July 1, 1988

 

Today is the 183rd day or the exact half way point in this year. It is an important day for me because I have written now every day for one half of a year. I really want to make it all the way, the whole year. I have a book, Lord. the one we've talked about to do this year. I hope it is your will for me to have it finished by your birthday.

 

Jamie and I played together today basketball and I don't know which of us enjoyed it more, me or her. It was a gift from you and I thank you, Jesus for it.

 

Praise you O God for looking after your children.

Praise you O God for being your children's God.

Praise you O God for being the whole and all of love.

Praise you O God just because I feel like worshiping you.

Praise you O God because you have not abandoned me.

Praise you O God because you are the creator.

Praise you O God because I am glad you created me.

Praise you God because I am glad you are my loving Lord God!

 

 

 

July 2, 1988

 

Well, what a week I don't know how did. At times am sure I did the best I could. Then a think I went too fast. Then I think that what I did this week was dictated in part by the circumstance of Father Ed being gone next week.

 

Father Ed Schlitter seems to be upfront and honest. He also seems to jump at the smallest of things, not unlike unfortunately me.

 

I spent more time with him talking in-depth than with all the previous pastors I have tried to serve. That has to count for something.

 

Most of the time I think I can do what he wants me to do. There has not been a day yet I have not doubted my ability or my ability to survive. I almost expect to fail or at least be rejected. I know that is wrong.

 

Where is my faith and trust in God?

 

God did not bring me this far to abandon me. Of that, I am more positive of than any other thing in my life. I am my God's arms and he will not turn me loose. I am so scared of failing. As scared as I am, I will not doubt my God, my faith is strong. My prayer remains unchanged---Lord, please do not turn me loose, hold on to me, and do with me whatever you want.  I am your servant.

 

It is in my faith I know my salvation lies.

 

I have this book to write and I want to write it just right. Lord God let me be your pencil.

 

Today is my Nikki's 20th birthday. We called her and talked with her for a while. She sounded ok> Because of her hearing, because of the fact she was probably coming from a shower, she at first did not recognize her mother's voice. No matter why, Linda is little down. Lift her up and let this child's birthday become Linda's happiness.

 

Take care of our Nikki, let her know of your love.

 

I think, Lord, Linda and I are now aware that we did not create Nikki. She is your creation as is all things, especially our daughters. We were just your tools for her creation. To be allowed to be the means by which you create is the great gift. Thank you Lord for this gift. Thank you Lord for Nikki and all our daughters.

 

,

July 3, 1988

 

One moment you have a wife that you have loved for most of your life. You are partners with a human being in every way. Ways in which you had not imagined possible. Together with this person in a mysterious happening, that try as you might, you have never understood. You became father and mother of human life. Over half of your human life has been spent loving and being loved and in love with this person. You have looked forward to in love, in unreal belief; in hope, in anger, to spend the rest of your mortal life with this person. Together you have: made plans for things which seem so pointless now and which you gave so much importance to then. Now, not just this person but the lives entrusted to your care, the children the two of you became parents of, all gone. No more to be.

 

My wife, Linda and my daughters are fine at least as far as I know.

 

Here in Defiance a 16 year old girl was driving a car that included her 34 year old mother, 13 year old brother, and a neighbor child. Her car went over on the wrong side of the highway and struck, or was struck, by a very large 18 wheel truck. One moment they were alive and well, one moment dead.

 

The funeral is to be held tomorrow in our parish at 10am.

 

Anyone who is a parent knows this family. Anyone who is a husband or wife knows this family. Anyone who is a child old enough to reason knows this family.

 

There are those times in our lives when things become crystal clear and exact. This is such a time. What is crystal clear right now in my life is the importance and value of life. What is crystal clear in my life right now is the importance and value of my wife and my daughters and my family.

 

What is crystal clear in my life this moment is the awesome power of my God who alone gives life or in this seemingly tragic situation, decided to allow human life as we know it to terminate.

 

This is tragic and unfathomable because no one of us humans can begin to understand just any part of the how and why of God. This is so very tragic because of the inability of man to know. Man does not know why and not knowing why is what causes man pain. Because man has been given by God the ability to understand, man seeks to understand why. Man will never know why when the why is supplied by God.

 

There is only one thing that man can ever understand about God. It is a simple thing that is completely inundated by not knowing why at a time like this. That simple thing is even harder for man to accept because of times like this. What that thing is, is that God is totally and completely love. There is only one thing in all of everything that God cannot do. Yes, there is one thing God cannot not do. Some might think it is putting limitations onto God, it is not. It simply is understanding an unalterable fact, God can do nothing that is not love.

 

The only answer to this time is that God, and God loves all life. God would not have allowed any life if God did not want that life to be. There is no point questioning the why of this because we are not able to understand why. There is only one answer, God has the answer. These lives had completed their earthly assignment, not as we expected them to, but as God had destined for them. Now God loved them so much, God has called them to live in a more complete way with him.

 

Not very satisfactory. Should be, but it isn't.

 

This just isn't a very satisfying time.

 

 

John

 

 

July 4, 1988

 

There is only one thing that all humanity shares absolutely in common. Strangely enough it is the one thing that would allow for the survival of humanity. Humanity has set this thing aside and it does not seem to be a thing of great value to humanity as a whole. Now, there are individuals who incorporate this thing on occasion into their life. It could even be said that all humanity at some point makes use of this thing- I have never met anyone who lived all their life in whole with this free thing.

