirit.

If we hate anything, we will have difficulty in loving. We sometimes try to love others and hate ourselves. It is not a possibility, it is not possible. If we can show love we can feel love and know love.

Others can love us without any desire on our part to be loved by anyone or anything. Before we can truly know God's love, we must open ourselves to being loved by others.

Sometimes we are afraid to love or to be loved. Loving is the most natural part of man. The loving Lord Creator God dwells centrally in each of us. Love is our most natural state of being.

It is often possible to love and not have that love returned. When that happens each of us always feel pain. Pain brings anger, hurt, and defensiveness. Loving is easy but not simple.

Because of the fear of not being loved in return - many of us refuse to reach out and love. If you never reach out and love, can you never be hurt. If you never love, can you ever be whole?

There is no way to be complete human beings without love. There is no way to know the glory of being loved if you live a life afraid to love. There is no way to know God without knowing love.

Love fosters strength and lifts ones being.

Love is never silent or passive.

Love is always reaching and being reached.

Love is putting someone else's needs before your needs.

Love s understanding gentle, and sure. It is laughing at ones self and with others.

Love is a joyous and joyful thing.

Love is wife, daughters, sons, and husbands.

Love is more than a definition or any single word or phrase, love is action. The action of caring. Love is not afraid to be misunderstood.

Love is as God is for God is love!

May 5, 1988

Praise God!

We have an interview in Defiance Ohio Friday, May 13th. They will reimburse us for our gas and motel expense up and back.

They called and spoke to Father Tim at Devine Mercy for about a half an hour today. They were concerned with where we were at. They wanted to know about this year. If we had worked out any of the problems we had experienced in the past.

Linda's mom and dad are here from Oklahoma City for the day and night.

We are reading from Matthew. One thing keeps jumping out at us. Jesus calls us to believe.

Linda and I are trying to believe and I think we are beginning to believe.

Please do not let us fail you, O Lord.

Let us have a safe journey and let us not lie or misrepresent ourselves to set this job. Be with us O Lord. If it be your will, please let us hear from Alaska.

Thank you for everything.

May 6, 1988

"I did not come to bring peace."

These are the words or perhaps a trouble maker. They could also be the words of someone that wanted to straighten out a mess and was very much aware that when this was being done, people were going to be upset, angry, etc.

These could very well be the words of a man who came in love. Love and peace sometimes are not together. Sometimes because of love, peace is not probable. Sometimes people need straightening out. Sometimes even people who are seemingly at peace need to have things questioned or even turned upside down. Love is an action that requires an action. Peace can be the result of the action of love. Anger, frustration, confusion yes, even war and violence can result from love.

God is love and all that comes from God is love. Jesus is the son of God comes from God, and is God. Jesus said "I did not come to bring peace."

What is peace? Is it living happily without regard to others? Is peace loving each other no matter the cost? If perhaps peace is living in a loving way with your fellow human.

What did Jesus bring? It certainly was not peace. I mean the people killed Jesus and his followers were often executed for what they taught and believed.

My answer is that Jesus brought himself. Jesus brought us love. Jesus brought mankind hope and a new way to live and believe. This new way is the original way. It is a way that was enhanced so much through the ages that it became a completely different way. Jesus brought us back to the way we were created.

The essential thing that Jesus taught us was, (1) to believe, and (2) to love.

We are to first be believers. We are to believe in God the Father and Jesus as God the Son and the Spirit as God and ultimately in all three as one God.

We are to believe. Jesus is very clear about that.

We are next to love and to believe is to love so they are equal not separated or in order or importance.

We are to love our God. We are to love each other. Jesus is very clear about this also.

This is why Jesus came. This is the essential teaching of Christ. To believe and to love.

It seems we had begun to believe in false Gods. We also had begun to love false objects and false Gods. Even after Jesus came we continued to do these things. The difference is after Jesus came we simply have no excuse for continuing along a wrong path. Jesus was very clear in his teaching. Now, there can be no question that what Jesus taught us could mean a substantial change in the way some of us live. There can be no question that for some of us, this change would result in unhappiness and much turmoil. There can be no question that it would mean the end of what some of us see as a peaceful lifestyle.

