April 1, 1988

 

As a Christian, as a Catholic, I believe that bread and wine become the body and blood of Jesus Christ, my God. This action is not a random or haphazard action, it occurs only under certain circumstances and always under those circumstances. This action takes place only when a duly ordained priest and the people of God gather in equal prayer to our God.

 

The Eucharist is an action. There is the action of the people of God gathering in prayer with a priest or God, there is the action of the Lord God physically coming to dwell in the bread and wine. There is the action of the bread and wine becoming Christ's body and blood. The act on continues through the Eucharist being offered to the gathered community. The action of the community actually receiving the Eucharist.

 

The most important action sometimes does not happen.

 

You see, the actions I have just described to you are assured. They happen no matter the belief of the individual. Bread becoming body and blood of Christ is assured whenever a believing community gathers with a priest at the celebration of the Eucharist.

 

The action that sometimes does not happen is the action of you and I extending the Eucharist. Yes, we believe and we receive. Then what? If the action of the Eucharist is a continuing one; if the action of the Eucharist does not stop when you and I receive the Eucharist, then how does the action continue? The action will only continue if you and I extend the love of Christ to all those that not only we come in contact with, but all mankind.

 

The Eucharist is action. It is the act of a loving Lord Creator God coming in the most personal of means to dwell within his creation. It is the act of you and I through the Eucharist extending this unlimited and unlimiting love to our neighbor.

 

This is indeed the Eucharist I know and love and serve.

 

 

 

April 2, 1988

 

Today is Holy Saturday. It is the day that Jesus spent dead. It is the day that nothing good is supposed to happen yet today has been a good day. I feel an anticipation of joyous and wondrous happenings as we prepare to and celebrate the greatest triumph of all time. Life over death. Good over evil. Love over hate. Tonight we celebrate the risen Jesus. Tonight we celebrate hope. We celebrate the triumph of man over the world.

 

The risen Savior Jesus speaks loudly that God can do anything. Jesus the man who is God was killed and spent this day in death. Jesus the man who is God will rise once more from death to life this night.

 

Life over death. Life beyond death. Sudden and complete triumph over total darkness.

 

We celebrate humanity this night. We rejoice in the proof that all miserable and unending pain can be overcome. There is hope beyond despair. This is the night when the impossible became possible. Jesus who was dead became alive and well.

 

It is a celebration day.

 

 

April 3, 1988

 

Easter Sunday - 1988

 

Linda and I were privileged to take Holy Communion to a man recovering from a stroke today.

 

Linda, Jamie, Tim, Gigi, and I went over to my mother and fathers' today for dinner. My sister Betty Joe was there, it was very nice. While we were there my sister Margaret called.

 

We called Linda's mom and dad earlier from our house before going to my parents. Linda, Jamie, Tim, Gigi, and I rode out to the Space Center today. It was free and we enjoyed ourselves.

 

Tim and Gigi are taking Linda, Jamie and me to Disneyworld tomorrow. Jamie said, "I'm really looking forward to going to Disneyworld tomorrow." My heart wants tomorrow to be the most perfect day for her. She is so generous and has been through so much. Please Lord let it be!

 

Nikki called tonight. It was so good to hear her. She sounded fine. I worry so about her. I tried to let her know she could come home anytime she wished. I wanted to hear her say she was on her way. Sometimes want too much!

 

Tim hid Easter eggs for Jamie tonight. Jamie then hid eggs for Tim.

 

Gigi clobbered me at scrabble- she is so bright.

 

Tim, Gigi, Linda and I played cards.

 

Jamie took a bath, and then, went to bed early in preparation for tomorrow. Lord god whatever it takes, please look down and see. Understand and take care of this beautiful little girl's special dream of a wonderful day.  Please, please God let Jamie have a most special and wonderful day.

 

Today was a fitting day to celebrate life over death. Today my family celebrated life. The thing is we must learn to celebrate Easter every day of our life not just on Easter Sunday.

 

In your rising from the dead, o lord, you gave us a substance, not a dream, to believe in. You really did overcome death and live after being dead. Because of that, I know all things are possible.

 

I love you Lord. I trust in you.

 

I thank you for hearing and helping me.

 

Happy Easter!

