December 1, 1988

 

Well I am thirty one days away from fulfilling my promise, my pledge, my hope, my whatever it is, to write for one whole year. I have failed many times and in so many ways I am most afraid of failing again. I know I am to write and I am writing. There are days when what I have written is not so special, there are and have been and will be days where every word I write will be God inspired and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit will fill every letter of every word.

 

This diocese sent out a letter to all pastors asking for names of people that might be possible pastoral administrators someday in this dioceses the lay director of personnel for the diocese told me of this and suggested I have Father send in my name, mine and Linda's. I asked Father shelter about the letter tonight and he replied that he had not known me long enough to recommend me for this kind of thing. For a brief moment I thought I picked up in him the thought that if he recommended me and Linda and we were accepted he would lose us. I don't know, I am probably wrong. He is such a strange tormented man at times I just do not know him at all. There are other times when I feel very close to him. Suddenly I am sure I should not trust him as I am also angry at him.

 

My printer is on the blink and will cost about $150 to fix, so for a while I will not have a printer to work on. I will simply save this whole month until I can print it.

 

O Lord my God stand firm with me and hold me up. Let me do what ever it is you would have me do. I love you and I do trust you, my God. In fact you and Linda are probably all I have ever trusted completely.

 

I know why O Lord, you have not given me money. If I had money I would retire to a safe place where I now would not have to deal with your people. I would not have to deal with priests who live in a world that is not real. I know that dealing with, loving and nurturing your people is what I need to do. I am called by you to love your people and to tell them through words,, deeds, and my being of your love for them and of your sacred heart. I have not forgotten. I am your servant O Lord afraid, nervous, angry, sad, happy, full of energy, and yes Lord I am here „ thank you for using me. You know of my need to be nurtured also, so Lord, I just ask for the strength to go from one nurturing time to the next.

 

Here I am Lord, not perfect or pretty, more often than not falling down, seldom walking straight… but here I am.

 

I love you and I thank you for loving me.

 

 

December 2, 1988

 

Wisdom is knowing not only what to day but when to say it, wisdom is an infectious spirit that permeates people of love, wisdom is at the center of man's being,

 

For

 

Wisdom is God and God dwells within all men,

When I say men I mean not only all people,

I mean also all life that has the power to reason.

 

Jesus is a man who lived to the fullness of manhood,

Jesus is a man who was first and always God who became man,

Jesus was, is, and always will be the total epiphany of Love,

 

And

 

Jesus dwells always in every life form that has knowledge,

The son of God, equal with his father, filled with the spirit, the wisdom and love of God become flesh as man among men, Jesus!

 

Before anything at all was, or even was thought of, before the speck of dust thought by scientists -

To have been the start scientifically of everything,

 

God was

 

Filled with his own wisdom, united with Jesus, knowing all that would eventually be brought about, a being of unconditional and all powerful total love,

 

Was, is, God!

 

Today through the wisdom of knowledge given by the spirit, introduced and explained through the loving God man, Jesus, containing the fullness of the loving one who creates everything,

 

 

We have the Eucharist

 

The fullness of God in today's world for all God's people, a time when God comes pouring forth from within man, an opportunity for man to be fully one with God,

 

We have the Eucharist!

 

 

December 3, 1988

 

I am thinking about going out by myself tonight. I haven^, t been out anywhere by myself in quite a while and I am full of energy. I am fighting depression and I am angry. I am not angry at my wife or my daughter Jamie. I am not even sure why I am feeling this way. I am hesitating because I do not want to spend money we do not really have and yet I know we could afford it. I doubt if I would spend $35.

 

Within the last eleven months there have been desperate times when we did not have a job or even the prospects of one. There have been times when I did not have $35 nor did I know where I would get my next dollar from. Part of me says I should be grabbing on to and holding on to every cent I have and will have and do not have. Another part of me says don^'t stop trusting in God. Hang in there and I do not know what

The two have to do with each other and, I know very well.

 

Lord, stand firm with me and try not to turn me loose. Help me survive myself this night.

 

It does not matter what I want to do, let me do your will Lord God. Make me do your will Lord God, stand strong with me.

 

I so love and need you,

 

John

 

December 4, 1988

 

I have often waited for something good to happen, I just new that something special was going to happen, everything that I believed said, just wait, just hold on for it really is going to happen, when it did happen, I never new it happened, you see I was always looking for something else.

 

I never saw that something wonderful did happen, because what I was looking for was not that which happened, you see I was looking for a dream come true.  And my dream so often was just that, my dream. The dream that came true was my Creator's dream. All too often my dream was not my Creator's dream. My dream was the dream of my reality which was limited, God's dream is never limited and is completed only when I accept that God's love for me is unlimiting and all powerful.

 

My dream tonight is for the funds to have a permanent home for me and my family and a place of our own for me, my wife and the children of our children.

 

I dream of having the ability to support us through my writing and photography and, other personal means.

I dream of a life of seeing what is there to be seen.

I dream of a life of love of and from me for all people.

I dream of taking care of God's people here on earth.

I dream of being a chosen son of my Lord and my God.

I dream of not failing myself, my family, or my God.

