March 1, 1988

 Today is my birthday. I have lived forty-three years. I have a wife and three daughters who love me.

 When I was eighteen I was sure my God would do a great miracle that would allow me the chance to be. The miracle that I was expecting and anticipating did not happen. A different miracle must have happened for today twenty-five years later I still expect a similar miracle. Perhaps I will never learn. Perhaps what I have learned is that God never gives you the miracle you expect.

 I suppose I have also learned that hope always is. Hope in what would seem to be impossible is sometimes all we have. Since no human can do the impossible, there must be a God to do these things. Since I can not imagine being created by accident, I believe in a God who created me with a purpose in mind. Since my God created me deliberately, I must have been created out of love. Since I am created from God's love, I am love and I believe in love. Since my God loves me I always have hope. Yes, I still hope for what would seem to be impossible.

 I even hope and believe that God will give me the miracle I have been praying for. You say it didn't happen twenty five years ago and doesn't seem likely to happen now. That may be so but it does not deter me from maintaining hope. This consistent and persistent hope in my loving creator God is my life substance. I refuse to turn it loose.

 In the same way I also believe that my creator God loves me no matter my insane mistakes. My God loves me no matter how often I fail or fall.

 Even if the miracle I am seeking does not come about, it will not affect my relief in my God and my God's love for me.

 It is quite conceivable that my God has all he can handle just taking care of me. It is quite believable that my God! Is answering me every moment I am alive. God loves me and knows all so perhaps God is providing me with all I need. Because God's answers are not the answers I dream of I tend to think God is not answering me. It would seem that sometimes I do not seek what God wants me to.

 While I understand all this, the plain truth is that I would not fight God's plan for me if I only but knew just what that plan was. I would not expect the impossible miracle from God if once an impossible miracle was clearly given to me in a way I could see and appreciate-that is not to mean I do not appreciate Gods present presence in my life. I can not imagine life with out God's presence. The plain truth is no life is possible without God's presence.

 So here I am on my birthday. I have great and impossible needs yet, I am most thankful for all the miracles already given me. While I expect an impossible miracle this day, I also acknowledge that God's continuing and ever present love in my life is the greatest miracle of all. It is this that I give thanks for this day.

 

March 2, 1988

 My wife told me that I don't need to tell God what my needs are. She said that God knows my needs. For one thing, my wife said, I have told God in the most open and precise manner just what my needs are. God has heard my pleas.  I asked her why there was no answer. My wife said maybe there was no answer because I did not expect an answer.

 That kind of bothers me. Could it really be that I have given up on God answering me? I think she is right.

 Well God I want to blame you because if you had answered my desperate plea, I would not have given up on you answering me. On the other hand I suppose if you had answered my prayer, l still would not be expecting you to answer me. Again my answer would have been already received.

 I feel so closed off toward you, Lord. It is as if I am almost afraid that you will answer me. You see if you do answer me and I screw it up one more time, you may just give up and walk away from me forever.

 Now my brains tell me that can not happen. The main thing is I know I can do nothing that would cause you ever to stop loving me. I also know I haven't stopped loving or needing you. Something else inside me is making me afraid. Maybe it is the evil one. I don" t know what it is. I think it is the devil. The devil knows I am in a weakened state. The devil knows I am tired, frustrated, worried and desperate for a positive sign from you, my God. The evil one nurtures itself on these feelings inside me.

 Well I state once more. Come Lord Jesus, come to my heart. Rid me of the devil once and for all. I reject Satan, I reject evil. I reject and abhor anything that takes away from you my God! Come Lord Jesus. Come Lord .Jesus, come to me!

 I am sorry for my lack of faith. I love you Lord Jesus! I love you and I reject the devil and the devil's ways.

 Be gone Satan! In the name of my and God, Jesus I command you Satan to be gone from my being forever! In the name of Jesus, I command this!

 What is inside of me is Jesus Christ. What is inside of me is the essence of God and that essence is love! Love is God's being. No matter if I am weak and fall often and seriously, my inner most being is God. You see, God created me and dwells within me. No wonder the devil is so attracted to me. The devil can not keep away from that which is God and inside me dwells God. I think the devil truly yearns to be reconciled with God. Devil, I can tell you how. Just say these words and God will take you, dev I l and heal you. Say after me, come Lord .Jesus, come into my being. Come and fill me Lord Jesus. Say those words and I know as do you, devil, the Lord Jesus will heal you.

 Lord Jesus I am sorry for not expecting my miracle. I am sorry for making excuses about my humanity. Send me strength in the form of an angel to help me until I am strong enough to be that which you want me to be. I know it may take a long time. I also know you will not turn away or give up on me. Send me that angel and watch me, Lord, watch me grow. 

 I am sorry for all my signs and failings.

 

March 3, 1988

 The Lord gave me an answer today. As per normal it was not the answer I hoped or prayed it would be. On the other hand it was not a negative answer. My wife said I should look for the positive in this answer. At first I felt that I could find nothing positive in it. In fact I sort of felt that it was a slap in the face. An out and out punch.

 As usual, I am wrong.

 The Lord God knows of my hope. He has heard my prayer and seen my faithfulness. The Lord God does not ignore his people. The Lord God listens and loves and answers his people. I am the Lord God's people. Now I know of course that you are his people also. The point is that this Lord God who created you and me from within and dwells forever within us could never deliberately hurt one of his own.

 It would seem that me, yes me, the one who preaches to you that the essence of God is love, and that God's love is eternal and all powerful, well, it would seem that I tend to forget that on occasion. You know the saying, what kind of fool am I? I hope God smiles when he hears me say I am his, God's fool.

 The hope in this answer was obvious. I received a letter from a subsidy publisher today. The letter was dated March 1, my birthday. I did not know the letter was from a subsidy publisher. What is a subsidy publisher? You, the author, pay them to publish and promote your book. Well I just thought I had received a great and glorious answer from my God. I thought a publisher had decided to publish my book.

 I think my feelings of hurt can be understood in that I thought at last God had provided me with a publisher, then I found that I would have to pay them to publish me.

 The hope is this and it is real. God was telling me not to give up. God was telling me to continue to believe. God was clearly saying hang on.

 I think faith is just that, hanging on. Yesterday I challenged the devil to call God into the devils heart. Today the devil took advantage of my weakness and need to send me on a rollercoaster of emotion.