 

 

 

April 4, 1988

 

Tim and Gigi took Linda, Jamie and me to Disneyworld today.

 

We got there at around 9:30 am after getting up and leaving home at about 6:45. We returned home at 1:55 am. It is about 2:05 now.

 

It was a day to be remembered. Everything went well. Jamie had the most special of days, so did all of us.

 

Several times this day I was very clear in my prayer to my God. I owe you for this day. I know I owe my God for every day but this day was special and I thank you God for it.

 

I praise your name and thank you for the marvelous day you gave us.

 

When we got home this morning, a neighbor was upset over Gigi's dog barking while we were gone. Big deal.

 

What a super day! Thank you and praise you O Lord God Almighty.

 

 

April 5, 1988

 

Today I tried to stumble. It was unusually hard for me but still I tried very hard and I did succeed. I'm not comfortable when things go well. I do not know how to handle nice things, pleasant things, things I so much want and need. Those, things when they do happen to me as they have been happening for the last few weeks; well I just can't handle it. I have gotten so use to being wrong even when I tried so hard to be right that when things go right I simply expect bad to happen.

 

I know better now! I know my God loves me so very much and I know he has seen my faith and my struggle to be better and he is here and he is helping me and he will not look on me in disgust and walk away from me.

 

I found I have made some errors in figuring depreciation for some of my tax clients. I truly thought I was doing it right. I had studied the new laws so much and I really do better than most preparers this year. Well that doesn't excuse the fact now I know I have made some mistakes too. I can't go back and refigure because I don't know where these mistakes are. I will not make the same mistake twice. Gigi and Tim left today. It was an incredible nice week.

 

Their leaving coupled with my new knowledge and the worry over money and a job and being very tired from the late hours we kept while they were here, left me very depressed this day.

 

Just being this aware of all of this tells me God is close at hand. He knows of my human failings and will not desert me.

 

Dear God please help me and show me what to do. Please!

 

I love you and I am sorry for my faults. I will be better.

 

Wisdom come and dwell within me and my family and lift me up.

 

Risen Jesus I adore you. I understand a little of the effort it must have taken for you to get up from being dead. You did it and I am not dead. I am alive and you are alive and I will stand up. I just need your strength.

 

Let us rest tonight so we can go on and travel your road safely.

 

 

 

April 6, 1988

 

I prepared two tax returns this day. You can imagine yes, I went overboard in being honest and mot making a mistake. I still gave advice.

 

Linda and I were called by the Devine Mercy Director of Religious Education Search Committee this afternoon. They are going to interview us tomorrow at 4:30 for the job. To say we are nervous would be the understatement of the year. Any job is acceptable but we so hope God will take us elsewhere.

 

Please do not misunderstand any job would literally be a Godsend. We would be so grateful for any job.

 

The search committee for the Parish Administrator job in Minnesota I applied for is deciding who to interview right now. Please God put in a good word for me - if this is where you want me to be.

 

Do not want to go somewhere you do not want me to be, Lord God. I just know you are watching me and guiding me and the right place will be opened for me.

 

I feel guilty for wanting to go somewhere, anywhere. I know I should just want to go where you want me to be, and I do. I really do. At the same time I am attracted more to some places than others. If you decide I am to go to my most undesirable place, no problem. Where you want me to O Lord, I go. I am your servant.

 

In my heart I am lobbying you for two special places though and, know you know which two. Whatever you decide, I will accept willingly.

 

I love you and as you know, I am trying to live up to the wisdom you have recently imparted me with.

 

I ask in prayer that Linda and I not do or say anything you do not want us to do or say at the interview tomorrow. Please do not let us embarrass you or us tomorrow.

 

We love you and we accept your loving presence in our life.

 

 

 

April 7, 1988

 

Linda and I were interviewed for the position of Director of Religious Education at Devine Mercy Catholic Church this afternoon. Father McCathy, the pastor, Pat Englehart the DRE that is leaving and a nice man named George did the interviewing.

 

Our prayer before the interview was that we: would not say or do or imply anything that would be untrue or embarrass us or our God.

 

We did not lie. We were more truthful than we have ever been with anyone ever when we applied for a job.

 

We tried our very best to be honest, open and direct. I wish we had done it better but I think we did ok. The more we do it, that is, the more we are open and honest and make the attempt not to embellish or lie, the better we will get at telling the truth.