The can be no question that Jesus did not come to bring us peace.

May 7, 1988

Sometimes you see so clearly you are blind. I know you say, just how can that be? It would sound impossible, yet it is how it is. Usually it happens after the fact and not before.

You know what it is that caused you to act a certain way, you even know why you acted that way. No doubt you know what to do to avoid that act. Yet this knowledge is never clearer than afterward.

Since we have this knowledge before we do this thing, it would seem we would avoid making this mistake. So often this knowledge seems to disappear from our reach until the situation is over and it is reflection time.

A wise man knows how to avoid losing this knowledge.

A wise man uses his knowledge to avoid the same pitfalls.

A wise man finds a way to call on this knowledge before the act.

A very wise man will use this knowledge to avoid this act.

Now for each man that act is not the same. Yet each of us shares the same feelings about this act. Each of us has the same knowledge and the same wisdom supplier. The one of us that understands and uses this knowledge is rare.

I do not want you to think I am that man. In fact more often than not am not so wise.

I see the pothole, know how to avoid it and step right in. The only redeeming thing about me is I keep getting up.

No matter the faith of a man, if he falls enough, he will have enormous difficulty in getting up. That is where I am at. I've fallen so much, the Lord must be tired of picking me up.

The only hope I have is that my Lord's love for me is unlimited. Because of his love for me, I will not keep on falling. With the wisdom that comes from being loved by God, I will find a way to use the knowledge that has been given me.

May 8, 1988

Last might at mass I heard a man repeat a few very special words of Jesus. It had to do with the fact that Jesus chose us.

If Jesus had not chosen us; perhaps we could sit back and enjoy life. If we had not been chosen by Jesus, perhaps right and wrong would not be of any concern to you and me.

What's that you say? What can you do about anything anyway? So what difference does it make that Jesus chose us?

Fair question. I mean can you or I really do anything about anything? Most of the, time we are assured we can't. Most of the time we aren't even concerned if we can or cannot.

What do you think? Not that it matters to anyone except me. I know I make a difference. Unfortunately for me though, the difference I make is not always the right one. Even when I do or say nothing I make a difference. If I make such a difference (and I do), you must make a difference also.

There is a purpose to all life. No one lives accidentally. No life is unimportant.

No one person can create life. In fact no two persons can create life. Life is given when and only when God desires life to be present. Since God is directly involved in the creation of every life, you can rest fully assured that each life has meaning and sufficient importance.

Jesus chose to live and to die for each life. Jesus chose each of us by name in the most personal of ways. The real question is why? Why did Jesus choose me? Why did Jesus choose you? Why' did Jesus choose any of us?

The answer to each and all of the above questions is this, Jesus chose each of us to believe and to love.

Believing and loving! This is how you make a difference. If you believe, you know you can do. If you believe, you know what to do. If you believe, you will be provided a way to do. If you love you will know how to do.

Do you believe? Do you really love? Do you limit your belief? I know I limit my love. Do you limit your love?

How do you see life and the world you live in? Does everything happen around you or do things that happen involve you?

Just how passive are you? What would make you take a part in life? Was it just too much for you?

Are you a believer? What do you choose to be? If you choose not to believe, make sure you understand it is your choice for you, not God's. If you choose to believe you are a loving person, make sure you understand that love as you understand it and love as defined by Jesus is different.

What do you do about this? Nothing because what can anyone do right? Wrong! You can choose to accept Jesus' love for you. You can choose to ask Jesus to come and be a part of your life.

Jesus chose you. What have you chosen?

May 9, 1988

Tomorrow Linda, Jamie, and I will begin long car journey to Ohio where we will be interviewed for a pastoral ministries job on Friday, May 13th.

They have interviewed at least two others and did not find what they were looking for.

I wonder what they are looking for. Is it us? Is this where the Lord God wants us to go? What f they do not like us either? I guess we would be in good company anyway. What if they decide we are the ones to serve them?