 

Arguments are made that God is the only absolute to humanity. God is and God is not. Humanity has chosen to honor many gods so that the one God has been relegated to equal status by much of humanity.

 

Breathing air is said to be absolutely necessary to all of humanity. It is and, it is not. It is because air is necessary to sustain life as we know it. It is not for without this other thing there would be no life to breathe air.

 

Life is absolute to all humanity. Ha! Humanity disposes of life so easily it would seem life is just a commodity to be bought and sold at the pleasure of mankind.

 

No, there is only one absolute to all humanity.

 

Love.

 

If God were not love, all consuming, all powerful, and all caring love, certainly God would have destroyed all life long ago. If God does not out of love create life, what need of air would there be?

 

There is one absolute for man and that absolute is love and love is the awesome name of our creator. God is love. It is only in and through the eternal love of God that humanity is.

 

Love is all things to all humanity. Love is more than. Love is forever and unconditional. Love is hope and more than realization. Love is life. Love is always reaching out> Love is never silent. Love is, and, God is perfect love.

 

 

July 5, 1988

 

One day at a time, never letting your guard down, always expecting the unexpected, seemingly unlikely, knowing that tomorrow could bring rejection once again. And yet, going on with the conviction that God is with you, doing the best each moment of each hour of each day, accepting that you are capable and doing all you can, each day swings more assurance that you're ok.

            But still;

because of where you have been and what has happened, not wanting to be caught unawares, means living in concern. It means being uncertain of everything you do, being afraid for one moment to let your guard down.

            I do not like being this way.

            I understand why I am this way.

            I am trying to change, to relax.

            It is not working, yet I have faith.

The faith I have is getting stronger each moment. The faith I have is more strong than my fears. The faith I have is my only hope and is more than faith.

            You see,

this faith is more than blind trust because it a faith that has been proven beyond doubt.

It is the knowledge that I am loved forever by Jesus. It is my only strength and it is enough. Because the love of Jesus for me is limitless and eternal.

            How I thank you God for this love.

 

 

John

 

 

July 6, 1988

 

One hundred thousand miles a minute, red lights be damned, no word for caution, full speed ahead, heading for a quick stop. Trying to understand and pace myself, yet feel like a runaway freight train. Have no choice but to slow things down. Simply impossible to do anything else. If others cannot understand this need, not my fault, not my concern. Nothing else to do, I need to set priorities even at the risk of failure. First priority can be nothing more or less than to give myself the chance to do and be. What it is I need to do and be is simple and so hard. Do and be myself the person my God created. That person lives in love for God, himself, family. That person lives in love for all mankind. That person is a really nice man who is gifted. That person is who I am and it is time to remember just that.

 

I love you my God and I am here, your son –

 

John

 

 

July 7, 1988

 

So what use is it for me to try, Lord?

Even when I know what I am doing is so wrong.

Still deliberately hurt the most important people. They will always remember when I acted like an ass. Even if they forgave me, I don't know if they really will, I will never forgive myself. I promised myself I would never act this way again.

 

What good is my promise, Lord? I am so afraid of failing; I have failed. When you become so afraid of failing - that this fear overrides who you are; well, you are me, and I am a failure.

 

I would rather not succeed at anything; Lord, than be who I was this night with my family. Where is my strength, my hope, my being? Did you turn me loose, Lord; for a second?

 

I begged you not to turn me loose, Lord; I have begged you to hold me close.

 

Please Lord, did you think I could stand on my own?

I cannot. I cannot. I need you so much.

Heal my family and let them know I love them so.

I beg you Lord Jesus, just do it for me.

I beg you, please!

 

 

July 8, 1988

 

Who am I Lord to question my worth? It is true at times the way I ac is not worthy of the most worthless of your creations, but there it is, in plain spoken truth. Your creations do not number among them a worthless one. You could not create anything that was worthless. It is not a part of the loving Lord Creator God - to create anything that is not filled with love. Where there is love there is the Lord God, in every creation dwells the Lord God. Even in me there is love and so God dwells in me.

 

So why then do I act in such a humiliatingly worthless way? I clearly know what I have done is not just wrong, and it usually is more than wrong. I also know why I do these insane things. It would seem I could then avoid doing them because – I would give my life not to do them before and again. Above all else I value the Creator's gift of my life. My wife says I have really grown and changed, the more I change the more I need to change.

 

I am not a violent anymore, no, I am worse. I verbally abuse and words never ever forever go away. My wife says I do not do this very often, in fact seldom. If I do it at all it is too much!

 

Lord I must change and I do not have the power to change. You Lord, you alone can change me.

 

Please do it now Lord. I am open to your will. I am so afraid. Yes really afraid, not of losing my job, that is what I first thought I was afraid of. That is what I have blamed this recent ugliness on, and Lord, that is a lie.

 

I am afraid of becoming a lousy Father and husband. I so do not want to fail my wife and daughters. I am afraid Lord, you will not stand firm with me. What little faith I seem to possess. How is it you still manage to stand and hold me dear Lord? I heard you, Lord, say just now to me, John, you are my friend. You are my son. O Lord, how I love you and cherish you.

 

Thank you for your love, - John

 

 

July 9, 1988

 

"I say you screwed up. You'd better go. If you stay I'll just get angrier."