 

Lord God do not let us fail you. We want so much to be pleasing to you. We want to serve you and we even want to serve you wherever you want us to be.

 

If Devine Mercy is not the place, Lord God, please find us the right place and soon.

 

They, Devine Mercy, is going to let us know one or before this Sunday. Either way we will have to make a decision. Please help us make that decision.

 

 

April 8, 1988

 

I did not do so well this day. That does not mean I did not try; it just means I did not do as well as I would have liked.

 

I can be more truthful and I will be. I can be more better in every way and I will be,

 

Answers seem to be what I am looking for and not getting.

 

I know those answers are there for me and they will be provided.

 

Perhaps I just expect too much of myself. I can not expect too much of God for there is no such thing as too much for God.

 

Since God dwells within me, I can expect more from me and do. I am sorry for my failings and will do better.

 

Please God stay with me and hear and answer me.

 

Tim called, he misses Gigi and is worried about us. He is a fine young man.

 

I love you God.

 

I thank you and I praise you.

 

Above all else I accept your love for me!

 

 

April 9, 1988

 

What do I do if I do not be who I am?

What am I if I am not who I must be?

What will I be if I am not what I am?

What is it possible for me to do or be - if all I do and all I am is concerned only with me.

 

I am nothing if I am not who I am.

I am even less if I do nothing at all.

I do not exist if what I do is solely for me.

I am not if I is all that matters in my being.

You see without you there is no I am nor can there be.

 

One is never complete but rather one is a void, one becomes a whole only when there is more. More is what reaches out from the inner most of one, there is no one that does not contain this reaching out.

 

What it is that reaches out and completes one is the most sought after of all gifts of creation. It is the single gift that frightens man most.

This gift man most always tries to hide and deny,

This gift is known to all and free to all and costs each the same.

 

What is it that completes man so and frightens so much?

What is it that is within each creation yet reaches out?

What is it that must be shared and yet hurts to share?

What is it that only completes itself in man when shared?

It is the greatest of all gifts that dwells within each one.

 

The gift I speak of is the eternal gift of love.

This love is limitless and unlimiting and forever.

This love is complete and full and always reaching.

Love is never easy to understand yet essential to life.

Love is man's Creator dwelling as God within man.

 

 

 

April 10, 1988

 

Today is the day we are supposed to hear about Divine Mercy. Will they ask us or will they decide not to ask us. On the one hand we will be hurt very much if they decide not to ask us and yet, if they ask us we are not very sure we should accept. It certainly is not our first choice. The problem is that it may well be God's choice for us. If it is, of course we will accept.

 

I think we are open to doing what ever our God wants. I hope so.

 

I ask God our father to help us not be angry or bitter if they decide against us.

 

There is so much bitterness, ugliness, even anger present within our church. Young priests carrying labels for the rest of their priestly life and not allowed to function as real priests. Lay people being discriminated against because someone in authority somewhere has decided that laypeople are not as capable of pastoral leadership, as celibate priests.

 

I think in this mammoth leadership struggle our church is undergoing. The real losers are the people. Who cares about the people? Who cares for the people? The priests look after their bishops' holdings and the bishops look after the image of the diocese. Sisters are concerned with their state in the church. Maybe rightly so, but when anyone becomes more concerned about themselves than others, something is lost. Sisters and priests are about service. Service to each other and service to their God. Most of all they should be about service to the people of their God.

 

Sooner or later the people must be cared for. Now I want to be clear, I am not speaking of the people that contribute the most money or the people that do the most or the people that have the least. The word people is similar to the word neighbor. It is an all encompassing word. The people or God are the people that Jesus Christ is speaking of when he told us to love our neighbor as we love our self.

 

People knows no denomination, race or status. People is humanity. If you are alive ,you are my neighbor and I love you and more than that I have a responsibility to and for you. If you exist you are people. All people are people of God.

 

Who will care for the people?

 

That is the burden Linda and I have been given. The burden is the knowledge that no one is caring for the people and as hard as we try, we can not care for everyone.