 

In three short weeks will be celebrated the anniversary of the birth of the God who came to earth as man, the God of my creation who came to be as one with me, the God who was born of woman just as I was born.

 

The God who loved me so much, he allowed himself to be killed, the God who loved me so much, he overcame my sins, the God who rose gloriously from death to live forever, the God who lives forever and is present in me, the God who is present in the Eucharistic bread, in three weeks we celebrate the anniversary of the birth of the one I know and love as Jesus Christ son of God.

 

In three weeks will be celebrated the dream come true, twenty one day and I will finally know of the coming true the reality of truth of being of one of my dreams,

I dream of the coming of Jesus Christ my Lord and my God, I dream that someday I will be called friend and servant, by this Jesus Christ son of man and man's own son; I know this dream will be a true dream

I know this dream will come true!

 

Amen!

December 5, 1988

 

Have I not the ability to dream wonderful dreams anymore?

I try at night to be open to dreams that lift my spirit high; I open myself to the dreams of my youth,

I seek the dreams that led me to where I am now at,

I search for the dreams that can tell me where tomorrow is, and when the only dreams that come are the dreams‑I have no desire for, the dreams of pain not hope,

I try desperately to not dream at all but simply to sleep, but sleep, restful and peaceful deep sleep is not simple, it is as elusive as the dreams I search and pray for.

 

I know that my God has given me the gift of dreams.

God does not take away gifts that bring one closer to God, there is a reason the dreams I seek seem not to come, may be I am seeking the wrong dreams, the dreams of self. If so I ask God to give me the dreams God would have me dream, I know God has a dream for me and that is what I seek to dream, probably it will not be a peaceful dream. Yet I know it will be a dream that will bring me peace. I will find my destiny not in dreams but in doing God's will, in a dream I may find what God's will is for me. So I ask God for the dream of hope, the dream of love, I ask God not for my dream but for God's dream,

I open myself to being all that my God would have me to be. After all I am God's chosen son, I am my God's servant.

 

 

December 6, 1988

 

A world lay in total darkness,

Not a sign of life could be found, yet people moved all about,

 

It was a dark night with stars shining bright, sheepherders watched their sheep while yawning broadly, there was nothing special to be seen about this night.

 

A man and a woman had traveled far, were tired,

The woman was with child, the man was with the woman, they would be a part of the specialness of this night.

 

There was no place of comfort, no respectable place to stay,

The shelter they found only the most common of people would stay, the shelter they found would be the start of all things special.

 

A dark night that became bright and wonderful,

The light that came from the dark was unconditional love,

The man witnessed the woman give birth to the light of the world.

 

Suddenly a star filled the dark sky with light,

The night became bright as darkness gave way to light,

All that was and had been was no more for hope entered the world.

 

One night that was dark, just an ordinary night,

One night that became in an instant the night of nights,

One night that saw light come out of darkness as love entered forever.

 

The world is no longer the same as it was before that night, once love has come nothing can ever be the same, and love came to stay that night and is here forever today!

 

 

December 7, 1988

 

Forty seven years ago this day, four years before I was born, the Japanese in an unprovoked attack, bombed the United States at Pearl Harbor. Many Americans, many people, were killed and a war that took too many lives was begun. It was a war that ended with the United States using a bomb on Japan that was more than a bomb. It was the beginning of what I think could eventually lead to the most horrible destruction of this planet and the people that live upon it. Atomic bombs, nuclear weapons are not weapons at all. They are an environmental destruction force. Everyone has them now. Even the tiniest of countries.

 

Today the leader of what we in the United States refer to as the unfree world, the Soviet Union visited the United States, the center of the free world. The soviet leader, a man seemingly out of place as a peacemaker, once again seemingly took the front position in trying for peace among mankind. This man took the initiative of reducing all the fighting men at his country's disposal by 10%. The United States responded with caution and disbelief.

 

Aids is upon the world now in full force. If you want to have sex, it had better be with a virgin and stay with that person forever. If you do not want to be monogamous, if you do not want to be asexual, condoms seem to offer the only measure of safety to having sex. Nobody is sure if any of this is going to continue to be true. Aids, totally fatal, is with nuclear armaments two of the signs of the potential end of mankind.

 

The third sign is mankind itself.  At this time in our history, mankind seems to be racing to an end. No man lives today at a reasonable pace. Every man is rushed within and without. The pressure placed upon man by man to survive in this world in a way that is quote acceptable, is awesome. Man has no place for the man that does not fit man's image of what man should be. Every man alive is pressured to act, to have, to be by every living man. This pressure is intense and not getting less intense but indeed more so. It is this one hundred car fully loaded freight train going 200 miles and hour down a mountain our of control that is the third sign. It is possible that it will become so out of control that no man will be immune to being a passenger on it.

 

On December 25th, eighteen short days from now, man will stop for one moment maybe it's frenzy of going non stop, long enough to remember that one thousand nine hundred eighty eight years ago a man totally out of step with his time was born. This man who resisted the pressures of his day which were for their time as enormous as the pressures of today are, had only one purpose for being born. This man's purpose was to offer salvation to all men who had ever lived, who lived then, and who would ever live. Jesus Christ is God become man remaining God. Jesus brought us love and hope and salvation. The problem is we have continually resisted opening ourselves to Jesus Christ and so we find ourselves in the mess we are in today.