Can we do this job?

Lord God I think we have tried to be so very open to what you would have us do. We would like your hand to guide us on this journey. Do not let them offer and do not let us accept, unless this is where you want us to be.

I think that sounds more like a demand, Lord, than a plea. It is both I think. While we don't want to screw up, we do need a job.

As you know Lord, this would not be out first choice either. We would prefer Alaska., Oregon, Montana, West Texas, but not Ohio close to Michigan.

I just read in the book of Matthew, your words Lord, take up your cross and follow me. Well, we are going to do what it is you would have us do no matter how difficult it turns out to be.

Protect us on this journey and help us so we make the right decisions. Do with us as you will. This is our prayer and it is what we believe. We believe in you and your love for us. We love you and we love each other and we love our neighbor.

May 10, 1988

Two blind men approached Jesus, Jesus asked them "what do you want sir?" They replied "give us our sight." Jesus out of love gave them their sight.

I have written Jesus came to call us to believe and to love. It would seem he also wanted us to know it was time to ask. It would seem if we ask out of faith and we believe, God can do what we ask. In love, God will answer us.

We began our journey to Ohio this day. Last night we sold our VCR and video camera for $700. Tonight we are at my sister's in Georgia.

We have asked our God to not turn us loose, and if we believe he will not. We expect in God's love for us, a place to work honestly, openly, and in love.

We ask you Jesus, for such a place for us this week. Whatever you want is what we will try to want also. We believe and we love. Amen!

May 11, 1988

We are spending the night in a motel in Pigeon Forge, Tenn. We left my sister's at about 6:30 am. We drove through the Smokey Mountain National Park, it was beautiful. We drove up to the top of Klingman dome.

The mountains, the streams, all remind me of the glory of God. The smile of Jamie, my youngest daughter, along with the real sense of partnership I feel with Linda, make me feel more complete and loved than I could ever have imagined. This is the gift of love from my God that has sustained me through this long suffering spell I seem to be enduring. I think it is about over. I sense I am on the brink of real and meaningful change in my life.

O Lord, you must know just how ready I am for this change. I am almost grimly determined to be the man my God wants me to be. I am charging forward now, barging through brick dark walls, in an insatiable rush to get through to the light beyond.

Somehow I'll get there. God will not let me do otherwise and I refuse to consider doing otherwise.

Here I am, Lord - ready or not - here I am -

John

May 12, 1988

We are tired and spending the night at a Motel 6 in Dayton, Ohio. We attended mass today in Knoxville at Holy Ghost Catholic Church-10 am mass. A young priest celebrated. He spoke of the importance of God's ascension into heaven. There was no organist, piano, or guitar, just us and the priest. We sang and I thought the people sang out well. People knelt at the communion rail to receive the Eucharist. It was very pre Vatican II.

After mass I complimented the young priest on his homily and his singing. He knew we were visitors and introduced us to the pastor whom we learned had been pastor there for 31+ years. The pastor quickly said to us not to compliment him or the next time he would speak longer and sing louder. Maybe he was kidding.

Well Lord, tomorrow is the day. Just you take control and be there for us. We love you and whatever you want - no problem!

John

May 13, 1988

Well we got here, met Father Ed and were interviewed.

The car quit running for no apparent reason about 45 miles from Defiance. We paid a young man about $5 to tow us to the nearest auto dealership. We were there about 2 1/2 hours before they were able to look at the car. At first we thought an alternator had gone out, there were no alternators in that town to fit our car. Linda and I prayed to God to heal our car. He did. It was a faulty ground wire to the alternator.

We got to Defiance around 5 pm. Father is talkative like me. He also interrupts like me: I liked him, I wanted to like him.

The interview took over 1 1/2 hours. We were and are exhausted. Think it was a good interview, I don't know.

Last night we read, many are called but few are chosen. The question is where have you chosen us for? Wherever it we will go. Please put us where we belong - where you want us to be. Please speak clearly even if we are sorely afraid of what you have to say.