 

What do you feel when you hear these words? Father Ed seemed to be waiting to say these words to me. I have been his administrative aide for only about a week. Father had not been around last week and I had been placed in the unenviable position of making decision s that I most likely should not have been making for several weeks. I even expected him to be angry about something. Everyone on the staff had warned me about his famous temper. Yet when I heard him say these words was still devastated.

 

In the first place, I know how much I agonized over every single thing I did last week. There can be no question I did a lot last week. In fact the list of accomplishments filled a couple of pages. I did this one thing though, like everyone else, it was the one thing I did not think would throw him, yet watch out for the unexpected.

 

I am so angry because he would not talk to me. He asked me to leave, saying if I stayed it would only serve to make him madder. I thought this man would talk to me. Maybe he was so angry he just could not.

 

If he is that angry, the question must come up, just what does he expect from me? I expect openness and honesty from him. I am exhausted and depressed and I do not want to feel that way.

 

Here I am Lord, hold on tight, do not let me explode at anyone especially my loved ones.

 

 

July 10, 1988

 

I have many things to be thankful for this day. My wife, two of my daughters and I attended mass together. We then went to dinner together and laughed through a silly movie. What we did was celebrate our love for each other. What we did was to allow the love of our God to come and dwell with us. It was a special time for me and for them.

 

The parish welcomed us officially after mass this morning. There were only a few people there but it was nice.

 

Each and every member of the staff, without knowledge of what took place between Father and me yesterday, came up to me and Linda and inquired as to my well being. They all knew that Father was going to lose his temper and that I might be hurt. It seems he has a history of doing what he did. The principal told me she would not let him make her cry. Another woman who has been a staff member for many yeas said he made her cry. Still another was just deeply concerned.

 

Tomorrow starts my third week with him.

I understand him because he acts like I have acted so often in the past. I have a feeling he too wants to change and is fighting so hard. I know what such a fight is like. No one has ever done more harmful or stupid things than I have. There are few sane moments of my life that I do not regret having hurt the people I most love.

 

Maybe God brought me here to find a way to help him. If so, God has his work cut out because I will need more help than Father.

 

Lord God,. I am so weak and fragile. How can I help anyone else when cannot take care of myself?

 

Please stand firm with me and hold me tight. Do not turn me loose.

 

 

 

July 11, 1988

 

Today I tried to be honest and open and to be sharing. I also tried to listen to what I was expected to do and be. I feel tired and not unfree of worry. Yet I am fine, someone reaffirmed me, someone said I'd done well. The one I most want to serve is my Lord and God. My Lord and God is Jesus Christ and, I serve him. I serve him well because he will not turn me loose. My boss asked me to list my priorities for the next two weeks. I listed what I felt he would want me to list.

 

My list of priorities for my life are very clear. First and foremost, I am a servant of the God of love. Second and singularly important, I am husband and Father. Thirdly and lastly I am a sharer of God's love. There are no other priorities for me.  I am sorry for my failures and I seek forgiveness. I am not sorry for who I am or what God has called me to be. I am a good and worthy man who understands the love of God.

 

Something that is becoming an important priority.

Something I keep hearing my God ask me to do.

Something I must not put off much longer.

Something I must soon begin is the story of my Lord and my God, Jesus, my Savior.

 

 

John

 

 

July 12, 1988

 

There was a meeting with nice people present. Each person felt they had something to contribute. Every human is worthwhile and has much to contribute. Specifically these people wanted to feel at ease. They wanted reassurance they were worthwhile. They wanted to know that what they did was appreciated. They wanted to feel needed and wanted and loved. Because each had a measure of self they were ok.

 

But I heard and saw nothing from the one in charge. The one in charge seemed to be in a world of self containment. Still these people, because they are loving caring people, made excuses and found ways in which to excuse this person. Did they make excuses for him because they love him? Did they do it because of fear for their job? I do not know the answer. I just know what I saw and felt. Somehow, my job is to become the in-between this man and them. I do not know how that is going to work.

 

For both I feel so much love, so much hope.

For both I feel so much pain, the pain of caring –

and yet, I am not at all sure what to do.

Lord, Jesus, I pray you will hold me so that –

I will be able to go and do in only one direction - yours!

 

 

 

July 13, 1988

 

O Lord God, here we go again.

I don't know if we are ready.

I don't even know if I want to be ready.

I just know we really most especially need you.

Let us speak and say and do your words, not ours.

You put words in our mouths or refuse to let our mouths open. We're your servants and we are trying to serve you. So Lord; this is the time for you to do the talking.

 

We did not mean to do or say anything wrong tonight. We love young people and we thought it would be ok. Where were you tonight when we needed you.

Did you not see the trouble we we're in?

Maybe we did not stop to listen to you.

We thought we did, we tried to, we needed you.

 

You came in the form of the young man.

Maybe he was our signal from you to hang in there.

That is the only hope we have from this night

Without that, it was an unmitigated disaster.

Take care of us and straighten this mess out.

But Lord, if we did what you wanted us to do, if tonight was part of your using of us, well, Lord, so be it.

 

Say Lord, if it was your will tonight, could you check your plans. No offense, Lord, we love you and thank you for loving us.

 

 

July 14, 1988

 

Lord, is it always going to be like this?

Is this what working in your church is always like?

"If you become teachers of the law, yes!"