 

It is not a burden to care for people. It is a great gift to be allowed to love people. When you love you feel a calling to take care of. Love is an action. This action is a gift but it is also a requirement. Because of who we are and who our God has called us to be„my wife and I find ourselves trying to survive within a structure that does not seem to want us. This structure is very uncomfortable with us because we have no choice but to call the structure itself to task for its failings. Because of our understanding of love and the love that created us, dwells within us and flows from us we are who we are. Perfect not in the wildest or even remotest of ways. Perfect? No way! The structure we love so much because of the truths that are essential to our life, seems to have forgotten how to love.

 

The structure has lost sight of who forms it.. The structure has lost touch with where it came from.

 

Is it time for the structure to close up and end? No! It is time for the structure to look at itself from outside. I do not think it capable of change from within. The change that is essential to it continuing as the structure of God and God's people will come from an infusion of the breath of God on it. This breath of God first has been breathed on to the place that God is ever present and that place is within each one of the people of God. The people of God will demand change and because of the strength of the Holy Spirit flowing from the people, change will happen.

 

Meanwhile what can I do? What can any one person do? The answer is at once nothing and everything.

 

The answer is nothing because you and I can create nothing. You and I are not capable of creation. When you and I decide to create watch out! The answer is not for you and I to be formulating plans to make changes. The answer is for you and I to do and be all that God asks us to do and be. And there is the second part of the answer. By doing and being all that we can do and be, we can do and be everything. Everything we worry and pray about and seem will be taken care of through our action of letting God work through us, through us and our willingly allowing God to use us not as we would like but as God pleases. Great and wonderful things will come to reality. You and I are powerful instruments of God. Remember God dwells within you and I. God is present in each of us always under all circumstance. If we can allow our need to become secondary to allowing God to work through us then everything is not only possible but probable.

 

 

 

April 11, 1988

 

Well, Devine Mercy rejected us. The reason given was so they could hire someone with more experience. The person they have offered the position to has a total of 5 years experience.

 

I did not even make it to the final 6 applicants for the job in Minnesota. They had over 50 applicants for the position of Parish Administrator.

 

God seems to be speaking very clearly.

 

What we are hearing may not be what he is really saying. I mean God is speaking clearly yet we are confusing our human hurt and pain with what it is God is saying.

 

Somehow we must stand firm

 

Somehow we must remain firm in our determination to be used any way God would like to use us.

 

This moment is hard. It is not unlike other moments in the past year we have had to handle. Each time we have rallied to our God.

 

Right now I am so tired. Linda is lost. How do I pick her up when I can not pick myself up?

 

We seem to be facing the reality that if we are who and what our God created, we are going to continue to be outcasts even from our own

 

How do we prevent ourselves from becoming even more bitter? How do we prevent this hurt and anger from overpowering us? What are we to do? .

 

At this point there seems to be only one thing we can do and that is to continue to believe. It is just that we are losing sight of what it is we believe.

 

Lord God there are times when I feel it just doesn't do any good to call on you for help. This is one of them and yet I can do nothing else except to say, Lord God please! Please Jesus help us! Please Wisdom, help us! Please Father help us. Mother of God and man please help us!

 

Please!

 

 

April l2, l988

 

When times are troubled and a man is given to worry, when a man has thought that he has placed his faith in doing and being all that his God had called of him, only to have the answer he was looking for taken way,

 

well, then

 

a man might just think that he had misplaced his trust - especially if that man had been in turmoil for a while.

 

Yet I wonder

 

is this the time for that man to give up what he believes, or  is this the time for that man to really find his faith.

 

I mean

 

if this man is finally trusting in a true God, if this man has put his past aside forever, if this man really believes in his God, and his God's love

 

it would seem

 

that now is the time for this man to stand tall.

Now is the time for this man to take on what his God is asking.

Now is the time not to give in to weakness, fear.

Most especially now is the time not to give up.

 

And so,

 

even if things get worse and it seems they might, that can not be the determining factor.

When God sees your determination to be faithful, God will come to this man's side and lift him up.

 

The answer is,

 

Only put your faith and trust in the loving Lord Creator God.

Commit your being to this God's service and,

 

most of all,

 

allow yourself to be loved by your God!

 

 

 

April 13; 1988

 

There is the peace of aftermath present this day.

It is the lightness of knowing that somehow it will be ok. It is the peace of knowing you did the best you could, while it would seem you came up short again.