We love you. Please stand with us. Thank you for taking care of our car this day.

John

Late tonight....Father Ed after a counseling session with someone who needed him, came upstairs, saw we were still awake, and said, "we have decided to offer you the job." He went on to say he was excited about us coming here. It will be impossible to sleep this night!

May 15, 1988

We drove through Chattanooga today. We stopped at Rock City and rode the incline railway up Lookout Mountain.

The ride was gentle yet exciting. It was our first time. Rock City was cool and pretty and pleasant.

We stayed in Macon tonight. We stopped early, had a Chinese dinner, swam, and are now watching a Perry Mason movie on TV.

The great emotion of finally having a job is still waiting to erupt. I think we are worried because we have spent so much time being worried.

I am determined to stop worrying. I will live in the trust of knowing my God loves me.

Praise you Lord God - I love you. I thank you for this opportunity.

John

May 16, 1988

Well we are back home tonight Merritt Island. We have shared our news with almost everyone.

My sister's husband also got his job.

There were no offers and no bad news awaiting us here.

We finished the book of Matthew last night. Tonight we start reading the book of Mark. There is now much for us to do to get ready to move by the 31st of May.

We will be making so many decisions in the next few days- O Lord Jesus stand steadfast and firm with us- guide us in every decision. Do not allow us one small movement without your being very present to guide us. Do not turn us loose. We must not make any part of this change without your giving us the right direction. Please be with us in every thing we do.

Thank you for so much. Thank you for the trip. Thank you for everything but most especially for the job. Thank you for loving us.

May 17, 1988

It is a very hot and humid day. It is so sticky one can feel the sweat before it begins to form on one's skin. The air is heavy and it is difficult to breathe. It is summer in May in Florida.

A day like this day makes making any kind of a decision difficult. You just want to lie around drinking something cold. We can not afford to turn on the air conditioning and we have only one fan. There is no breeze.

UPS is going to be our best bet in shipping our goods.

I should change the oil in the car get boxes to box up our goods, and do almost a dozen other things.

I would like to write about what I feel now that I have a job. I am still numb and the words just are not ready to come. I know they will eventually come.

We started reading the book of Mark last night. It is more of a narrative than Matthew. John the Baptist was in either book, quite a man. I really feel a close kindredship with John. He announced the Lord. He told it like it was or is, even though it eventually cost him his life.

I think Jesus and John must have been the best of friends. John knew Jesus and John understood what John was to be doing that is preparing the way of Jesus the Lord.

Thank you Lord God for the gifts you have given me.

John

May 18, 1988

The priest from O'Fallon, Illinois called just now. He is very interested but would like us to visit before he would offer the position. Linda explained we had a firm offer and we were going to accept but, Linda did not tell him a direct no. She said she would call him back on Friday to let him know if we were still interested.

We are not interested. We have been offered and have accepted a place to serve. Why did we not just say so?

Linda is going to call St. Mary's tomorrow and arrange for our insurance to start and see if there is a place we can ship our goods.

We are firmly committed to Defiance. Are we going to be tempted by other possibilities now that we finally have someone who wants us? I imagine we will.

I am so grateful for the offer from Defiance and the jobs are exciting and the money is fantastic compared to what we have lived on over the last few years. The priest seems terrific and I cannot think of considering another place.

Maybe Linda was just being nice to this man. Maybe she was hedging our bets, but against what? Why are we so afraid? Throughout the last few years we have often been close to totally being wiped out yet we almost never hedged our bet. I think we should just get on with being excited and happy over the good fortune and the fine opportunity God has decided to give us.

And so I will be! And so I am!

May 19, 1988

Now that the wall is down and the vision is clear, I should be able to see far ahead down the road. I see only light after a long dark journey. The light I see is only for this day.

One should never fear what tomorrow will bring. There is no way to be certain of what that will be. Only the loving Lord Creator God knows what each moment will bring. Man should only do the best man can each moment of life.

I lived in darkness so long and so black, that I have to learn to live again in light. When fearing to laugh for fear of what will follow becomes a man's constant way of living, even light must be grown accustomed to as man's only means of life.