 

"What I called you to do was to tell people of my love for them. You are to tell people about my heart. You are to be me to my people. From and through you will I teach my people. It will never be easy, though there will be times of respite. I will always be with you. You will never be abandoned and your family will always be provided for. You are to write my word and to give my people a drink of water. Get on with it."

 

I am afraid but I will get on with it. Please hold me close to you Lord, because I can do nothing. You alone gave the power, and if it is your will, let your power show through me. I know you are at one time, my Lord and my God; my friend, my everything.

 

Sometimes when a person tries so hard to hear and understand his God, sometimes confusion results. Confusion will not detract from the fact that person is making a super effort.

 

I do not want to be confused. I do not want confusion in my life. I just want things to go right for the first time in so long. I want to be successful. Yet I am not able to understand things the way they are. I have committed myself to be a Christian and that does not seem to be an acceptable thing. At least I should say my concept of what a Christian is does not seem to be what most people want in a Christian. Yet people, just people, seem to respond to us very well.

 

What my understanding of being a Catholic is, and what Catholic in real practice means, does not seem to fit. I have felt for so long I could not leave the church. If I left the church it would be like turning my back on God. I think I know now that was a wrong way of thinking. Is it better to stay inside an organization that has to make a space for you because there is no normal space, or would it be more intelligent to find a place where you could teach Jesus Christ and still be normally acceptable. I am not afraid of being challenged and I have been faithful to my church beyond reason. If faith is misplaced is it still faith. When does faith become pure stubbornness? Even if it is the most difficult thing in the world to do for you, what is wrong about doing that thing if it will lead to being able to be a Christian?

 

I keep coming back to Eucharist. Will bread stop becoming the body of Christ if a Catholic priest does not make it so? If it would stop then what does that say about the Catholic priest. Is a "Catholic" priest so vitally important or is the most important thing the fact that bread does become Jesus' body and blood?

 

What does it take for bread to become body of Christ really present?

I would have said it would take the present presence of Christ, combined with the believing people, and an ordained priest. I still think that is correct but not in the way I once thought it was correct. Christ must be present. Christ does not need the other two factors to be present but the other two factors, ordained priest and family of believers, is certainly vital.

 

A family of believers and a priest can not make Christ be present. Christ comes in their belief and comes often when there is no belief. Is what they believe so important? Is it their willingness to believe that is the central factor? A group of people gathered together focused on one purpose, to love and to be loved by their God is an inviting, almost irresistible, attraction for the Lord God. The Lord God does not have to come. The Lord God comes and dwells with them out of love for them. You can be assured that where love is truly present, the Lord God will be there. There is no such thing as love devoid of God's presence.

 

I used to think an ordained priest meant a Catholic, specifically a Roman Catholic Priest. It also in a way, a lesser way, perhaps, meant an Episcopalian, Eastern Orthodox, or similarly related minister. I think I now need to look at what I am coming to understand ordained as. A man or woman called by God to teach the love of Christ, who through their everyday living actions reveal their love of Christ and their love of fellow man. This person is a disciple of Christ. When this person, through either being called by a group of believers or through the intervention of the Lord God or through formal training, is called to minister to a certain group of the people of God; then this disciple of Christ has become an ordained minister. Minister and priest, two different things, I have always thought so. A priest was one who was set aside from the ordinary people of God in special somewhat holy way. There have always been priests. The thought is occurring to me that nowhere in the bible can I find where Jesus created, if you will, ordained priests. Jesus called men to follow him. Jesus called the ones who followed him disciples. I don't think priest as we know it, as I have known it, is the same thing. That is a most disturbing thought.

 

Well Lord, you can see where I am at. I do not know what to do. Will you, Lord, take control and do with me whatever you want. Please remember I am weak and so you need to be very clear. You need to be very strong in me and you need to hold me so very tight. I'm just counting on these things Lord. If I have any other choice, I do not know of it. Maybe that is why this is my choice. I hope it is my choice because I really am choosing you and you want me to make this choice. I really do love you, my Lord and my God.

 

 

John

 

 

July 15, 1988

 

Father Ed said to me "you have good people skills John."

 

Good people skills, what does that mean? Do I cater to peoples' needs in order to get them to do what I want them to do? Am I gentle, considerate, friendly, honest, dishonest with people to get them to do what I want?

 

I don't know.

 

I wish it would mean I really try to show people I love them in all I say and do. I hope it does. I hope it means with me there is no doubt about what I consider important. What I consider important is loving people.

 

I wonder if I use these same people skills with my family whom I value more than anything. I wonder if I am considerate and loving in all I do and say to my family.

 

I know I am not perfect. I know I will never be perfect. I know of my God' s love for me.

 

I hope and pray I can be better than I am now at this moment. I am trying to be a good man. A man that reflects the love of God in all he is. I don't succeed very often. Maybe for second today I did ok. I hope so.

 

 

July 16, 1988

 

Today is my precious wife's birthday. She is 41.

 

It is strange we view the worth of a person. One minute we treat someone in the most aside manner, the next moment we fall all over ourselves trying to gain influence with that same person. One moment, a mean, unkind and unthinking action is what we offer a person, in the flash of a mere instant we cannot envision life without that person. What is a person really worth? Does a person's worth depend on yours or my awareness in that moment? Sometimes it must seem as though it does. I can state absolutely our opinion and actions have absolutely nothing to do with another human's worth. Because we are human; our opinion and actions show love and bring pain, often at the same- time, to other humans. You or I cannot add to or change in anyway ever any part of the worth of a human being.