 

I sometimes wonder if it is too late, not for mankind, but for me. I fall so easily and so often and I do not seem to have learned anything from my past mistakes. I am determined to change. I will change, I just have to. L will not wait for disaster to come back and strike me down. I will change now, this minute and God will help me and stand with me.

 

Stand with me Lord, hold me and please do not turn me loose.

December 8, 1988

 

Feast of the Immaculate Conception

 

Hail Mary, full of grace…

A woman so special that she herself was conceived by her father and mother united with God in a moment of pure unconditional love.

 

The Lord is with you…

The Lord God is with all of us all the timed this woman was told in those words by a visitor who came directly from the full presence of God.

 

Blessed are you among women…

Hand chosen from conception, Mary was indeed the most special of all women.

 

Blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus…

You are going to bear a child. You will carry this child in your body as all women do. The father of your child will be God.

 

I think any person would be startled, frightened, unsure and even angry at hearing these words after some time then perhaps some understanding of what was being asked of this person might come about. Mary simply said and meant, be it done to me according to your will. No questions, no hesitation, no anger, not even sounding frightened.

 

Would not even the most perfect of humans question just a little the responsibility of what they were being asked to do. Mary, I do not believed ever questioned her God. She did as she was asked. She did so willingly and readily. We are not told about her pregnancy but she was quite young and I can not help but speculate that she had normal pregnancy feelings. Maybe she even had morning sickness. After all Mary was a woman in every sense of the word. For me her being a complete woman only adds to the image I carry of her as the most perfect of all women.

 

We know very little of her marriage to Joseph and again I know my church teaches Mary was a virgin from conception until she ascended into heaven. If I found out that Mary had indeed had a sexual relationship with Joseph, I would not think less of Mary but indeed I would feel that because of who Mary was with God, it could not have been anything but the most wonderful and perfect of relationships and really then it could be said her marriage was the perfect marriage.

 

I believe Mary was conceived without sin. I also believed she could have had the perfect marriage with sinning. I just know that a perfect marriage precludes the possibility of sin.

 

I celebrate you, mother of God. I celebrate you Mary, mother of all persons. I celebrate you, Mary, my mother. I also love you.

 

 

December 9, 1988

 

Jamie and I went shopping tonight. I got Linda's Christmas gifts. Most of all I enjoyed being with my daughter tonight. I have missed Gigi and Nikki so much. I almost broke down and cried this afternoon when I realized I never have another Christmas like I have enjoyed in the past, with just Linda, Gigi, Nikki, Jamie and me. 0 yes I am looking forward to having my grandchild next Christmas and I am looking forward to Nikki and Gigi having Christmas's of their own to remember just as Linda and I have had. I still was sad at the realization a certain time in my life had passed away and would never be again. I am most grateful that we have Jamie, maybe Jamie and I and Linda will have our own special wonderful Christmases, in fact, I am sure of it.

 

I praise you 0 God and I beg you never to turn me loose or let me go. Please Lord stand firm with me and hold me tightly. You know my dreams. If they are not your dreams, so be it. I am your servant and I will do what you would have me do. I do it willingly. I do confess to hoping that some of what I have dreamed may indeed be from you.

 

Thank you for this day.

 

 

December 10, 1988

 

Linda, Jamie and I just got back from taking 22 junior high students and parents and sponsors to the Toledo zoo Christmas lights. Five cars and 22 people. It was pretty and we are tired. Our car started making strange noises on the way back home-thank you God for getting us home safely.

 

It snowed earlier today for most of the day, lightly, but steadily. We got about an inch of snow. The roads were much better than I had thought they would be.

 

I really worried most of the day about calling the trip off. I am glad we could go,

 

I love you God and I place all my worries on you for I am not able to carry them. I just know you will hear my prayers as you always do and I trust you to take care of me and mine.

 

Thank you God for being God. Thank you and I love you and I love having you as my God.

 

 

December 11, 1988

 

A long day... tonight was senior high and confirmation night. There was a money counters party also. The day went pretty good.

 

O God, I love you and I want to get into a super Christmas spirit. I don't think I have been in a good Christmas spirit for some time. I want to change that. This would seem to be a difficult year for me to be in a Christmas spirit with Gigi and Nikki around yet, Jamie and Linda are around and I have so much to thank you for this year. What a year.

 

O Lord, my God, once in a small quick moment I seem to forget about my earthly self and for the briefest of moments, l think I actually attempt to praise you, to really love you and to feel your love for me.

 

Thank you for allowing me that moment.

 

How I wish I would choose to have more such moments. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me.

 

Stand firm with me and hold me tight. Give me the health, the good health I want and need to do your will. Please hold me close and I beg you never to turn me loose.

 

Take care of me and my family, your people.

 

John

December 12, 1988

 

Our Lady of Guadalupe

 

A long time ago a peasant person had an extraordinary experience. An incredible woman came and visited with him. This person does not seem to be an extraordinary person at least as such people go by today'^s standard, yet, the mother of God came and visited him. There must indeed have been something most special about him. Maybe it was his simplicity of life. Maybe it was his wholeness of being. I think it was because he was filled with the love that dwells within all of us in the same way. I think his love he allowed to shine as his beacon.