Somehow you know your God will take care of everything.

 

I hope this peace is not resignation of acceptance, because that would be a most terrible thing. You did the best you could and you stood firm in faith. I hope this peace is the inner strength of your God within, giving you the strength to be ready for what comes next.

 

Not knowing what comes next is indeed a frightful thing. Saying it does not matter and meaning it, different things. Of course what comes next matters a great deal. It also matters that you are willing to try to do whatever it is that is asked of you by your God.

 

This God you love and who loves you even more, sees your trusting faith and will not turn away from you. Doubt asks how you are to know this is true. Your humanity knows not how to answer the darkness of doubt, you just know your God is there for you!

 

Doubt bears down in darkness and you tremble in fear, for a moment you consider the dark night of doubt. For a moment the weakness of fear overwhelms your being. Then the strength of the love of your God overpowers all fear, once more you are strong enough to face the moment.

 

For right this moment , that is all you can ask ‑

The strength to believe and know that you are not lost. There will be more deep dark dreary doubts and fear, the breath of God has breathed on you a new being, and, in the breath of God you will find the strength you'll need‑

 

Each and every time!

 

 

 

 

April 14, 1988

 

The aftermath of peace seems always to be explosion. Such explosions always seem to come when least expected. Usually the trigger to this type of explosion is tiny. The big things have been handled and the tiny is unexpected. There was such an explosion yesterday in this house.

 

It was short angry and most horrible and came from nowhere, the nowhere it came from was the depression of reality. Once more there was rejection in the most personal of ways. Rejection had come from ones who knew us intimately. We thought we had dealt with this as best we could, yet in retrospect, this was the real cause of the explosion.

 

The aftermath or the explosion left us even more tired. Drained we fell into each other and drained we slept. Sleep is good but sleep in the middle of the day is not. This sleep was the dark night of drained depression. Wisdom came and told us not to give up but to get up. Wisdom came and seems to have lifted us on to our feet.

 

And so we will continue on but to where will we journey? What will we do for food, money, a car and hope? Because we are who we are, we'll continue to ask God to help. The real question is how long will our God leave us on this road, when will our God come and rescue us from this dark night. We believe it will be soon but it is a belief tied to need.

 

We would rather believe because we choose to believe.

We have chosen to believe and we have not turned away.

We have been steadfast in our trust and strong of heart.

We are now so very tired, the dark has crowded out the light.

It is time for us to be clear in that the light still shines.

It is time also for the light to overcome the dark.

 

Please Lord hear our prayer!

 

 

April 15, 1988

 

I am trying not to feel abandoned and alone.

I am trying to cling tightly to my strong faith in God.

I am trying to find a way to make everything work out.

 

and the bottom line is,

 

I feel that nothing I do is going to matter.

Things are just totally out of control and I am lost.

 

My spirit climbs up and screams at me not to give up.

My very soul wants to get up and climb out from this pit

I have climbed up prom so many pits in the year gone by.

I keep climbing up and out and the more honest I am - the deeper the next pit is and I am pushed back down. How many times can I get up and when do I stop trying?

 

There is a part of me that says I will never quit.

There is a part of me that says I am not just ok -‑ but indeed I am really special and I am fine.

There is a part of me also though that says I see what you've caused. You see I am beginning to have no choice but to believe that I am the one causing all my troubles.

 

My spirit cries out strongly and says in no uncertain way, no, who do I think I am that I could be solely responsible -‑ do I have the power of creation? Did I ever create anything? Perhaps in a moment of human weakness I dwelled in darkness, but did I cause the darkness? Come on, who do I think I am, my spirit reminds me I exist only to serve my God.

 

If I have stumbled in the service of my God, I am human. God is not and will not punish me for falling. God will not abandon me in the darkness of a pit. It is the hand of God reaching out to me each time ‑ I have managed to stand up after being flat on my back.

My only question is when will the hand of God keep me upright?

 

Lord God I am so tired or stumbling and falling.

Lord God I am so tired of making mistakes.

Lord God I am so tired of having to get up from being down.

Lord God I am trying to do your will and not mine.

Lord God I am willing to do your will and not mine.

Lord God is this constant falling and getting up‑ is this the only I am to be allowed to serve you?