 

You see, a person's worth is dependent on only one thing. That single thing is the love that person's almighty creator has for him or her. This love is always and ever present and can never be affected by anyone. Even the one loved, the love of the loving Lord Creator God is always, is complete, and is limitless. If you have life of any kind, you are loved by your creator God. Therefore a person has infinite worth forever.

 

Our actions, words, and deeds reflect the value you add I give to another person's worth. There are times when our own awareness of our worth is in personal doubt. At such times we are not inclined to value the worth of anyone else. If you do not value yourself you will not value others.

 

There are times when we go out of our way to hurt people especially people we really love and care about. People whose value to us is unquestioned. The question is of course, why. I'm not sure I know. I think it is because, for whatever reason, we temporarily have misplaced our own value. I think it is because we have felt the lack of value that others have for us and in our pain, we act, say, and do without regard for our actions. If you are like me, after having such a time, the personal pain of having injured anyone, which is magnified immensely by having done this to someone of great values to yourself, is almost beyond coping with. The only way I have been able to survive such a time is through the love my God has for me. In God's limitless love for me, God helps the one I have hurt to not only forgive me, but in constant surprise to me, these people still seem to really love me. I have trouble understanding how people who love me and whom I love so much, and have hurt so deeply, could continue to love me.

 

The powerful only answer is that I am loved infinitely by a supreme being, my God, who constantly lifts me up and shares love with me in the most personal of ways, by letting those I have hurt, still love me.

 

My wife is such a person. She is constant reminder of the love of my God for me. My wife constantly loves and lifts me up. My wife always forgives me when no other human would consider forgiving. My wife is greatly loved by God and by me. Lord God, thank you for all you constantly give me. I am thankful most of all for my daughters and my parents. At this moment, however, I am most thankful in ways and words I cannot express. For the gift of love you Lord God have given me, my partner, my friend, my wife – Linda.

 

July 17, 1988

 

Last night listening to the music of Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Coat, I felt so close to my God. The words took on meaning beyond their writers' intentions and my heart soared with love for my God. That feeling carried over into this day.

 

I am tired right now and sleepy although it is early. Probably the heat has once again drained my strength.

 

There is much I want to say but I think it can be summed up in these words. Love was poured out upon me. I was not really ready and was not prepared. Love came anyway and dwelled in me. I became ready through my willingly and openly acknowledging its presence in me. In other words, if you are open to love, no matter when or where it comes, love will come and dwell within you. Go with the flow so to say open yourself to the presence of God, and live.

 

I do not know what tomorrow will bring. In a way, I do not care. You see, I am still in today.

 

Thank you Lord God for this moment.

 

 

John

 

 

 

July 18, 1988

 

What doe the word Christian mean?

Doe sit mean that I alone know the truth?

Could it possibly mean that on one else knows the truth?

Does the word Christian mean truth?

Is there more than one truth?

Does it mean Roman Catholic, Baptist, Assembly of God?

Surely it would seem to mean that if you don't believe as I do, you are wrong.

You believe something different so must not be Christian. No way you and I can both be Christians at the same time. That's it! I figured it out. Christian mean different. I also must mean wrong, different and wrong. 

 

Has Christian really come to mean different and wrong?

 

What does the word mean?

 

Christ…what and who was Christ anyway?

The man who was always God and yet became man. The God man who lived his life loving God's people. The God man who brought only one simple message. And what was that message? Love God and love each other. A Christian I always thought was a human being who believed that Christ was God, become man.  A Christian I always thought was a human being who knew, believed, and tried to live as Christ taught.  Christ taught us to love God and to love each other.

 

The word Christian means of, from, and about Christ. A Christian, I always thought, was a human being who through his or her actions, lived a life according to the teachings of Christ.

 

I think either I do not know what Christian means or there are not many Christians in the world I live in.

 

In my world, people who call themselves Christians refuse to love one another. In my world people will call themselves Christians in attempt to convert or change other different Christians to the way they believe. If not by peaceful manner then by violence.

 

In the world it is much more difficult to live as a follower of Christ than to call yourself a Christian and follow any which way that suits your individual need. In my world it is important to be known as a Christian, to call yourself a Christian, and to be seen as a Christian. It just is not important to live as a Christian.

 

I think this is because very few people in this world have ever stopped to get to know just who Christ is.

 

I live in a sad and frustrated, an angry and unhappy world that must soon come to grips with the word Christian.

 

 

July 19, 1988

 

In a few moments a black man born out of wedlock in South Carolina will speak to the Democratic Convention in of all places, Georgia. Jesse Jackson is that man.

 

A short four years ago, yet in my life, a lifetime ago, I was a white delegate at the State Democratic Convention for Jesse Jackson.

 

All men, all humanity, all life is equal in every way in the eyes of God. It has not been so in the eyes of man.

 

Who am I to value life over life if my maker and creator values me the same as all other life?

 

As I have often said, no life can be without the presence of God. Where there is life, there is God. Where there is God there is love.

 

Jesse Jackson is the hope of equality of all Americans tonight. He is not all right. He is not perfect in any manner shape or form, but he is a real sign of hope for us all.

 

I have just finished listening to him speak-. He said when his name is put nomination, our name, yours and mine, are put into nomination. He said he understands. I think he does.