 

The mother of God appeared and what was changed asks the skeptic? So many people allowed the love of God to be present in their life in a most real way.

 

What was her message? I think it was to a planet of people to awareness of the love of God. I think it was to lift a nation and to inspire a people. I think it was simply and most especially a mother showing her love for her children.

 

The Lord God never spent very much time with those people who seemed to have so much. The Lord God spent most of his time with the ones who seemed not to have very much. I think it is only fitting that the mother of God would also choose to appear to a nation and a people that had great need of support. Only a special woman who had known the specialness of being an unwed mother of a son who was put to death on a cross for loving people too openly and lifting them up would really understand the needs of such a time and such a people. Juan Diego was the kind of man that the mother of God would choose to appear to. I hope I am the kind of man the mother of God chooses to love. I certainly have enough faults and failings. I certainly need her love. Most certainly I have it.

 

Thank you God for Mary, our Mother.

 

 

December 13, 1988

 

Darkness permeated all existence,

It wasn't only that there was no light, it was as though light had never been, black had become the normal,

Black was devoid of the possibility of light.

 

This existence was both real and unreal, it was real because it existed,

It was unreal because before, during and after existed the light of all lights, the creator, this creator's light could never be dimmed.

 

The world that this creator had created from within,

A world created and filled with beings made in God's likeness, a world in which all creation shared in the love of God, a world filled with the free will of God's love,

This world had freely chosen to be dark, void of light.

 

Into this world returned the stubbornly persistent love of God, into this darkness, into this void of light,

Into this closed off world God himself came again,

As if there had never been darkness of any kind, brilliantly-bright persistent and glorious light

 

came Jesus Christ

 

and

 

comes every day as on the first Christmas day!

 

 

December 14, 1988

 

Long day coming from another long day. Last night Father Ed told me he liked me. Coming from him that is supposed to mean something big. Today I wrote checks, counseled a young man, gave a class on the charismatic renewal in the Catholic Church which only one person attended, practiced with the choir, visited two teacher parties and now I am tired. My chest hurt most of the night. I took a Sudafed and I feel the start of feeling better which I hope means it is my sinus again.

 

The most important thing I did this day was to truthfully talk with a man about my turning to God„

 

I took a young man over to the sanctuary, opened the tabernacle and after kneeling, I explained to him I believed that my Lord and my God, the God who created me was present in every way to me in the Eucharist, I then asked him how he saw Jesus Christ. I asked him to think it over and I think he will.

 

I love you 0 God and I thank you.

 

Give me health and allow me to serve you 0 Lord.

 

 

John

 

 

 

December 15, 1988

 

I love you 0 God and I am filled with the knowledge of your love for me.

 

I wrote a short article this day to go into the church Christmas bulletin. It went something like this:

 

I thought of your birth this day and I understood more of what this day really means. I looked at you and I saw the light of your love for me shining brightly. I know that in you I will find the answer to all that I am looking for. I understand now just who you are and the gift you bring to me. You see, you are the people of Christ and I see the Christ Jesus in your in you, 0 Jesus is my hope and in you I will mope. In your people I will find you present at all times and in all ways. This is the gift I receive on your birthday which we celebrate as Christmas. This is the gift of each and every day.

 

 

 

December 16, 1988

 

Tonight after a long but good day of Santa Claus shopping Linda and arrived back home to get a call from Father Ed that a boy , a 4th grad student had not made it home from school. Yet, it was around 8pm so there was some cause for worry.

 

Linda and Ed and I searched the school and the church thoroughly. He was not to be found. We went home somewhat worried and prayed to God for this child's safety. We received a call from Father Ed about twenty minutes later that the boy had been safely found.

 

We could not help but remember the feelings of anger, badness and frustration when we thought Gigi had been lost. Most of all we could not help but remember the feeling of giving her up to God because we believed she was dead.

 

0 Lord our God we also remembered the incredible joy of knowing she was alive.

 

God, it seems tonight we are called to remember who we are and who you are. We are your children totally dependant on your love. Praise God for that love being unconditional and unlimited.

 

Stand firm with us and hold us tightly. Give us health. Take away our aches and pains and help us to become one whole person rooted always in you.

 

We love you and thank you for being our God.

 

 

 

December 17, 1988

 

Seven days before Christmas Eve.

 

Fourteen days until I have written for one year faithfully every day.

 

I learned Nikki is about 6 weeks pregnant today. I am exhilarated about the new life that is entering the world through Nikki and Andy. I am scared witless about Nikki and Andy's marriage.

 

I will have faith and I well not let my worry burden my wife and daughter with me.

 

I want to go Christmas caroling tomorrow night.

 

I look forward to serving my God as a faithful and good servant.

 

I wonder how Mary and Joseph were this week so many years ago. Somehow they- must have known that what was to take place, what they had been entrusted to do, the child they had been entrusted to raise, they must have known something of the great change in the world. They probably were just a little frightened and yet they had faith and their faith was reflected in their actions.