In darkness, hope becomes all one has to hold on to. In darkness I held on to hope with all my being. My being was not enough so God sent an angel to steady me. Out of darkness through steadfast hope I have come to light.

The light came just in time, for my soul had grown weary and tried. I face the light trembling with fear that I may not be ready. My angel assures me God has prepared me well for light. In God's light I will live and I know I am ready.

Lord I am afraid of faltering or failing.

Lord I just know you will not allow it to happen.

Lord I will remain steadfast in my acceptance of your love. Lead me O Lord into the fullness of life in your light!

May 20, 1988

I went to a world of make believe today.

It was a world where good triumphed over evil.

It was a world where God overcame all obstacles.

It was a place and a time where anything was possible.

A place where no matter how hard evil tried, good prevailed.

I live in a world that seems to have set aside - the knowledge that God will overcome all that is bad. We seem to have forgotten the awesome power of good.

It seems that we have come to accept that evil is.

I live in a world that has accepted evil as reality.

This is not the world the Lord God created. This is the world God's creations have chosen to live in. It is not the world the Lord God wants his creations to live in. This world just seems to be the choice of man for now. The Lord God is tired of man making wrong choices.

I know the world I live in can choose to be a Godly world. Humanity wants to choose to return to the world of God. God dwells in each of us, powerful love waiting to burst forth. The world unknowingly awaits a leader to take it to God. You and I are the ones chosen for this deed.

At first it would seem to be an awesome unreal task. Upon closer examination, we will determine that there is no way we can accomplish this task. You and I can do nothing on our own volition. You and I as one in the Lord God can do anything even this.

I believe through my actions, words, and deeds. I know in the love my God has for me and my love for him, the world I live in can be changed into the world that was first crated by my God and the world of man and God. Change can only begin when someone is willing to change. I Lord am willing, Lord am here, use me as you will!

If you see me change to become a better man know that it is not because of who I am. It is because I have been given the privilege of being a servant of the one who created me, my God. Come along with me on this journey see now there are two of us. Soon someone else will join with us and then there will be three.

Let us become a people filled with love.

Let us become a people that love one another.

Let us become the people we were created to be.

Let us become a world full of people who believe.

And let us live truly what we believe.

Most of all, let what we believe be centered in God's love for us.

Amen!

May 21, 1988

What if you woke up tomorrow and tomorrow was the day after tomorrow and not tomorrow?

What if you woke up and tomorrow was one hundred years from today or even one year from today? What if you woke up tomorrow and tomorrow was no more?

What would you have left behind of importance?

Would it be possible to know you had even existed?

What of importance if anything did you leave behind?

What kind of life did you live?

How did you live your life?

What did you do that was good while you were alive?

If you were to be remembered, how would it be as? Was there love present in your life? If there was love in the way you lived your life, people will remember and tomorrow will be more than today was. Today in the life of a loving being is life in its fullest.

Did you ever love anyone beside yourself?

Did you ever care for someone in need?

When did you ever help someone even if no one ever helped did you?

When did you ever care more for someone than for yourself?

Did you ever love yourself so much you could not help

but love others?

Do you fear tomorrow's coming more than living today?

Do you seek to see all you can be every moment of your day?

Do you include the God who created you in your every action?

Have you turned away from your fellow man so as not to be hurt? If so, we both know why tomorrow is of such concern.

It is not too late seek God's help. It is not too late to make your life count. God is never too late and God is always ready for you. Change your life while you have the chance. Draw on the love God has for you as the power to be all you can ever be.

If you choose to make your life worthwhile, if you choose to live a life of love, if you choose to make a difference, then my friend you will be remembered forever - and whatever tomorrow you wake up in will be the same!

May 22, 1988

All around us was uncertain. Fear prevailed in our heart. We felt alone and suddenly lost. There was no leadership among us. The crowds outside screamed for our lives. My soul cried out for mercy.