 In the end, after the human reaction, after the emotion; I turned once more to my Lord.

 That is the answer. Turn to the Lord. Expect a miracle and one will be forthcoming. My miracle must be getting very close now because the devil is taking much interest in me. That's ok, Mr. Devil you can win any number of small battles with me. Hey I fall as easy and as often as ever there was a sinner. I am ashamed and sorry about this. But know this, I have been claimed by Jesus Christ. I guess the correct way to say that would be like this. The loving Lord Creator God has claimed me for his own. In accordance with Jesus' teaching in John chapter 6, verse 37, the loving Lord God has sent me to his son my savior, Jesus the Christ. Once so claimed I am forever his. Verse 39 of John chapter 6 is my proof positive that I am never going to be lost to my God. I am his and nothing can change that.

 You know I knew this inside of my self without even having it in scripture. God had revealed this to me. Having such proof in scripture, having my Jesus' words in written form is a separate and great blessing and gift.

Thank you Lord for my gift today. I was not rejected and you hold out hope to me. I expect my miracle and I expect it soon.

 O Lord my God, how I cling to you. How I love you and how very much I am glad you have claimed me.

 Praise and glory to you Lord Jesus Christ. Praise and glory to you Lord God, father, son, and spirit one.

 If you are lost and there is no dope, look within yourself and find the God of eternal hope and love that forever dwells there!

 

March 4, 1988

 

Loving unconditionally is much harder to do than I thought. I set out to tell someone dear to me that I loved her.

 

I just wanted her to know my love had not gone away. It is important for me to tell her my love is forever. A father can never put aside the love he feels for a daughter.

 

Quite naturally what I wrote her had to include a reminder, a reminder that she had hurt me so very much. This reminder did not take into account she was also hurting, O yes, what I wrote her was that I loved her.

 

The bottom line is I could not mail this to her.

 

You understand don't you, I am still hurting so much I still had to let her know she had caused me pain, and I still did not want to acknowledge her pain. No indeed I wanted her to know I loved her very much, I loved her so much I wanted her to feel my pain.

 

I am glad I did not mail this letter, I'll write her again, this time I'll just let her know I love her very much, this time I'll ask her if she needs anything at all, this time I'll let her know she's ok and doing fine, this time, I'm going to love her unconditionally.

 

 

 

March 5, 1988

 

Oh God, my God, loving creator of all that is, was, and will be, Glorious King of all creation, Wondrous Majesty, our Father, I come to you on bended knee, anyway I can get to you, I will come. Come to you to sing of your love, to tell of your mercy, I come to you as an unworthy and worthless servant.

 

I come to you knowing my love for you will be accepted.

 

Mighty Father, Son, and Spirit on this time I sing your praise, this moment is mine to speak of my love for you.

 

How I wish that all my moments were spent in praise of you, this moment is what I have right now and I offer it to you, a moment in the eternity of time, an instant soon past, this moment 1not even as big as a sand pebble in a desert, this moment I give to you my unconditional love,

 

Any gift is important and special, even this small gift of mine my love originates and finds it worth only in its beginning, that beginning was a gift of love from you that dwells in me, your love is as endless as the stars in the sky.

 

Your love that dwells within me! And is the source of my love, is the love I now so humbly return to you my Creator God, because of you this gift I give is of endless and worthy praise.

 

Offer this gift not because of any one special reason. I know of no great miracles that have happened to me this day of course I probably simply have not looked to see them, just got tired of so often complaining and begging. Wanted you to know I have not forgotten who I love. Wanted you to know I have not lost sight of who loves me, I just wanted to offer you one moment or praise and love.

 

So Lord, I say again, as loud and as strong as I can, loving Lord Creator God, Son, and Spirit One, I praise you!

 

I worship you, oh glorious and mighty Father, oh Miracle Maker, King of Kings, Maker of all that is, Source of Love, I praise your strong heart and I give glory to your name, you are indeed the Lord God Almighty, oh Giver of all Life!

 

 

 

 

March 6, 1988

 

What kind of eyes do you look through?

What kind of world do you live in?

What kind of person have you become?

What kind of feelings do you feel?

What kind of love do you have to give?

 

The eyes I received at birth opened wide in wonderment to see a world of love, caring hope, and happiness. These same eyes began to see things were not always good then these eyes began to look in distrust and anger, finally these eyes were able only to look and not see.

 

The world I was born into was warm, friendly or so it seemed. I grew up in a world that fostered dreams and hopes, then I began to live in a world of unreal reality, in this reality I began to flounder and lose my way, the world I now live in is sadly real, and very demanding.

 

The person I wanted to be is not the person I am.

You see, I wanted to be a caring, loving, honest being, someone who reached out and loved his neighbor, someone who provided for the needs of his family. The person I am is just barely surviving, not really alive.

 

The feelings I feel, are of pain and anguish,

I feel the hurt of rejection and not being wanted,

I feel uneasy and angry at who I have become,

I feel I must have done so many things wrong to cause these feelings, I feel I would do anything for one more chance to be.

 

The love I have to give now is still one of caring, sharing.

The love I have to give now is an angry demanding love, the love I want to be able to give is undemanding and free. 

The love I will give is myself with all my faults, and yes, talents, the love I hope to soon give is the love of a man - a man who has come to accept his good along with his bad.

 

I want my eyes to see again„ not just look.

I want my world to be a world of dreams and of life. My person will be a real person living, trying, being, my feelings will be full of today's goodness.

 

My love will be a mature love, understanding and not demanding.

 

I do not have the ability by myself to change what is today,

The one who created me in his image and love will do this for me, this loving creator God will not desert me in my time of trial. My loving God will give me the strength and ability to change, so that I might be the person with eyes that see.

 

A person who looks through loving eyes and feels good.

 

A person who feels good and lives in a world where God dwells, where God dwells there is love and so I will be a man of love.

 

March 7, 1988

 

Give us the added strength we now must have.

Send us an angel, an angel like Raphael, Gabriel and Michael and who do I expect to answer this plea, who has this power, there is only one, the one God I pray to is God of all, and so in confidence I come to you with this prayerful plea, Lord God heavenly and earthly king whom I adore with all I am, loving creator God, son Jesus, and Holy Spirit all in one, source of all peace and love, wonder of wonders, my God.