 

Lord God, I have faith too. It certainly is not like Mary and Joseph's faith but it is my faith and I pray my actions will reflect my true faith at its best. I pray to be allowed to serve you in a way pleasing to you. I hope that I will be able to take care of the tasks to which I have been assigned and also my wife and children.

 

I love you 0 Lord and I accept your love for me.

 

 

December 18, 1988

 

One week prior to Christmas

 

The gospel this day spoke of Mary's encounter with her cousin Elizabeth. It spoke of the unborn child of Elizabeth leaping with joy in Elizabeth's womb when Elizabeth encountered the pregnant Mary with the baby Jesus. Can you imagine being pregnant and the child within you leaping for joy when you come into the presence of your God? Yes I can. I can not imagine what insight one must possess to know that the unborn child of another is my Lord and my God. If that isn't incredible enough, consider the unborn child within you leaping for joy at the unborn child of another person, and, you understanding what was happening.

 

Everyone involved here was more than special.

 

My heart leaps for joy knowing that I celebrate the birth of my God every moment of my life. Today I gave out the Eucharist at mass. I celebrated my God in my actions. One week from today I hope my God will come to me in a special unique way. Even if I do not understand it, I am sure of it. I am also sure my God has already come to me in more special unique ways than I will ever know.

 

 

I thank you my God for my wife, my daughter Jamie, and my daughters Gigi and Nikki.

 

 

December 19, 1.988

 

Father Ed, Linda, Jamie and me went Christmas caroling tonight. We caroled for about an hour. It was nice and special.

 

O God I am looking forward to your coming. I need you to renew me and my spirit. Please heal me, body and mind. Please grant me the strength to overcome my afflictions, mental and physical.

 

I am glad I believe in you my God. I am glad you are my God.

 

Christmas week is indeed here. Let it go very well for everyone including Linda, Jamie, Father Ed, Nikki, Andy, Gigi, Tim, our family and your family.

 

Amen!

 

 

December 20, 1988

 

What is a present?

 

Not so strangely a present means much different things to a person depending on many things such as the lack of money or an excess of money.

 

When you have no money or very little to spend, a present takes on a unique meaning. It can become something personal, something prized, and something from the heart and yet cost in dollars and cents remain very small. If you are flush a present can have all the same meanings and cost a bunch. The odds are though that if you have enough money some presents you give will have little or no personal meaning to you. They will be gifts because you feel it is what you should do, that is, give something to someone, then I really question if it really is a present.

 

It seems to me a present is when + person gives anything of their own self to someone else. If a gift is given that is devoid of personal feeling it really is not a gift no matter the money cost.

 

So I think I am saying a present may indeed not be a gift. A gift is a thing. A present is a spirit of giving, a way of reaching out to someone on love. A present is a love offering. This would seem to open the door for almost anything to become a present.

 

The greatest present of all is the gift of love God has given each and everyone of us the greatest present of all is the baby Jesus knowingly coming in love to a world that would not only reject this love but indeed would try to kill it. The greatest present to us is that this love could not be killed or changed in anyway and indeed is as strong today as it was in the beginning.

 

 

 

December 21, 1988

 

I have been fighting what I think is a type of the flu all day long. I ache all over and I had what I think was a mean ugly ulcer for most of the day. I burned just below my chest and at the very top of my stomach. I am getting old.

 

I wonder if God ever came close to getting an ulcer. What do you think? I mean don't you think we stretched God at times beyond understanding. I think I must have done that at least once day all my life and I hope I am not the very worse sinner in the world.

 

God is all love and is such a love that is incomprehensible to humankind. God's love is never stretched. God's love isn't supposed to know peaks and valleys but is constant and the same, all the timer

 

I know God has a sense of humor and I just know God feels a certain elation when I just happen to do something right.

 

I think God can have all the good Godly human traits, and there are some, and still be the constant loving God I know.

 

I imagine I will always bear some criticism because there will be those who would say I make God too personal, to human, and therefore God certainly would not be God. Baloney! Double and quadruple baloney!

 

John Flakes can not make God anything. God is God. I am saying how I understand God to be and that is a valid understanding. God is my friend, my lover, my comforter, my healer, my spirit, my wisdom, my father, my mother, my very being, and yes my creator. God is my everything. God is my consistency. And yes, I do see God as the most intimate and personal of friends. God may indeed be the only friend I have not excluding my wife whom I love about as much as I love anything or anyone„

 

I praise you 0 God and I love you and I am most assuredly ecstatic that love me.

 

 

 

December 22, 1988

 

Twenty four years ago tonight I met my wife. She was a very young and sexy and beautiful bleached blond. I think I knew although probably did not think it at the time, but I think I knew she and I were to be together for life.

 

There is no way I could have known what a wise and important decision marrying Linda would be. There is no way I could have known that this young girl barely a woman was made of stern strong capable and incredible special stuff„ there is no way I could have made such a wise decision„

 

Linda was the second most important gift God ever gave me. The most important gift was the gift of personal knowledge of my God's incredible love for me. Linda was and is the second most important gift I have ever received.