 

So if it is, Lord God, I want to say, so be it.

I really want not only to say it, but to mean it.

I just do not think I can, so have I failed you again?

O Lord God, I hope not, I just need to have things even out some. I know I must be a disappointment, O God, I am sorry.

 

I have wanted to be your chosen servant all my life. Ever since that first time you spoke to me. I have loved you and you would not have spoken to me if you did not love me. You have given me so much and am so very thankful. It seems I need even more and am ashamed to ask. I feel I should be able to say whatever you want fine.

 

Even now a part of me cries out to you, do with me as you will. I accept what you have in store for me. I accept it without fear because I know you will take care of me. I know this because you have always taken care of me. I want you to know God, I tremble as I write this. Yet God I do write it and I do mean it. I am so very tired Lord please send your very breath. Breathe on me and infuse me with the you I know is in me.

 

O loving Lord my very own God, I accept your will.

O loving Lord, come to my aid and strengthen me.

O loving Lord God, I adore you and I exist to do your will.

O loving Lord God, please come and show me clearly the way.

Do not turn me loose for my way would not lead me to you.

Hold me close and physically put me where you would have me.

My humanity is weak but my faith and trust in you,

 

O God

 

is firm!

 

 

 

April 16, 1988

 

Surprised and very pleased and excited were Linda and myself yesterday when the mail arrived. St. Nicholas in North Pole, Alaska sent us a package containing information about their community. It seems Linda and I are a finalist for the position of DRE and Youth Minister. We are to be interviewed by telephone this coming Thursday night around 9pm.

 

Our spirits are high and we are full of hope. Yet, what if they do not like us either, we have been turned down by so many people now, we are almost afraid to hope.

 

Maybe this is the clear sign from our God we have been waiting for. Maybe not.

 

Our prayer 'remains the same and you know what it is. Lord God, whatever you want, we will try to do. Just do not turn us loose. Please give us the strength we need.

 

Please take care of us.

 

We have not heard from Nikki since Easter. We are worried about her. Lord, loving Lord God, please let Nikki be fine. Please take care of her and let us hear from her.

 

We love you and need you Lord. Thank you for being our God.

 

 

 

April 17, 1988

 

I led the singing at the 10 am mass this morning. Father McCarthy was the Celebrant. He must know how hurt Linda and I are that he did not offer us the job at Devine Mercy. When I offered him the kiss of peace at mass, I offered it with love, I did not lie. I love him and I wish him well. It is just as true I am still very hurt at the way in which Father used us in his search for a DRE at Devine Mercy.

 

Thank you God for letting Nikki seem to be ok. Linda called her early this morning, I just wanted to hear her voice and know she was alright.

 

Linda and I are trying to be so casual about the interview next Thursday for the job in Alaska. The truth is we are so desperate to have someone somewhere want us to come and serve as ministers. We are trying not to pray to God specifically for this job. Lord I think you probably know what is in our heart though. We really need someone to ask us to come to work.

 

If it be your will Lord please let it happen soon. Please, Lord, you know our need.

 

I enjoyed leading the singing this morning. Thank you.

 

O Wisdom come and dwell in Linda and me in all things.

 

Amen!

 

 

 

April 18, 1988

 

One more day has passed this way.

One more day has passed and I am still here.

One less day until I know what I am to do.

I spent this day trying to be all I am.

That is not such a bad way to be.

 

But is it really true? I mean, how'd I do?

Did I really try to be all I could be all day log?

Or did I just go along with the day and hope it'd soon pass away?

I hope that I did not do that, just go along, but in retrospect, it is possible.

 

You know, you see, most of the time most of us seem to just be. In fact there are definite times when going along seems to be the most practical thing one could do. But often it also seems we go along hen we should not. Often we seem to be afraid to do anything else. Who wants to be different and risk ridicule or job loss? Who cares if something is right or wrong ‑ so long as it does not cause me a personal problem? Has this ever been your attitude? It has been mine. All I know is when I think about what I am doing at that time, I try to do and be the best I can.

 

When I am aware of what I am doing and that isn't so often, but when I am aware of my actions, I try to be all I can be.

 

I suppose that is something and I can take a measure of pride, like I said before, I do not seem to be all that aware all that often and sometimes I do not seem to want to be aware. Lord God, I ask you to forgive me and lift me up.