 

You who have answered me and nourished me in ways I do not know, there is no way I deserve to have you grant any wish I make. I have done so countless wrong, unjust and unloving things, my only hope and it is the hope I cling so very tightly to, my hope is in the limitless depths of the eternal lasting love-that I your most sacred heart, this love is who I know you to be, this all powerful all consuming love is what I know as God. This real love that I know as God could never turn away from - an unworthy and worthless servant such as I am.

 

It is in this love that I refuse to give up or stop believing, what it is I am believing is that, you, my God, want me, you my God, want me to serve you in a specific pastoral way, and so I beg you send me the strength of an angel, any angel, not just one of the three I asked for, but any of your angels, oh Lord my God please hear and answer my prayer.

 

Please find us a place to minister for you,

Please find us a way to earn our daily living as your servants,

Please Lord God, do it today, this moment for our need is now.

Know this Lord God, if you choose not to allow this now, well, tell Mr. Satan to hang in there, you' re still our God, we are still your people, we are an expectant people.

We will be a fulfilled people for you are the Lord God almighty.

 

Another publisher turned my book down this day. They said poetry does not sell and it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if what I wrote has meaning or is valuable, you see what matters is how much money it would bring in, the interesting thing is how do you know if it would sell, it seems the best way with any book would be to publish it, let the public decide if they would buy and read it.

 

Tonight there is a life in the spirit seminar at church, this is the fourth week and tonight people will receive, what they receive depends a great deal on the individual, some will not receive anything, some will think they received-anything from the Holy Spirit to the gift of healing, some will claim to receive the gift of tongues. I hope I just end up feeling closer to my God for a moment.

 

Well that's all folks, that is all I can think of.

The only thing left for me to write is of God's love for me.

It seems I write of that quite often to the point of redundancy, yet I tell you it is true, God does love me and my family, my wife and I talked to God this day and seemed to find hope, we are praying that God will look past our many sins.

 

We need to feel God's love for us in a most special and unique way, we still believe that the miracle we seek is getting close, we just need the strength to hold on until God is ready.

  

March 8, 1988

 

I simply have no knowledge of what I should write this day,

I have the desire and the urge to write just as I have before, I have tried several different topics and nothing feels right, so I am just pushing keys on the keyboard and hoping, what am I hoping to write this day, what should I hope for? Questions I have no answer for and yet I am still writing. I guess I am thinking that if I remain firm in my resolve, my Lord will see this firmness and take hold of me.

Then maybe what I write will have some meaning for you and me.

 

Today is a primary election day and people are not voting.

So what is new about that? Not much except we are surprised, usually it is taken for granted that people refuse to vote, this day there was a number of candidates. More than normal, it seems not one of them could turn out the vote.

I guess it is one of those sad but true facts of life, even when we have free will we do not seem to want or appreciate it.

 

A man resigned his position this day because he wasn't, what he wasn't was what he seemed to be or supposedly was.  He did not have the paper that he said he had. The formal paper, we still do not know if he could do the job he was hired to do, and you know that doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

The fact that he lied to obtain this job isn't even what matters, what seems to matter is that he did not possess the right paper.

 

 

 

March 9, 1988

 

I was prayed over last night by believing people.

 

They not only prayed for me to receive the Holy Spirit, these beautiful believers were certain I would receive him. My eyes were closed tightly as I stood in God's presence, my thoughts were only an opening of myself to my Lord, no other thoughts were allowed to intrude upon my being. I began to pray aloud with these people, praising God, this praise was honest and deep and pure and most special. My body began to become weak, my legs were like rubber.

 

I was conscious of what was happening, yet I yearned for my God. I yearned so hard for my God I began to surrender my will, at first I was afraid and then God came into my being. Peace began to overwhelm my being and I was aware of God, and then, I heard a voice, insistent, speaking to me in a special moment I was wide awake and aware.

 

What I was aware of was the interruption of my soul.

 

I was aware my moment of special unity with my God had passed. Not because I was ready for it to pass, but because - I had been brought back to the physical presence of his people, this voice kept asking if I had received the gift of tongues. I said no but that I was open to any gift God gave me. Then I was instructed to practice speaking at home, this would help me realize the gift of tongues.

 

I wanted to shout to them, these beautiful God people. Please continue praying with me and for me, please continue to pray.

 

But it was time for the next person and I was almost angry. I felt they did not have time to really pray with me.

 

My wife instructed me they didn't know what was happening to me. They gave me their best and loved me as best they could. In retrospect I am most grateful for these God people, they stood firm with me in their love for their God.

 

And what they did worked because I still burn.

 

The memory of that special moment was an important sign more than sign it was a gracious gift of love from God. A gift I would not have been open to had it not been for them.

 

 

 

 

March 10, 1988

 

I started not to receive my Lord and God this day.

 

Can you imagine deliberately stopping yourself from - the reception of your God. It is an unthinkable thing, yet I almost did not go forward receive the Eucharist. Understand it was not because I did not want or desire my God, indeed I desire God to be present in me in every fashion. I know God is physically present in the Eucharist.

 

God is present there as in no other possible way. It is in the Eucharist that God the Father, Son and Spirit form the most perfect union with their people becoming one.

 

I have been having such a difficult time in my life. I am as open as I know how to my God and his word. Whatever it is God wants me to do and be is fine. Even while saying that I acknowledge that all my God asks of any of us is to accept his everlasting love. Once this love has been accepted we are free to be, free to be that which we would like to be, God's person.

 

It seemed the more open I was to God's word, the more rebuked I was in this very word. A caring God person told me in clear terms - it was not God's word that was rebuking my spirit, the evil angel can see just how close I am to my God. The evil angel can see how precious and valuable to God I am, because of this the evil one has intensified his efforts - his efforts to frustrate and turn me away from who and what I am.

 

The incredible strength of God which I know as grace, grace has been given me to enable me to resist. And Lord, I am resisting, I am clinging even tighter to you. I am resisting so hard Lord, I am resisting even your love. But it is ok because I know you will give me what I need. You will never turn away from me ever and I am firm.

 

As I said earlier I almost did not receive you this morning, not because I do not want you, I yearn and burn for you. I with the evil one's help, thought I was getting to close to you. Perhaps I was too familiar. You are my friend as well as my God, perhaps I was not showing you enough respect, homage. If I did not receive you I would be showing homage, you see I would be admitting I am not worthy of your love.