 

Without her help I would surely have turned away from God. I really would like to think I would have found God in my life without Linda yet I do not think so. Maybe I would have because my God loves me so incredibly strong. Maybe I would have because there is something about my spirit that would not give up until I had found God. I would like to think so but I truly feel Linda has been God's daily and constant visible presence in my life.

 

I have turned away from her and I have hurt her. I can not stand the thought of the pain I have caused this wonderful gift from God to me. I likewise can not stand admitting I have hurt my God and turned away from my God, yet, I have,. I have hurt and hurt more often than I care to remember the most important things in my life . . . My God and my Linda.

 

It does me no good to think that I also have loved each greatly.

 

The pain I have caused them is not repairable yet as unreal as it seems, as totally impossible as it is, they both continue to love me.

 

It is in their love for me that my salvation is to found.

 

It is in their constant giving to me that I find my strength. I live because of their love.

 

I can be better because of their love.

 

I am sorry beyond measure for ever causing them pain. I am sorry beyond measure for my failings.

 

I can promise to never hurt them again and I do and I mean it beyond measure, and, it is almost assured I will not keep my promise.

 

I do promise and I will keep it.

 

My love for them coupled with their great love for me and the strength that comes from great unconditional and unlimited love will help me to keep my promise.

 

 

I love you God and I thank you for Linda. I love you Linda and I thank you for your love and faith in me.

 

Stand firm with both of us as we begin to grow older together.

 

Thank you God for loving us.

 

 

 

December 23, 1988

 

The Lord is mighty and great,

The Lord is wonderful and loving,

The Lord is all knowing, all understanding,

The Lord is the mighty healer of all ailments„

The Lord is the mighty healer of all mankind,

The Lord is gracious, slow to anger and all forgiving,

The Lord is kind, generous and touches all with love, there is no Lord except you O Lord, my God!

 

My Lord God is unconditional and unlimited,

My Lord God is all loving and his love is perfect,

The love of my God is unlimited, unlimiting, and unconditional; my God's love never changing and unending,

The love that is my God is always, was always, will be always, God is love exploding outward into you and me,

Lord God, creator of all that is, O wisdom of love.

 

Lord God who became man like me, heal and change me,

Perfect love come into my being and heal and change me,

Wisdom everlasting dwell within me,

Loving Lord creator God stand firm with me,

Thank you O God of all, O eternal God, O most mighty God, thank you for loving me, O God who's love never changes, thank you for loving me O loving Lord who loves me no matter, I am sorry for my sins which have been many,

I thank you for being born, I thank you for being God,

I thank you for my faith and strong knowledge of you, O God.

 

I thank you for being God!

 

 

 

December 24, 1 988

 

What an incredible day and evening and night!

 

It has been the most wonderful of days. For the most part Linda and I did not even remember that our Nikki was having her wedding blessed in a protestant church and we could not be there, indeed it was almost planned so we could not be a part of it.

 

Jamie sang at the 5:30 mass. I counted money with the money counters after the 8 pm mass. I led the music at the midnight mass and after Linda, Jamie, and I went to Mary Walz for a special party. It was fun.

 

Linda and I exchanged our gifts and Linda really liked hers. Linda had bought me a special gift that I had been trying to figure out. I thought it was a watch, some computer programs, a camera lens. I was wrong. I felt like a little boy. I was stunned. I still am. Linda gave me a shiny red 10 speed bike. It is incredible. It was like the Santa Claus Christmas's I used to know. I felt like a little child once more and I will cherish how I felt and feel for such a long time.

 

I felt as though the baby Jesus really was a part of my life tonight. I thank you Jesus for coming. May your fire burn within me forever. I adore you 0 Jesus.

 

Thank you for Christmas.

 

Let Nikki have had a special night. I hope her life is fine. I miss Nikki and g I g I but I am so glad you gave us Jamie.

 

 

December 25, 1988

 

Christmas day in all it^, s glory was here this day. It was a nice day.

 

Is this the beginning of Christmas or is it the ending? For many people it will be both. For some it will mark the beginning of a new awareness of Christ in their life. These people will see that Christ is born every hour of every day in every person. Christmas is an on going affair for a few lucky people that truly understand what Christmas is all about. For some others Christmas is that time of the year when gift giving is most important. It is the time when one parties, gives and receives all kind of gifts and yet never really understanding what Christmas is all about. This day marks the end of a long season that will actually peak party wise next weekend as the year draws to a calendar close.

 

For me this day marks what I hope is a beginning of a renewal on my part to be better than I think I can be. It is the beginning of a renewal of who I am and what I am about. This day is the first day of a new year in which I need to constantly remind myself that God is born every instant of my life. God is alive in every person I meet and how I treat that person reflects how I would treat my God. This day I do celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. This day I celebrate Jesus Christ in the people of God which are all people. This day I acknowledge that Jesus dwells in all persons and I acknowledge my responsibility and desire to be of service and love to all these people.

 

I thank God for the commitment I now feel and I pray for God to keep me strong throughout the coming days. I ask for guidance to know what we should do, where we should work and the strength to go forth as God's child and chosen servant.