There was this strange but real inner strength. All of us, I even me, could feel it. No matter how frightened we were, there was a certain calming strength. And then once more terror set in as the crowd screamed louder.

We could hardly move a limb of our body. Then one of us really wanted to move. I could not help but think what if Jesus was still here? What would the Master do? What would he expect us to do?

It seemed I was not alone in my thoughts of the Master. There was this impulsive burst of open prayer. Suddenly all of us gathered in that room, joined together in open, honest, and fearful prayer. Aloud we implored our Lord and master for a direct sign.

Then there was quiet so quiet one could hear the sweat form. The noise of the crowd grew in volume. We were no longer afraid but now we were one. It was in this oneness that what happened, happened. It was in this unexpected oneness that the spirit came with a rush of roaring wind and amid the noise of life. Trembling with the fear of anticipation, some thought the end of the world had come. Fire appeared over each and every one of us. Fire came and dwelled within the heart of each of us.

The love that is born with the first life of each man leapt to a fiery blast and roared from the furnace of our being. The spirit of God came and dwelled in us. The spirit of God ignited the fire of our souls and action became our being before we were even aware of the action.

I sprang out the door completely unaware. It wasn't that I was unafraid of the crowd, I did not even see the crowd. I saw the people of God. My mouth opened and words poured forth from my fire. What I said came from deep within the love of my God for me.

I was not alone as my fellow brothers and sisters also had reacted as I had. Filled, overflowing with the Good News, there was no thought of not doing this. There also was no thought of doing g this thing either.

So many hearts for the first time heard of Jesus. So many heart s for the first time loved Jesus. So many people for the first time accepted. So much was accomplished by the Spirit that glorious day, indeed yes, this is how it all began.

May 23, 1988

A father is a man who loves.

Without love a man cannot be a father.

A father is a man who takes care of and allows the ones who love him to care for him.

A father is a man who shows the way through the action of his being.

If there is no action there is no fatherhood.

A father does not have to be anything except himself.

A father determines the meaning of family.

A mother is a woman who loves and allows herself to be loved.

A mother is a woman who comforts the ones she loves.

A mother is the action by which unity takes place.

A woman of loving comforting action is a mother.

A mother is a woman who is all things to the ones she loves.

A mother gives meaning to the word family.

A child is the love action of man, woman, and God.

A child is the sail seeking the wind.

A child will be whatever is opened to his or her presence.

A child is to be cared for through the loving presence of parents.

A child has needs of being loved, directed, and held.

Parents provide for the needs of the child.

A child in a family will grow to be a father or mother.

There is no one definition of father, mother, or child. Father, mother, child are not a role we play. Indeed, it is what each one of us is at a given time. To be a father is the most important priority of a father. To be a mother is the most important priority of being a mother. Being a child is not to understand priorities. There is never life unless a present God wills it.

Father, mother, child do not comprise a family.

A man can unite with a woman and through the grace of God, a child is born, yet that man may not be the child's father, the same can be said of a woman. A physical relationship does not insure being a father or a mother. Just as a father, mother, and a child does not insure family. It is the presence of love that brings it about.

Father, mother, child, and God united in love is family.

May 24, 1988

We are well on our way to being packed. It looks as though we will have 15 - 18 boxes about 50 - 60 pounds each to send to Defiance. We are going to send them by UPS. We hope it will not cost us more than the $250 a very nice lady gave us to move on.

It is very hot and humid. The sweat drips down our body and our tempers are under control but short.

I think once it is done and we are ready to move everything will be just fine. I know it will be. See Lord, how is that for believing. Why not? You have taken care of us so well. I think it is important to note we were offered the job in Defiance on the 140th day of writing this year. Remember last year when all seemed lost? I thought I was to write for 70 days. The message is clear, I am to write every day of my life from this day on.

This is the last day until we unpack in Defiance that I will be writing on the computer. I have a small book that I will write in daily until then.

There will be days when I will be tired and not sure what to write. Then I will need the firmness of my angel friends to steady me. I am counting on it.