 

I received you this morning and I will receive you any time I can. I need your love and strength and the Eucharist-my support, there is nothing wrong with your being my friend. I rejoice in your friendship and I adore you oh God.

 

The devil got to me this morning and played heavily on my fear. My Lord and God got to me this morning and renewed me. My Lord and my God renewed me with all the love I need.

 

Now Lord you know me and you know my weaknesses, you know of my fears, failings and many faults. So it will not come as any shock to you if I stumble.

 

 

On my part I resolve to remain firm in my compete trust in you, as an outward sign of this resolve. I started to promise that I would continue to receive the Eucharist daily, the truth is I could not stay away from the Eucharist even should I try so foolish as to try to do so.

 

I guess you know that I have long since chosen to follow you. The strange, to me anyway, thing is I am happy in my choice. Once in a while, more often than I like, the devil slows me. Each time I cling a little tighter to you my Lord. Each time you seem to refuse to let me go away, and that is my continuing prayer and only prayer.

 

Please do not turn me loose, hold me tight - for without you oh God, I am lost!

 

 

 

 

March 11, 1988

 

Who are you and I to question the Lord God?

 

Do we know the answer before the question is asked?

Did you or I ever create anything by ourselves?

What can either of us do completely by our self?

Is not everything that is, ever was, or ever will be, that which the almighty God of creation has willed to be?

 

It seems to me that you and I do have a right to question our God. Indeed I think God wants this from us and is pleased by it. You see God created us to be free and to choose our own way. God does not predestine our future or limit free will. But it is important to remember that if, we do question God, then we must expect our God to answer us, and, answer us God will. Perhaps not as we expect, in fact God's answer may not even be very desirable to us. God's answer will always be centered in love for - God is love and love is unlimiting and unlimited and so good. While God's answer never causes pain, turmoil, and suffering, quite often all these things happen and we blame God. Most of the time they happen because God's answer - is most usually not what we expect and easily misunderstood.

 

As far as if we ever know the answer before the question, well yes, quite often we do know what the answer is. Sometimes that is why we are so upset when the answer finally is so obvious that we have no choice but to accept. Often we know the answer because of the unspoken question. Sometimes the unspoken part of the question is the problem. Sometimes speaking it brings more pain than we are ready for, so we leave it unspoken and suffer the less painful answer.

 

I think you and I have created something of our own. What I think that thing is cannot exactly be pinpointed. The closest I can come to verbalizing it is, anxiety. God who created everything created man's mind to be free. In man's free mind, out of man's free will, came anxiety. I think man had such difficulty living in the acceptance of love, that anxiety, turmoil, and pain became part of his being. It is now that man is seeking God that these aren't acceptable.

 

Can you or I do anything by our self ever? Given free will it would seem so, it seems probable. Then just what is it we could do that would be from us solely. There the rub is, because you see everything is of God. The only thing we can do by our self is to make the choice, even then we are helped in making that choice. God gives us grace, which is strength, to aid us. The evil one feeds our needs to help us wrongly choose, but God and the evil one are not the same.

 

You see God dwells within each of us all the time. God is there even when we choose poorly, wrongly. If we but seek God's help and open ourselves to God, God's answers to our pleas will become evident, believe it or not our choice will become clear. The important thing here is to choose to listen and accept. To listen and accept the wisdom of the loving Lord creator God.

 

Ultimately all things pertaining to man are of and from God.

 

Man is God's earthly explosion of love. God's chosen. God himself dwells in his fullness in all humanity always; there is no person that God does not dwell within. Man lives on the brink of choosing to be one with God. A tremendous explosion of love is when man unites with God. Tremendous pain, suffering, darkness is man aside from God. God accepts man as man is and that is imperfect, struggling.  God knows that man always has the ability to choose God. That is why God gave man free will, it's never too late for man, to choose to listen, love and accept Gods eternally powerful love. Amen.

 

March 12, 1988

 

A lady called and set up an appointment with me for me to do her income taxes. What I found gave me great food for thought.

 

I have been complaining a lot recently that my life was hard, difficult, and I was feeling a failure. The reality of my situation is I have a wife who has loved me for twenty three years. I have been given three daughters who likewise love me. I have many talents, so many sometimes I misuse some of them.

 

Most important of all, my God has remained my lover and even though I complain too much, my God has not deserted me. I too have been faithful to my God, and most of the time I have been faithful to my God's love for me.

 

My life, though difficult is not so bad. There are wonderful moments. There would be more if I could allow myself to accept them when they happen.

 

This family had two sons living at home. One son was severely retarded. This son was very handicapped and would be all his earthly life. The father of this family worked on a boat as a fishing man, much like Peter the follower of Jesus our God. He recently had an accident. He was hit by a huge fishing hook and suffered a severe blow to his head. His doctor told him he has a blood clot in his head and should not continue to work. This man had no hospitalization, no health insurance and seems to have had no workman's compensation, he continues to work.

 

His wife handles their money affairs. She is a woman who got married at thirteen. She has limited, very limited education. This is a Hispanic family. She did not know how to budget their money. They owe the internal revenue service about $48,500 in back taxes for 1981, 1982, 1983, and 1984.

 

They have not filed their income tax return for 1985, 1986, and 1987. They will probably owe $15,000 to $25,000 for those three years.

 

They have $2,000 to their name. They also own a small lot in Texas worth about $6,500. The IRS has attached this lot.

 

I told these people I would prepare their tax returns and try to help them. I am charging them for my service and that is bothering me. I know I need the money and I know that because they mean something to me, because I love them, I will do my best for them. Not too many other people would even consider taking them on.

 

I got the name of a good lawyer from my pastor for them. Maybe that will help. It would seem they have a good case against the boat owner that the father was employed on when he was hit by the hook.

 

I know someone always has it worse than you.

 

I wish there was more I could do. I pray to you Father God, please help me do them a good service and not let me be unjust in my charges. Help these people my Lord. They are your children and their brothers and sisters in Christ would seem to be stepping on them.

 

I love you Lord God and I thank you for all you have given me.

March 13, 1988

 

Dreams are wonderful things that can lift you far from reality. So often recently I have felt that I might have lost my gift. This gift which I feared lost was the gift to be able to dream. Today I dreamed many wonderful dreams and my spirit was lifted. Reality comes crashing in no matter how much I dream to escape. I don't think I really always dream to escape reality. I know sometimes I dream just to feel good about who I am, sometimes it is good not to have to deal with yourself. After all there are so many who deal with you in reality, sometimes it is necessary to dream about who you'd like to be.