 

 

December 26, 1988

 

Today began gray and cloudy,

Then a light mist began not rain,

A fine mist not of ice, rain or snow,

Slowly as it grew colder did it become snow, soon white driving snow was falling.

Then as in the middle of a hurricane,

The center was quiet queerly white,

Then it began once more this time definitely, what it definitely was became soon apparent, snow, lots of snow, big white flakes,

But strangely enough the temperature began to warm; now tonight the snow is still strong,

 

Tomorrow promises rain, driving rain, not cold, in-between is where the problem is,

For it is in the middle that one never knows, in the middle can be ice which can be deadly,

 

In the middle can be spots of ice still dangerous, in the middle can be not snow nor rain but danger, and I think in the middle is the same in one's life, for it is that time when one doesn't know, it is that time when one thinks one should know, yet it is the time when try as one might,

One simply does not know and thus flounders,

I try to avoid the middle by being a decisive man,

By making decisions I will not be caught in the middle, yet there is danger there too just as in the middle, in making so many decisions it becomes easy, so very easy to make the wrong decisions.

 

I hope I never ever accept wrong decisions as right, just as I hope I never get caught in the middle.

 

 

 

December 27, 1988

 

8:30pm

 

Gigi just called. Tim and she are about 25 miles below Indianapolis, Indiana. On a clear and dry day they would be about 3 hours or so away. There is a winter storm warning out for Defiance tonight with warnings for 3 to 8 inches of snow possible. I hope they drive slowly and safely. I pray my God to be with them.

 

The house is clean and all is ready. Their gifts are bought and under the tree. Linda has cleaned and washed and is washing everything in sight.

 

We are all nervous.

 

We are all expectant.

 

Gigi more so than the rest of us.

 

Gigi is about 26-28 weeks pregnant with our grandchild.

 

Life coming from life. That is what life is all about. Life is like love in that it is always reaching out. Life is never kept inside. Love can never be kept inside. We try to hide love and life but when it is there it can not be hidden.

 

I pray that Linda is healthy as I pray that I am and Gigi and Nikki and Jamie and our grandchildren are.

 

I pray also for the church secretary, Mary Batt. She is over 70 and doesn't look very well. She is to go to the doctor tomorrow. I pray she is to be ok.

 

God is love and he who abides in love abides in God and God in him. God is love as love is God.

December 28, 1 988

 

When I came to Defiance St. Mary's, there was a lady of about 70 years in age who had worked at St. Mary's for about 25 years. Her name is Mary Batt. This lady had been a one woman staff for part of her tenure. She had done about everything that that had needed to be done in running a rectory through the years. She had worked with and for priests who had great personalities and no personalities. She had worked successfully for priests that had she had liked and respected and also for some that no one could have liked or respected. She did the same job for each no matter the situation. The job she did was to support and carry out their tasks. She made things flow in the rectory and did so for about 25 years.

 

I was to be her boss.

 

I was very nervous and concerned. I needed not to be. I was just one more boss for her. She quickly began to support me and mold me. What was special for me was that I let her. I seemed to realize I had a lot to learn from her and not just about St. Mary's. She new how to get along with the person she worked for. Boy did and do I need that skill!

 

The hiring committee and Father Ed had stated that one of my responsibilities was to write a job description for her. I haven't gotten around to it. I haven't needed to because she did it for me. She seemed to sense she was going to retire and that I needed to know certain things. She set about teaching me. I would like to think this was one of the most important things she did for me. It was and it wasn't.

 

It was because I needed to know these things. I t wasn't because she did more important things for me such as not being shy about acknowledging me as her boss. On boss's day, I got a card. Father Ed didn't. She wasn't slighting Father, she was supporting me and enforcing me. At Christmas she gave me a gift. It was to "John, my boss and his family" wow! That meant so much more to me than the gift itself.

 

At our staff day of reflection Mary and I talked long and very privately. She sensed my need and ability to converse about very serious personal matters a she knew I needed my being to be reinforced. She listened and she advised and never did I feel as though I was getting advice. I knew she was sharing her wisdom and I know wisdom comes only from God. She told me I was a very special man. She told me I excited her and that I was too hard on myself and she assured me I was more than ok. She told me of her inner struggles with change and different pastors and how she had been hurt and hurt often and she shared how she sometimes wondered if she had stayed at her job only because of the fear of not being able to get another job. I knew this woman could have gotten another job.

 

Today Mary entered the hospital. She was very yellow in color especially her eyes and her liver seems to have a potentially serious problem. She was afraid and scared and old and fragile and I just needed to be with her. I just needed to let her know she was ok. I think I just needed to let her know I loved here and Mary let me do these things. She even acted as though I was the one doing her the favor by coming over to make sure she was ok.

 

Mary is a special woman and I know I do not have to worry about her. I see her as love reaching out. I see her as life being alive and well.

 

 

I see her today as being very ill and I am worried about her.

I feel I should ask God to just give her the strength to accept God's will for her and I do ask God for that. I also ask God to take care of her and not let her suffer or unduly worry.

 

Stand firm with Mary Lord as you do with me.

 

Thank you for letting Gigi and Tim get here safely at around 1:30 am this morning. Tonight all of us went over to Beth Brown's home. Beth is the principal of the St. Mary's school and a big supporter of me and Linda. It was very nice.