O Lord thank you for the many gifts you have bestowed on me and my family. Do not turn us loose O Lord, do not turn us loose. Hold us tight and let us cling tightly to our God

May 25, 1988

So I begin again to write by hand. Most everything we are shipping is packed…20 boxes - $221.67 UPS - to be picked up on Friday. We still have the car to pack, the apartment to clean, and Nikki's things to take to my parents.

We are listless and tired and strangely enough a little depressed. Lord heal us mentally, physically, and spiritually...Lord take care of our daughters and let us do what you want us to do.

Above all, Lord, please do not let us fail in our efforts to serve you; to become better people. I really think we have finally stumbled on to the right path. Please keep us on your pathway, do not turn us loose.

I think of all those people in the bible who just believed if they could touch you they would be healed. I do not even need to touch you I know at your discretion, I will be healed. I love you Lord

May 26, 1988

One more day, almost done. Nikki's things are taken to my parents. Everything is finally ready for UPS. Our car is ready to be packed.

Jamie is being a chatterbox. She is just nervous like us. I told her to be quiet until I told her she could speak. I told her she could speak too soon. She is still a little mad at me. I don't blame her. I love her so very much.

I wondered if I sold out. If by taking this job, I had become a teacher of the law, I do not think I have. After all I did not or do not even particularly want to go to Ohio. I'm going because, it seems to be where God wants be. And am so very grateful God wants me anywhere, anytime.

I guess I am more than just a little irritable too tonight.

Stand firmly with me – hold me Lord God – do not let me falter.

May 27, 1988

Well we said goodbye to the people of Devine Mercy this morning. Devine Mercy is a large (growing larger) affluent parish that has not accepted its wealth yet. The school is run by three sisters from Ireland who have been at Devine Mercy for over 20 years - since the inception of the school.

The: school is the center of the parish community. The school along with the daily mass people is the core of Christianity.

Sister Vera is the principal. She is as honest and straightforward as are the other two sisters. You can quickly pick up on the fact that Vera is the one in authority. She is very quiet and yet unmistakably firm. There is a certain gentleness about her.

Sister Ann perhaps could use a change or scenery. She is so aware of people and their needs. She would be a wonderful parish pastoral Administrator. She helped me so much this year. She is so talented.

Sister Cybil was the original head of the school, the first principal. She teaches religion quietly but indeed firmly. She is loving, gentle, and knowledgeable. Jamie really loves her.

Father Ed is the pastor. He is not yet aware of what it fully means to be a pastor. Yeti if the parish will unite behind him, and stand with him, he will learn. He means well. He does not seem to be able to help not giving off wrong signals. He is a pastoral man even if he is not sure of what it means to be pastoral.

Thank you God for bringing us to Devine Mercy, we needed so much this year. Thank you Lord for giving Jamie a good, Christian, Catholic school to attend. Thank you for Father Tim of whom I'll write about another day and time.

Stand with us Lord. Do not let us falter. Thank you for loving us and being …our God.

May 28, 1988

Had car front end aligned - $32. Bought medicine, $69, sent Nikki $50, and bought Dad a small Father's Day gift.

Gigi is leaving St. Bonaventure right now Lord, please keep her safe. It was a good year for her. I think she learned about people and herself. She contributed much to their community. I am proud of her.

We began reading Luke's gospel today. We read chapter 1. It is certainly one of the most beautiful chapters in the bible.

John means "one who was sent from God to prepare the way." I am John also. I know I am not the Baptist or anything like him, but I am John. I so want to live up to my name.

I hope I will not fail my God.

John

We arrived at Linda's parent's home in Okla. City late this afternoon. We spent the night just over the Arkansas boarder near the Mississippi.

I was thinking about Linda and me and our journey today. Is it possible we have finally stumbled to the right path? If we have, do we still have the future of a lifetime ahead? It just cannot be too late.

To save something for tomorrow is our hope yet today always seems to demand more than we have. Some people might say it is that way because we let it be that way. I don't know. I only know that now we are taking each moment one at a time and moment by moment we are trying with all we are to be God's servant.