 

If you never consider who you'd like to be, you might never risk, what it is you might never risk is change. Without change - a person becomes stale and stagnated, swallowed by who you've become. Sometimes who you've become is far from who you want to be. I do not live in a dream world. I live in reality with people.

 

Dreams help me to live in the real world as a real person. A real person is not afraid to dream and then to try to live. A real person doesn't dream to live but lives with dreams. It pleases me I can still dream because dreams remind me that I am a real person with hopes, fears, and talents. Dreams remind me I am a young person not afraid of new ideas. Dreams inspire me to believe in myself and my future, and I know I have a future. Recently I have not been so sure. My dream today helped life seep back into my being. My dream today helped lift me from the doldrums of depression. I am reminded that all dreams, all hope, all good, comes from the one who was the first and the greatest of dreamers. That who I am speaking of is my Lord God, my loving creator, and I am grateful for these dreams Lord God.

 

 

 

March 14, 1988

 

Patience is truly a great gift.

 

It is not a gift I enjoy or have much of.

 

Today my ten year old daughter first asked her mother for help. My wife is blessed with tons of patience.

 

In about ten minutes my wife was yelling at our daughter. Now, being the sort of laid back dad I am, I interfered, calm down I said to my wife, be patient and understanding, my wife uttered a few choice words my direction.

 

Later I took everyone out to a movie to calm things down, when we returned, being the all knowing father, I decided that I would patiently help my daughter with the problem, barely fifteen minutes had passed before I wadded her paper into a small but compact wad and threw it away at the same time I, with a slightly raised voice, let my daughter know in no uncertain terms, she could take a zero or find a way to do it by herself.

 

I would think you'd be wondering what kind of homework she had, please control yourself and try not to laugh too very hard, the thing that was giving us so much trouble, simple fractions. That's not really what was causing the problem.

 

The problem was we were not getting down to her level, we were trying to make our daughter do it our way.

 

Of course, our daughter, being our daughter had her own way, after we finished yelling of course we figured this out.

 

My wife and I sat down with our daughter and in thirty minutes - well you know, it went rather well, all done, no problems, no yelling, no screaming and temper tantrums, just love. At the end our daughter said thank you and my wife and I we kissed her and said thank you for being patient with us.

 

 

March 15, 1988

 

Growth was the subject of the life in the Spirit seminar tonight.

 

Growth, kind of scary to grow sometimes, scary not to grow. 

Does growing frighten you?

Are you afraid to grow?

 

Well I don't know if I have any answers, no more than you. Sometimes I think people mistake change for growing. A lot of times people change because of many things, not the least is they do not seem to have any choice. Believe me, when faced with no choice, people change.

 

Change is not the same thing as growing, not at all. Growing is what happens to you when you open yourself. In that openness to whatever, especially being open to God. It is in that sense that growth can and often does happen. Growing does not always mean putting aside any certain thing. Growing means a willingness to accept a new understanding. Sometimes that understanding is painful and hard to accept.

 

Usually a good sign that you have been somewhat closed minded is the amount of pain, turmoil, and anger this new understanding seems to be causing you. The more pain the more closed you have been. The more pain maybe the more closed minded you might still be. It is not easy to admit to yourself that you are closed minded. In fact it may be the single hardest thing you do, and it also maybe the single most important.

 

Until you experience growth you will never know if you are like that, wisdom has been described as the breath of God.

 

Would say wisdom is God breathing on and in you?

 

Wisdom comes about through your choice to grow. Wisdom enhances growth and gives you the strength to grow. Wisdom is the Holy Spirit alive and working within you. Growth in the Lord God is the Holy Spirit in you. I love you Lord God and I ask you to help me grow. Amen!

 

 

March 16, 1988

 

A few days ago I wrote about preparing the income tax return for a Hispanic fishing family. This family had one handicapped child and a father that had been injured. They also owed about $40,000 in income taxes for the years 1981-1984.

 

I finished their 1985, 1986, and 87 income tax returns today. They owed another $9,000 plus.

 

Everyone talks about the heartless IRS. I am as guilty as the next in this matter.

 

Today I settled over the telephone with the IRS lady agent in charge of their case. The IRS will "forgive", set "aside", the complete taxes due in return for the one small piece of property owned by this family. This piece of property is worth about $6,500. That amount would not come close to covering their current taxes of $9,000 for the last three years much less the $40,000 in even further back taxes.

 

The IRS is also requiring this family to just get current, meaning pay their 1988 taxes on time and stay current.

 

I think it is a miracle.

 

Some might say it is the logical thing for the IRS to do. I think it is a wonderful miracle.

 

Thank you God!

 

 

March 17, 1988

 

Wisdom

 

Wisdom is the breath of God in each of us.

Wisdom is not only knowing what is right but doing it.

Wisdom is being who you are called to be.

Wisdom is loving unconditionally and forever.

Wisdom is accepting God's forever love for you.

Wisdom is reaching out from yourself to another in love.

Wisdom is being forever patient when you are ready to scream.

Wisdom is knowing when to listen and when to speak out.

Wisdom is listening when you would rather be speaking.

Wisdom is listening when you know more than the speaker.

Wisdom is being unafraid to say something is wrong.

Wisdom is being unafraid to face what is wrong.

Wisdom is being able to change when you are so afraid to change.

Wisdom is being able to allow someone else to change.

Wisdom is being able to accept someone else is changing.

Wisdom is standing up for what is right and good.

Wisdom is being strong enough not to lie for any reason.

Wisdom is knowing and relying on the strength of God.

Wisdom is knowing when to give it over to the Lord God

Wisdom is allowing yourself to venture where you are afraid to go.

Wisdom is knowing whether to stay there or to leave.

Wisdom always gives the other person a chance.

Wisdom never considers if a person deserves a chance.

Wisdom is not forcing yourself on the one you love.

Wisdom is giving yourself freely to the one you love.

Wisdom is knowing what is important to you and what isn't.

Wisdom worships only the loving Lord Creator God.

Wisdom does not desire anything from the earth.

Wisdom only desires that which is of and about God.

Wisdom understands what it takes to live on the earth.

Wisdom works for her daily bread and is easily satisfied.