 

 

 

December 29, 1988

 

I am tired.

 

There is much I want to write. I am just too tired. I had a nice day.

 

I enjoyed tonight.

 

I pray God will find a way to protect and take care of Nikki and Mary Batt.

 

I pray God will take care of me and mine.

 

 

 

December 30, 1988

 

Well here I am only two days away from fulfilling an important promise to God and to myself. In two days I will have written everyday for one complete year. There were days I wrote so very late it was tomorrow yet it was the right day because I had not slept and that is supposed to make some sense.

 

Today I am going to remember an incredible year. It was a year that so many things happened most people would find it unbelievable.

 

It started in January, on January one to be exact. I did not start out to write a diary but to write something new and something relating to God's love for me each and every day. I wrote a diary on more days than I did not. If I let myself, I could be disappointed in that yet, I did write and I know somehow God helped me write each day. I started with the premise that all things in my existence emanated from God and that God ,who created everything that ever was and ever will be created, was the God of unconditional, all powerful, unlimited and unlimiting love. I am more so convinced that this is true today than I have ever been. God is love. The love that God is, is not the same as human love and yet human. Love comes from God's love.

 

I started writing in January about who God was in my life. Then January became dominated by the fact Linda and I had no money, no job and very little hope. We journeyed to New Mexico to seek a position at an Indian reservation and found a church and a people in disarray. We were injured and angry and it was a desperate journey. We were lost and did not know why. I began to do income taxes and it was a brave attempt to survive financially. God took care of us!

 

February was perhaps the worse month we have ever endured. We started the month under tremendous money pressure. No unemployment, no job, no way to provide for our family. The first fourteen days were always days of anger, hurt, not understanding, faith being stretched beyond limits and then February God terminally worse. Our daughter Nikki had a young man come visit. We knew he was important but we totally misjudged his influence on Nikki or Nikki's control over him. We tried so hard to get along with him. Everything we tried did not work. We did not know that Nikki had planned much of what was to happen. We were stunned beyond belief and hurt more than we can say. Nikki lied to us about their relationship. The same daughter that we had held, cuddled, loved, Nikki, planned and carried out a tremendous lie that has caused us great and incurable pain. This indeed was the month to give up and die. We did not. I am tempted to say I do not know how we survived February 1988, yet, I know it was through God's love for us. I also know this was a month that will be with us forever.

 

March became a month of incredible hope and prayer. Linda and I turned to God and to each other and begged God for a place to work. Our income picked up enough for me to get a pair of glasses and we sent out resumes. We hoped so much and we prayed and we believed and it was in a way a special month.

 

April was the turning point in this year job wise for us. Our income in March from tax returns was good and it continued into April. The month began with our daughter Gigi and her young man Tim, taking Jamie, Linda and I to Disneyworld. It was an incredible wonderful day. The month continued with us alternating being considered for and then losing two jobs either of which we would have given anything

for. We splurged on a day for ourselves and the car wore out. God provided us with another car. Every time we would be ready to quit, to despair, God gave us hope and in the end a man from Defiance, Ohio called and seemed interested in us.

 

Jesus calls us to believe and we did„ on the day Linda's mom and day visited us, we received a call from Defiance St. Mary's to come for a job interview. We journeyed there and we were offered the job and we accepted and there are no words. May ended on a great nervous high.

 

The month of June we spent camping in a tent, on our way to our new job. It was a month of love and joy and hope and it ended with us in a new home in Defiance. Thank you God.

 

July was a month of settling in. We made mistakes. We tried too hard. Our daughter Gigi became pregnant with our first grandchild and even in this month we were called to believe. The call to believe never ends.

 

August was hot and I mean very hot. I feared for my new job and I could not relax. I had trouble trusting, God or anyone.

 

September was a month to take care of our bodies and we did. It was a month to begin programs. We began to work and we worked hard for a man that at times we were not sure if he appreciated us. We found out we did not have unemployment insurance without which we could not have survived. It had been a long few years each one bringing more and more difficult moments, days for us to try to survive.

 

October we were still settling in and finding our place. I wrote less in a diary style and more of my feelings for God.

 

November brought us closer to God in I had a physical problem, I thought I was having a heart attack and we celebrated a daughters marriage in our church. You can see how thanksgiving was truly special this year to us.

 

December has been a glorious month and Jesus came to us this Christmas in the most special of ways

 

I guess this has been a turning point year in our lives. We had no choice but to believe and we chose to believe anyway. We could have quit at anytime. We have not saved nearly the amount of money we should have and we may yet pay for that. We splurged on Christmas and I am glad. We are hopeful we will be invited back next year yet we are fearful we do not know enough to be. We are worried about our health, our weight, and so many things. At times we seem to have forgotten how this year began yet I know we have not nor will we be ever able to, nor, would we ever want to.

 

I love you God and I pray now you will give me specific direct input on what I am to write next. Linda wants me to try to write children's books about God. I don't know if I can. I hope only to be open to doing what ever you want me to. I pray that I will be a good father and husband and, I pray I will be a good and faithful servant to you, my God.