 

Lord God I ask you to hold me so close that I can feel you present. I am like a child that knows better but does wrong anyways. Only, Lord, I know what is right and what is wrong. It is just often I close my eyes and pretend not to see. Open my eyes Lord and help me to be the man you created. Give me wisdom and direct my every action.

 

Let me be a servant you can be proud of, my Lord.

Show me where I can best serve you and take me there.

Do not let me wander by myself for that is just what I'll do. The one thing I do not need to do right now, Lord, is wander. I have guided my steps long enough and I have gotten lost, you, O Lord, have found me and rescued me.

 

I was not found to become lost once more. So here I am Lord, ready and willing. Use me as you wish, if you hold on tight enough, I can not get lost.

And, Lord, that is what I am depending on.

Through you Lord, I can be better than I am.

In you Lord, I will be better than I have been.

Through your redeeming love, Lord, I will be all I was

 

created to be!

 

 

April 19, 1988

 

 

When one is busy, the devil has trouble interfering. When one is idle, the devil almost always is present. It is not the idleness that invites the devil. There are times when it is necessary for one to be still, resting is not to be construed as being idle.

It is the wondering with no specific purpose in mind.

It is the mind that has been searching with no answer.

It is the lazy mind, the mind that delights in being lost.

It is looking in the wrong places for the wrong  answers.

It is the one who desires right but puts himself - in places that he knows right will not be.

This is who the devil rejoices in and finds quickly.

 

How do I know all of the above?

Only because I am he who has opened his being to the devil.

I know of putting myself in wrong places.

I know how easy it is to do wrong even when it was not my intent.

I know first hand of trying to remain faithful in evil places.

Understand now I am not bragging about this knowledge. In fact I am most ashamed and often angry of my knowledge, because having such knowledge means I have failed often.

 

I also know of the unending love of my creator God. This God has never given up on me and will never do so. It is only because of God's unending love for me that I have found the strength to rise up again and again. It is only through his love I will find the strength to overcome myself and to be more than I thought possible. And I will be all that I can be for to be less ‑ is not an acceptable alternative, nothing is.

 

It is through God dwelling within me in infinite love, that I can be the man God would have me be. I have been given wisdom to know what is right and wrong. I do not see through cloudy and dark eyes. I see through eyes of wisdom bathed in brightness of light.

 

One of the ways to keep from falling again is to avoid that which might induce my falling. With eyes open wide to see, I now look for holes to avoid. Sometimes I step into one hole trying to avoid another. God sees and knows that I am trying to avoid them all. Because of my humanity that would not seem to be possible. It not only is possible, but absolutely necessary - that I try to avoid them all and am trying.

 

This time I am in now in a hole I would most like to avoid. My only purpose to prayerfully await an answer from my God. I sit, pray, and try not to misinterpret my God's message. I am waiting as patiently as I can what it is God is saying. With eyes and ears open wide, I pray for the wisdom to find purpose. I am afraid, not of what my God might say, I am afraid of myself and that I will hear the devil's panic. I am afraid I will mistake the devil's voice for my God's voice. I am afraid of making the mistake of poor judgment. Waiting like this opens one's mind to the ever waiting devil.

 

O Lord God see my failing strength and send, help. Speak to me in words even I can not misunderstand. Be so clear, Lord, that I will have no choice but to listen and do.

 

This is my prayer. Amen.

April 20, 1988

 

Another day to try to be all one can be.

Another day to listen to hear God's word.

Once more I am having trouble focusing on what I am to do. It seems that even though I greatly fear this road am now upon, it is a road I must travel.

 

I cannot stand having nothing specifically to do. I know I am here for a real and special reason, whatever that reason is. I accept and find hope in it. It is just not knowing just what that reason is  that has led me to the confused state I am in.

 

I sense I am waiting for something good to happen. While I am waiting for good, something bad keeps happening. To be honest not everything that has happened was bad, and the Lord God has taken care of us so far. Why can I not just expect him to continue to do that.

 

I feel as though I should be doing something. I am afraid or becoming so dependant on my fellow man, I forget how to care for myself or others. Yet I know I cannot return to what and who I used to be. Wisdom has forever prevented me from going back.