Wisdom depends on the love of her creator for sustenance.

Wisdom is unconditional love.

Wisdom is the unconditional love of God for God's people.

Wisdom is Jesus forever living among his people,

Wisdom is the breath and being of God lives in God's people.

Wisdom is indeed that which inspires people to be.

Wisdom is the fire that causes men to seek God.

Wisdom is the: spirit that inspires man to be better.

Wisdom is the means by which man can rise above himself.

Wisdom is to be sought by man fervently and lovingly.

Wisdom is the Holy Spirit one in and with the Lord God!

 

I pray for wisdom. I seek wisdom.

Lord God please allow me to be open to your spirit, please fill me with wisdom!

 

March 18, 1988

 

I had my eyes examined this afternoon it was a quite thorough examination. After the doctor had put some drops of fluid in my eyes to dilate them I began to get nervous. The doctor explained to me that he was concerned that I might be developing glaucoma. Just hearing that I was terrifying. I have always worn glasses at least since I was about ten.

 

Have never forgotten my first pair of glasses. Mom and Dad took us to the drive in and the movie was in glorious color. In the middle 1950's, a color-movie was still a big deal. What I remember the most was seeing things in a bright new clear world. I remember taking my glasses off and looking at the movie and seeing two blurred images quickly putting my glasses back on and marveling at how clear and bright and beautiful everything was. Tried to explain to my family what I was feeling but they could not understand. It wasn't that they did not want to understand, I don't think anyone could have understood. I have never forgotten.

 

Since that time I have always more than valued my sight. I have had regular checkups almost every year. God blessed me with something called astigmatism. I have pear shaped eyes while people with normal eyesight have more round eyes. God blessed me with healthy eyes.

 

Today when I heard the doctor say I might have glaucoma, I was terrified. I did not know what to do or say except, God please help me.

 

As I waited for my eyes to become fully dilated with my ten year old daughter who has a serious hearing problem, I told her that I was scared and I was glad she was there. She was glad she was with dad too. She told me not to worry because I did not have that terrible disease. She told me it would not help to worry anyway.

 

I realized God had blessed me in immeasurable ways. God has given me riches that are so special I could never be poor or lost. My ten year old daughter is one of those riches. My ten year old daughter worried as she told me later, loved me so much and comforted me in just the right way. What a gift! What a gift of love from my God to me.

 

I do not have glaucoma. The pressure on the optic nerve for most people is between 12 and 21. Mine had measured at 22. Now I am not sure what that meant except that my doctor had felt the need for a much more thorough and complete examination. He said I am a glaucoma suspect and must have regular yearly eye examinations. He also said stress could be a factor.

 

Lord God you must know of the huge amount of stress my wife, my family and I have been under for over four years. It has gotten progressively more stressful for us.

 

Please let the stress soon be over. We are willing to do what ever it is you would ask of us. As you know, we don't know what that is. Please help us Lord God. O font of wisdom, please help us Jesus, please help us.

 

We accept your love and offer our love. Thank you for the riches you have given us. Please help us find our way according to what you would have us do. Please!

 

Thank you for not letting me have glaucoma.

 

March 19, 1988

 

God, I am mad at you and more than just a little disappointed. I need you!

 

I have been explicit in my pleas and prayers for your help. I have been as faithful as I can be. I have been and continue to be steadfast in my faith. I believe in you. I believe in your love! I believe you have a place for me where I do not have to lie, I do not have to exaggerate or pretend, a place where I can be me and I can work for you and do your will! It is true I need this to be true but so what? I still believe it to be true.

 

I have sent out resume after resume and received turn down after turn down. I simply do not have the right papers. It doesn't seem to matter what is in my heart or mind. It does not matter what I say or do or if I can do the job. The only thing that seems to matter is having the right paper. I don't have a paper.

 

I am to the point where I do not want to send out anymore resumes because I have been rejected so many times and so often.

 

Alright Lord, so you do not want me to serve you in the Catholic Church as a minister. Fine.

 

What do you want from me? What do you want me to do? How am I to make a living and provide for my family?

 

You must have a place somewhere for me doing something or you would not have created me. You do not make mistakes. I am not a mistake.

 

I have written and I believe you love is all powerful and all wonderful and always there for each person under all circumstances. I believe love and God are the same word.

 

I keep reading fear the Lord is this my problem? Is it I do not fear you Lord? Well I'm getting there.

 

I love you! I do not fear you. I fear doing the impossible that is doing anything that would cause you not to love me. I have written and I believe it is impossible to do anything that would cause you not to love me.

 

So here I am. Even if you turn away from me Lord. Even if that is what you seem to do. I will not turn away from you my God. I continue my belief in you oh loving Lord Creator God. You are all I have to hope in and you are enough.

 

It is just I keep begging you for something, anything , Lord just give me a chance.

 

I know so painfully well I am not qualified to do anything I am aware of my total ignorance. I beg you God to remember your own words. You said I am precious to you and you would do anything for me. I beg you God to remember that you, Lord, told me I was to give your people a drink of water. I beg you Father God. Remember you sent an angel to me to tell me I was much loved by you.

 

Am ready willing and able. Please Lord let me fulfill what you want of me.

 

I remember and I believe. Please lift me up and show me the way. It does not matter what I dream or have dreamed. Anything. My self worth is not important to anyone but me. I will do anything you ask, just hear my prayer.

You are my God and I am your people. I love you!

 

Today is the feast of St. Joseph your earthly father. I have special feelings of great love and admiration Joseph. When you called on him, I wonder if he was as ready to assume the responsibility of your son as readily as we are told. Ready or not, he did take them on. He must have needed enormous strength and will. He must have been very strong in his faith and very faithful to you our God. I am faithful too. I am no where near as strong as he was, nor am even close to being as talented. I thank you my God for Joseph and I thank you Joseph for what you did. I love you Joseph. I suspect you, Joseph, can very easily understand my problem tonight. Please try to intercede with our Father for me. I mean no disrespect and I sure don't want God to be angry at me.

 

Please let me feel you ever present love, Lord God. O wisdom please come to me and dwell with me. Inspire me and lift me.

 

God I know you can hear me and I just know you are listening. I just know it. Is it not time Father to give me a great and good and glorious answer?