 

Common ground is what we seek. Common ground is more than mutual respect. Common ground is love. The little common ground we share tonight is a direct result of some of us beginning to allow God's love to come forth in our being.

 

I thought he gave a magnificent speech of hope, he spoke as a peacemaker, he spoke of common ground, he spoke as he said for all of us who have believed.

 

The Apostle Paul said it was not enough to live by the law. The Apostle Paul wrote what was necessary was that we should believe. I hope Jesse believes. I think he does. I hope I believe. I think I do.

 

I love you Lord God.

 

 

John

 

 

July 20, 1988

 

O Lord my God, where you are is life.

O Lord my God, where life is you are.

O Lord my God, where you are there is love.

O Lord my God, love is in every life for that is where you are.

 

 

Today Gigi, our oldest daughter, told us she is pregnant. She is engaged to be married to a fine young man and in trying to abstain from sex, it seems a new life has come. The have decided to marry at once and to have their marriage ratified by their church as soon as practical.

 

O Lord my God, I am so thrilled at the gift of new life you have given us through my daughter and Tim.

 

I asked you Lord to bless them now as they begin their journey. It will be a journey filled with highs and low lows. So much of their life is about to change in a permanent way. The changes they will have to face will be enormous. Without you they will not survive! I know you will be there. I ask you as a wedding gift to them to give them the strength they will need to call and lean and depend on you, their God and my God. I ask this as a favor to me.

 

After all I have written about life and you and love, well God, you know just how wonderful and excited and happy I am about the possibility of new life coming into the world. Thank you for such a great and wonderful gift. Linda and I are more than a little sad at missing their wedding. We want to be there so very badly, yet it seems you need us to be as loving as we can and as understanding as we can. We are really trying. Please help Gigi and Tim have a most wonderful and special day.

 

I love you God.. Please stand firm with me. Hold Linda and me close and tight especially so for the next few days.

 

 

John

 

 

July 21, 1988

 

A new day is upon us. There is hope in all things new and I am trying to feel that hope this day. I am looking forward to serving my God and being a good husband, father, and man,

 

Newness is special. It is a freshness that is the healthy renewal of man. Man's spirit needs healthiness. It is fitting that anything new, fresh, and alive originates from the loving Lord Creator God. Nothing that is old: comes from God. If it is new and fresh, and it is alive and filled with the hope of tomorrow, it is of, from, and by God. God knows man needs constant renewal and provides for that need in the person of Jesus. Jesus is man's hope.

 

You and I cannot choose to be renewed. You and I have no way to renew our spirit. The choice that is ours is the choice to allow ourselves to be renewed. If we are not willing to be renewed to be reborn, to begin all over, it will not happen. God has provided us with the means but we must choose to accept the means.

 

Jesus is the means. Jesus renews each of us and refreshes each of us in specific and the most personal of ways. There is no one way for all of us except to say that in Jesus we all can find the way. It is just that in Jesus the way we find may not be the way that anyone else finds. This sometimes can be the most difficult thing. Our way of being renewed is not the way we think it will be or even an acceptable way to someone else. When anything is not absolutely our way or acceptable to others we find ourselves resisting renewal. Renewal is absolutely necessary in an ongoing and constant manner for all humanity. Humanity is constantly overwhelmed with the death of normal everyday living. Humanity is constantly faced with the superior power of the Evil One who constantly is working in the most subtle of ways to control and thus possess us. Humanity must be constantly refreshed and renewed.

 

Most insidious infliction the Evil One has succeeded in placing on mankind is lack of awareness. If humanity was aware of the things humanity, under the powerful influence of the Evil One, is doing, humanity would in the instantaneous flash of a millisecond of awareness eternally reject the Evil One. In that one incredible moment of awareness, humanity would cry out as one for the Lord God and humanity would, through the unlimited love of its God, be renewed and refreshed.

 

I pray with all my being for such an instant.

 

Awareness. I cannot believe if we were aware we would act as we do.

 

I do believe humanity has to choose to be aware! The Evil One has made it so easy for humanity that humanity has unknowingly chosen to be unaware of its actions. Unawareness does not in anyway excuse humanity.

 

Humanity must choose to be aware! Humanity must choose to be refreshed and renewed. Freshness, renewal, hope all around us. The love of the Lord Jesus, all around us.

 

Today I choose to be renewed and I choose to be refreshed and I choose to be aware I am loved by Jesus my God and my God's gift to me.

July 22, 1988

 

Once upon a time there was a man who lived in fear. He lived in fear of failing, himself, his wife, his family. He lived in fear of failing at his job. He lived in fear of losing his job and not being able to get one. The single most over-riding fear he lived in that could not ever happen, he feared we would do something that would cause his God, the God of unlimited love to stop loving him.

The worse part of living in such fear was this man had the knowledge to set such fears aside. This man knew that such fear was unfounded. This man knew that his God would love him no matter and forever, and so one day this man decided he could no longer live in fear. Oh yes he still understood all the sad and unjust things. Things, that had happened to him could still happen yet again. He just decided that he could no longer live in fear.

 

This man came face to face with himself and a great battle ensued. He called with all his human being on the unlimited love of his God. He spoke plain words to his God and his God heard. He said come Lord Jesus and rescue me. Stand firm with me. He begged his Lord to grab him and hold him tight. And he knew his God was listening and would not turn him loose.