 

I want so bad to find a way to do something to make a respectable and honest living for my family so I can attend to their earthly needs. I want to do your will at the same time. Is that so wrong, if it isn't, then Lord, I expect you to help me. Please, please, please.

 

 

 

March 20, 1988

 

Dear God,

Well, here I am, Lord. I have come face to face with what believe. I finally understand a little better just what am afraid of. It is difficult to face your inner most fears head on.

O God, fear of the Lord. I think I have a little more understanding of what it is. It is not being afraid of you, O God.

Fear of the Lord. I am so afraid that if I lie or exaggerate who I am to get any kind of a job, I will be turning away from you. I am afraid of doing anything that will cause me to turn away from you O God. The end never justifies the means.

I used to do what ever it took to get any job. That became my way of life; doing what I saw as necessary to survive, whatever it was. I still want and need to survive.

If it means doing anything that takes me away from you I can't and I will not do it.

I know now what that means. I am afraid, afraid not only for myself, but for my wife and daughter. This fear is real but even in this fear which is hurting me so, I know now, I will not, I can not, do anything that will cause me to turn away from you O God.

So here I am God - I asked for you 0 Wisdom and it seems you came.

The strange thing is and I seem to be saying this more and more often, glad you came. I am just aware of more. I am aware of so much more, I started to say I almost wish I was more ignorant of you. That is not true of course. I can't even tolerate a small untruth in myself.

 

All right here I am. Got no one but you, Lord. Thank you for the insight.

One more time. Fear of the Lord is being aware of doing anything that would cause you to turn away from God and God is love. More than being aware of this, it is not doing it. No matter the pressure.

That is where I am at. I know what it really seems I must do in order to get a job in God's church and by doing this thing I would be turning away from God. I can not do it because I am afraid to turn away from God even when doing one wrong thing would allow me to do many good things in God's name. This is my fear of God. It is not a fear that God will turn away from me if I do this thing. That is not possible. God never ever turns away from anyone. It is the real and present fear I will turn away from God by doing this thing. I can not allow myself to turn away from my God no matter what. I will not. God will see my determination and come to my rescue. Even if God chooses not to rescue me, I will not turn away from God. I wish I could say I would not question God in these matters but I think God understands my questions.

 

 

March 21, 1988

 

Dear God,

 

I wanted you to know I am still committed to what I wrote yesterday. I had a tough day today. I was angry about not having a job most of the day. In particular I was angry at you, my God for not helping me.

 

Of course I have hot given you time to help me and if you did help me today I was too mad to notice.

 

In spite of all my anger, the day went rather well.

 

I am afraid of failing and I just can not tolerate any more failure at this time in my life.

 

I love you and I do not regret in any way my choice. I pray you will give me the strength I need to live up to it.

 

Thank you for being my God,

 

John

 

 

 

March 22, 1988

 

One night a man went to sleep, his eyes closed and weary he rested. He was so tired his body did not feel. Soon he was deep into the world of sleep.

 

The world he entered this night was dark,

This man had no preconceived plans for his rest. In fact he simply wanted to allow his tired being to slip away from the reality of the past day.

 

The world he quickly entered was as troubled, it seemed, as the world of his reality, his day. In fact the darkness of his dreams became so real, there was no doubt he had become an active participant.

 

Numbers by the line and each number vivid and real, and then a face of evil and it was real and more stress. This man knew at once who the face belonged to. Once again this man had come face to face with the devil.

 

This was not a new happening but the man was tired. Indeed it seemed to him his being was beyond exhaustion. Even in his indefatigable exhaustion this man knew what to do, without hesitation Jesus, Jesus come and protect me.

 

Jesus did not seem to hear, Jesus did not seem to come. The devil's grip became even more real, ever more firm, daytime and nighttime had become one time for this tired man. He called even more loud for his God to come save him. When hope seemed not possible and utter despair about to set in, this man reached for some deep inner strength deep within. He faced the devil and told the evil one God loved it. From that moment on, time became blurred with restless sleep.

 

His next recollection was a real dream facing another fear. You see his dreams were no longer a place of rest and hope, his dreams had become his fears of the reality he lived in. His strength lost in the day was being taken away even in sleep.

 

This man questioned these things and wanted to know why his God was a God of unlimited and unlimiting love. He did not know a God that would allow this to happen. This man refused to give up his complete belief in a loving God.

 

Will his loving God rescue him from the arms of evil?

Will his imperfect belief in a perfect loving God be enough?

Will this man be given the strength to be what his God asks?

 

I am this man and I choose to believe my answer is yes!

 

 

March 23, 1988

 

I am tired and my eyes hurt from looking at number after number of two income tax returns I did today. They were profitable but still my eyes hurt.

 

I am determined even at this late hour to write and so I begin.

 

What God taught me today is that the truth, no matter how straight forward it would seem to be is somehow almost always more complicated than it would seem at first look. I did something today in the most truthful way and it was wrong. I looked at the same thing again and saw a way to do what I was trying to do but that way while just as truthful was not nearly so straight forward.

 

This evening I learned the same lesson. A family who lived in a northern state purchased a house to be used as rental property here in Florida. They bought the house in June in Florida. They actually lived in New York through December of the same year. The rental property in Florida set empty through December . They had a large loss for income taxes for that house in Florida.  No problem.

 

In February of this year they were transferred to Florida and now live in the house they claimed as rental property for the last half of last year. They are getting a substantial refund of taxes being sent to the house in Florida that they now live in but took a deduction for as rental property last year. The house in New York they used to live in will now become rental property for them.

 

Their return is honest and true and right. It is certain to raise questions.

 

Sometimes the straightforward truth raises more questions than one would like.

 

Thank you God for this day and thank you for the income. Please Lord, give me the wisdom to do as you would have me do.

 

 

 

 

March 24, 1988

 

Dear Search Committee,

 

 

After much prayer and with the encouragement of my wife I am applying for the position of parish administrator advertised in the NCR.

 

I have no experience as a parish administrator. It is very difficult to gain such experience without someone willing to take risk on someone like myself.

 

I worked as an accountant, ass't controller, and a controller for over five years. Owned and operated successfully and unsuccessfully my own business for another thirteen years. The last three years my wife and I began a journey of full time service in the Catholic Church. I served as a home missionary in Floresville, Texas with my wife. I was the pastoral minister and co-directed the religious education Programs. My responsibilities included marriage preparation and counseling, family financial counseling and other counseling, youth, wane services and more. My wife and I then worked for a year in an inner city setting in mid state New York as co-directors of religious education. Both years though very rewarding were extremely difficult.

 

Because of what we did, what we learned and the subsequent confusion, my wife and I stopped our journey this past year. We very much needed counseling and prayer and wisdom. We prayed a great deal for d iscef0.101e19t.

 

While we enjoy at least adequate credentials in religious education, I have felt a strong calling toward parish and pastoral administration. Sometimes in the previous few years my organizational ability and computer knowledge really were not able to be used to their fullest degree

 

After this year of prayer and discernment, my wife and I are now ready to resume this journey. We know that God has called us to ministry and we like doing what God asks of us.

 

Thank you for considering met

 

John W. Flakes Jr.

14 Minna Lane #208

Merritt Island, Florida 32953

1-305-453-8584

 

 

 

March 25, 1988

 

The Lord is great and good and gave me today.

It was a good day, holy Lord God I thank you.

I think I did what you would like this day.

Most of all I think I did not knowingly lie or hurt anyone.

I think today I helped people as best I could, and I do know it was far from perfect how I know this.

You my Lord know I tried to do it right, I tried hard.

For the times I failed please Lord do not be angry.

If I wandered from where you wanted me to go this day –

Well Lord put me right back on the right pathway.

I am more than willing to do your will as your servant.

I am also very easily swayed by the ever present devil.

Love you Lord God and I thank you for being my God.

I beg you though please take firmer hold so not to let me wonder.

 

 

 

March 26, 1988

 

Praise you Lord God

 

I rode with you on the back of that little donkey,

It was the most wonderful of days and I'll not forget.

You had such a clam about you knowing what was to come.

I could not see beyond the back of your head.

All I could see was you and how everyone loved you.

 

That little donkey had such a boney back, Lord.

Perhaps that should have been a clue that all was not as seemed.

Every once in a while he'd step in a hole and we'd feel it.

Nothing could interfere with our joy this day.

There was such a feeling being loved and loving

 

Not one person complained of the heat and it was hot.

The breeze from all those palms served to cool us.

The spontaneity of each and everyone reaching and loving.

It was indeed a great and glorious day and I loved it.

I wonder how I'd have felt if I knew what you knew then.

 

There is no doubt I would not have believed it.

These same loving people standing by while you are crucified.

These same loving people shouting for you to be killed.

These same loving creations of you killing you.

Who would have believed it and what would I have done.

 

Well Lord that is another time, another thought.

Today is all I wish to dwell on for I did not know tomorrow.

Today was a great and glorious day and I loved being there seeing you love and be loved and taking part, to say thank you under the circumstance doesn't seem right.

 

 

 

March 27, 1988

 

Dear God,

 

I should know by now that you look after all your children all the time. Thank you for solving this thorny problem for me« I am very glad to have it resolved.

 

I need to say thank you for the special nice week and weekend, It was so good. I am afraid now of the tumble that seems to always follow such a high.

 

I trust in you and maybe things have begun to change for the better for me. Maybe I have tried so hard that you just took pity on me. Thank you for doing that.

 

Give me the strength I need to continue along the way you want me to go.

 

 

John

 

 

 

 

 

March 28, 1988

 

Time seems standing still yet it goes so quickly.  Nothing is happening yet the result will soon be in. Wait, wait be patient and wait while others decide. You have done all you can so now wait for your fate.

 

This is holy week and no one is concerned with me. That is as it should be this week as we remember the life, death, and new life of Jesus our redeemer. Concentrate on Jesus and worry about my future.

 

This is not how it should be or how I wish it to be.

I willingly remember the Lord who loved me enough to die for me. At the same time I am aware of needing an answer. This is the time that answer will be soon forthcoming.

 

What will that answer be, how can I be patient and wait?

Perhaps the answer is just I do not have any choice. Perhaps the choice I have is to set myself aside and remember just what I am remembering this week.

 

You see I do know what this week is all about, so I have no excuse except my self centeredness. If I can center myself oh what my Lord did for me, then no matter the answer I will be just fine!

 

 

 

 

March 29, 1988

 

What is holy week all about?

 

Why do we celebrate someone's death?

 

Why is it so important that someone rose from the dead, these ape the questions I choose to answer this night?

 

Holy week is a time we have set aside to remember. During this time we remind ourselves of our humanity. We remind ourselves of our failings and our triumphs. Holy week is all about human failings and triumphs.

 

Holy week is the time we remember what a man did for each of us. We remember that this man did not have to do this thing. We remember this man chose to do what he did. We remember this man made this choice because he loved us.

 

Holy week is the time we remember that this man was God. Holy week is the week we told our God we loved him.

 

It is the week we then turned aside in embarrassment from him. Holy week is the week we killed our God.

 

Why do we remember killing our God in such detail?

 

Would this remembering prevent us from doing it again?

 

Is this why we remember so we will not do it again?

 

I think we remember in order to remind us who we are.

 

I think we should remember our part in this week.

 

We should remember how first we pledged our unending love, then for fear of our life we did not want to know him. We went along with it even begged for, our Gods death.

 

Man is frail and weak and our backbone is made of rubber. When things are good everything is wonderful. When things turn sour, we hide in fear of being found. Had our God not risen from our death, we'd always be this way.

 

The end of holy week brings man to his real rebirth by overcoming death. Our God gave hope and strength to mankind. His rising from the dead says clearly we can overcome. No matter how dark the night, the light of day will come.

 

There is always light after dark. Sometimes it doesn't seem so. When Jesus rose from the dead, he gave hope to his people. From the darkest possible night of death came the brightest light. Jesus is the light that came from this so very dark night.

 

 

Hope based on reality, the impossible become possible.

Man pledging total support, pledging unending love.

Man for love of self turning away from this pledge.

Man for fear of life killing that which had created man.

 

This is indeed the darkest of all nights for man.

Yet in this blackest of nights came the brightest of lights.

Man not only forgiven but man seeing and believing.

This light dwelled upon man and man forever becomes more than man had ever been.

 

From this week man could gain an understanding of who and why man was first created.

How unending God the Creator's love for man is.

How fickle man's love can be.

 

Holy week is this and so much more.

It is the time God physically gave us himself in the Eucharist.

It is the time God showed us just how human he, Jesus, was.

It is the most sacred of times for me and I hope for you.