 

Today this man lives in faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Today this man has daily knowledge of unjust and evil things. Today, and tomorrow, this man will have the strength to live free - because this man had the strength to call for help from his God. Most absolutely because his loving Lord Creator God heard and answered.

 

Who is this man and how do I have such knowledge?

 

I am this man and I thank my God for holding me tight.

 

 

 

July 23, 1988

 

In the middle of a day one begins to wonder. The morning is over and gone and cannot be recaptured. The afternoon is here and flying away ever so quickly - soon the evening will be upon us and nighttime follows. Then before we are ready, yes morning starts the cycle once more.

 

In the middle of the day it is easy to get sleepy. Things just seem to weigh so heavily  upon your soul. Your body begins to feel old and weary and you tired. Your eyelids begin to close unexpectedly. You feel yourself fight to maintain control and yet you are asleep before you have begun to fight. The middle of the day is like that you know.

 

The middle of the day is not a time for making firm decisions. It is a time for catching up, a time for slowness. It is the time to draw a clean fresh breath of air. You heed to breathe deeply and slowly and relax. When you wake up you can start going 100 miles an hour again. The middle of the day is not that kind of time. I like the middle of the day because my body puts me in my place. I like the middle of the day because I am brought back to who I am. One nice thing about the middle of the day, it always comes and therefore must be a special gift of love from my God.

 

 

July 24, 1988

 

For the last three years, maybe 4 years, but especially the last 3 years, there have been so very many desperate times for me as a husband, father, and provider. Whenever these times happened for me, and they were all too frequent, they also happened for my wife and children in just the same pain. These times in the last years were more the norm than the exception. So many times we did not know where the money for the next meal, even where we would be living, so alone and lost and still trying. Most people I meet today have no understanding of these kinds of times and yet we were not alone. We were better off than so many. I mean better off financially and physically.

 

The most important thing we had though, was the faith that our God would take care of us. Our God did take care of us. There were so many good tines and yet we had nothing to sustain us except our faith in the love our God had for us. I know it must sound crazy to you but they were the most wonderful of three years indeed, just as they were the most horrible.

 

I find myself living in fear today that is unjustified on my part. My single biggest fear is that I will inadvertently do or say something that will cause me to lose my job before we qualify for unemployment and before we have saved some money for such an emergency.

 

I cannot believe I who have first hand knowledge of the love of God. I cannot believe I have so little faith. How can I justify making my family scrimp and save most of our salary? If anything I should be giving what I am saving away. There are so many of my brothers and sisters living in the dread fear of not having. They haven't had for so long they have given up. They gave up without even knowing of Jesus and his infinite love for them.

 

Lord God I refuse to live in fear. Lord God I am so torn. A part of me says have to be prepared and another part of me says why didn't your God protect you and take care of you when you had such great need? I know of my God's love firsthand and I still do not have enough faith.

 

"John you're doing what I want you to be doing.. Keep it up. This is my plan, John, not yours!"

 

"Oh, by the way, John, your faith is just fine."  Jesus.

 

 

 

July 25, 1988

 

O Lord, my God, I love you.

 

Please come to me and let me know just what I should be doing. Please don't let me fail you or myself. I so want to please the people here, but Lord, I don't want to please them or anyone ever at the expense of offending or hurting or just not loving you.

 

You are my strength and my hope and my everything and I am so glad your are.

 

My daughter got married this day and I was not there. It hurt so much not be there. I hurt for her mother more than I hurt for myself. Linda had so much right to be there.

 

Be with them and let them be strong in you. Give them the help they need please Lord. Be my wedding gift to them. You are the finest of all gifts and I just know they'll need you. Smooth over the problems with Tim's parents and help them by letting them know they are loved both by their family and, most of all, their God.

 

Linda and I have hurt so much these last few years and I hurt her so many times and ways in the previous years. Somehow because of your love for me, there is happiness, great success, and the fulfillment of dreams still ahead for us. I thank you for that knowledge.

 

Hey God, it's ok. I'm really fine and you're ok too. I guess even you, my God like to know you are ok too once in a while. Well God, you are doing a pretty good job. Hang in there and don't forget please do not turn me loose. I love you and I know you love me. Thanks.

 

 

John

 

 

July 26, 1988

 

I am not in touch with my feelings, perhaps I am too in touch with my feelings. I am so angry without knowing why and yet I know exactly why. I am angry.

 

I think I demand way too much of myself. I think I expect me to be able to do anything and to cope with all situations.

 

I think I have unrealistic expectations of me and when I fail to live of to my expectations, I get tired and depressed. The only problem is I know better.

 

I am in such a hurry and yet I cannot make myself work on what is most important to me. The one thing that if I did it enough, and often enough, might provide me means for me to be who I think God has called me to be is writing and because I have not had immediate success, I am reluctant to keep writing. I have started a project now that I know is much b than the one I finished last.

 

I must keep on trying and I must have more patience with me.

 

There are only so many hours in a day and I am working too hard and too many hours doing something that, although I might be good at, I do not want to be doing. I am a minister, not a bookkeeper. People are what is important to me not managing an office.

 

I belong to my God and not the Evil Ruler of my world. I belong to Christ Jesus and not to anything else. I will not give in to the devil and I will serve my Lord God. I will.

 

Stand with me Jesus and hold me.

 

 

July 27, 1988

 

At first I thought I talked too much and, maybe I do.

At first thought I was too open with too many people, and, maybe I am.

At first thought I was too sensitive to my pain, my hurt, and, I am sure I am.

At first thought I was too sensitive to the pain of others, and, I probably am.

 

On second thought I do talk too much.

I am way too open with way too many.

I feel my pain way too much and certainly too long.

It is true I feel deeply the pain of others.

            Yet, I am compelled to say;

thank you God for giving me the gift of being unafraid to talk with your people. Thank you God for allowing the gift of being able to share me with others. Thank you God for allowing me to feel my pain, and most of all, I thank you my God for giving me the gift of being open to others' pain.

 

I believe it is through these gifts that I have grown.

It is through these gifts I will continue to grow.

It is a result of my growth that I am who I am this day.

And who I am?

Is a man who, through the gifts God has given him, is an open, trusting, and loving man who is unafraid to share his God with his God's people.

 

 

July 28, 1988

 

Praise you O Lord God of all!

 

I am the Lord God and you are my people!

I have called you by name to be mine!

I do not like being rejected!

I love you even when I have been rejected.

I want you to choose to love me.

 

John, you have chosen to love me. Your faith sometimes needs a little work, but I know you love me. You have reached the point in your life where you could not choose not to love me. You have worked very hard to get here, and your God has watched you grow. This does not mean you will not fall or stumble. You will do both and unfortunately often. I just wanted you to know I, your God, know you really love me and your love is a permanently a part of you.

 

O Lord my God, I hear and I thank you.

 

Please Lord, do not turn me loose. Continue to hold me close and maybe I can find the way through you not to fall or stumble so very often.

 

 

 

July 29, 1988

 

I find it increasingly difficult to justify the law, and I mean any law. The reason is that all law can be summarized within the two great commandments that Jesus came to teach us.

 

Love the Lord God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. Actually those two laws should be summarized in one single all powerful word. The "word" is "love."

 

The "word" to say "love" is "God."

 

If it is of, by, from, and for God it is love. If it is of, from, by, and for love it is God.

 

The only law is love. The only law is God, and the only word is love which is God. There is in reality no other law.

 

Man creates law so as to have something to fail at. God imposes no law upon man. Man imposes law upon man and justifies it by saying without law there would be disorder. If that were true would not law bring order? Do you see any semblance of order about you? Do you see any semblance of law around you? Of course you do. Tons of law and even more disorder.

 

God does not want anything to do with man's image of law. God wants everything to do with man. Does man want anything to do with God?

 

Love God and each other. Just love and everything falls into place. Now remember the place it falls into may not be man's place so it will probably bring turmoil. If you love you will find your place in God.

 

 

July 30, 1988

 

We say the heart of something is the very core of that thing. The heart is often thought of as the center of being. The heart of Jesus is love. Yet it is not enough to say that the center of Jesus being is love. The heart of Jesus is love yet it is not enough to say that love is the core of Jesus' being.

 

Jesus is love. There is nothing else that can be said of our Lord. Everything of far and about Jesus is love.

 

Oh yes, I hear you saying that I am attempting to define God. I am attempting to limit God.

 

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

 

Once again it is a question of understanding what love is. It is also a question of understanding the difference between God and humanity. I don't know why it is, but I do know that God has given me the gift of understanding this difference.

 

Human love at best is conditional and therefore limiting. God love is never conditional therefore never limiting or limited.

 

The very heart of Jesus is love. The very being of Jesus is love.

 

Once again I am compelled to point out that no human can ever in any way affect or change in any manner God. God is, and what God is, is love. No human can cause any change ever under any circumstance on or to God in any way! God will love you and me forever because God's nature is unlimited and unlimiting love. When we "sin" we turn away from God, God never turns away from us.

 

Just as well when we turn to God, we try to open ourselves to the love God has for us. I say try because I do not think man can ever love unconditionally. Yes, we try, and some of us try harder than others. But even in our most successful moments, what we offer is conditional. We cannot love as God loves, we can love. We should love and we need to love. We can't love as God loves. God's love, as is God's being, is unconditional. You and x are conditional people. We depend so much and react to so little. God does not depend. God does react. God feels and accepts our love in his love for us. God feels and accepts our falling away from God in that same love. Either way, God still is and God still loves us.

 

So is it a hopeless thing for man to seek to be God like? Of course not, God dwells within all life. God dwells within each of us. There is not one breath of life that does not possess God. There is not one breath of life that does not possess love. Love is in all things created and that is because God's love created and creates all that is. There are no exceptions.

 

It is this part of God within us that is our hope. The more we try to get in touch, in tune, with this part of our being, the more we find we must change. The more we change the more difficult life becomes. The more we try to be like the God that created us, the God that dwells within us, the more difficult ours life becomes. And yet, I tell you, we have no choice if we are to know life everlasting.

 

There is only one way, only one decisive choice man can make if man is to know, love; and serve his God. That choice is not simple. That choice is to live from within, to live from the God part within, to live in love.

 

There is no human, there is no being that has life. Nothing can achieve this perfectly. The best we can do is to try. It is the trying that we are made perfect finally when we leave our human body. If we have lived a life trying to give glory to love, we have a good chance to live forever in our Lord God.

 

When I say I want to live in the heart of Jesus, I mean it. I mean I want to live in the acceptance of Jesus' love for me forever.