 

I am glad for that wisdom which has come to dwell in me. My eyes are more open than I ever hoped. There must be a way for me to serve this wisdom, a way I can provide an honest living for my family, and this way will be serving my loving Lord God.

 

Patience is long and tedious and not easy at all. To be deliberately patient means running the risk of seeming to be confused and not understanding. It is when you are most confused and tired that the devil comes bringing doubts, playing on your inner most fears, offering sin.

 

The devil has found me to be easy prey in my past.

The devil has found me to be not as easy now.

The devil knows my weakness and offers it as candy.

The devil knows I dearly love candy and blinds me with evil. Wisdom reveals the candy to be a destructive disastrous pathway.

 

The loving Lord God fills me with strength I did not know. This strength reminds me I am here with purpose. Right now my purpose is to wait and to be open to my God. That is the focus of who and what I am right now. That is my only purpose at this moment!

 

So today I know that the devil will tempt me. I know that this temptation will come when I least expect. I know that there is the chance I might fall once more. I also know wisdom will be here in me helping me to know and guiding me to do what it is I am here for.

 

I call on this wisdom now before I am tempted. I ask of you, O Wisdom, strengthen me before the battle. Stay with me when the battle begins and do not desert me. Help me to remain steadfast until the Lord has prepared the place where I am to do something else.

 

 

April 21, 2988

 

Tonight Linda and I are to be interviewed by the people in Alaska for the job there. In a few minutes we will go over the questions that they sent us. These questions fair and it would seem that they are going to ask them of everyone they are interviewing. We are very much in an expectant mood. If this is not where you, Lord, want us to be, if this is preparation for something else, so be it. We are trying to be really open to your will. Hang on tightly to us and make your will most clear, dear God. With us: you need to speak very loudly because we might misinterpret your words if you do not.

 

Today has been a very good day so far. Linda got her glasses and they were about $40 less than I expected them to be. I won $50 on an instant lottery. I don't think I have spent over $10 on lottery tickets in the 3 1/2 months Florida has had a lottery. It was really a neat feeling.

 

We put it in the bank.

 

Yesterday we received a most unexpected call from a man in Ohio. We had applied for a church position there about 5-6 weeks ago and heard not a word. Yesterday this man called and spoke with us for about 15-20 minutes. He indicated he felt strongly enough about us to have the pastor call us and talk with us. He also said he would go ahead and check out our references. That is fine with us, Lord, as you know.

 

Lord, I really would like to think that the call yesterday and the interview tonight is a statement from you to us to continue to be patent, that you have a special place prepared for us where we can be who we are and who you want us to be. Lord, I hope so. I am trying so hard not to read more into this than I should.

 

Lord God, can you see I am trying to remain faithful and not waiver? I hope so.

 

Please God do not let us say or do anything that would embarrass you or us in this interview tonight. Please God let us not lie or exaggerate or do anything in any way that you would not want us to do. O Wisdom come and dwell in us in a clear obvious way this night.

 

Thank you Lord for the winning ticket and for loving me.

 

 

April 22, 1988

 

The interview last night went so much better than we had dreamed it would go. I think we made a very good impression. We were upfront, honest, and friendly. We showed knowledge and wisdom was with us. They said we would know if we got the job by this coming Monday or Tuesday. One of their last questions was very direct...do you really want this job? ... Well you know what our answer was.

 

Now so often in the past we have had reason to believe that we had job. We are afraid to believe, to expect, and yet we do believe and we do hope.

 

We found out this morning that the person Devine Mercy offered their job to turned it down. We also found out that someone new is being interviewed this day. It seems after all we were not even the second choice. There must be a reason why.

 

God, I know I should say that if we don't get the job in Alaska or anywhere it is fine. I know that I should have the courage and faith to say that whatever you do with us is fine. And, Linda and I both really do say and believe that. I think you understand how hopeful we are and yet how very much afraid we are. The fear is real of being rejected once more. I just know you have the right place for us. With your help we will wait for that place, wherever it is.

 

Until we here from Alaska, we will be trying to avoid being terribly tense. We will be tense and uptight and worried. It would seem that we need the wisdom to avoid all that. So Lord, you are wisdom. Come and dwell in us.

 

Speak loud and clear Lord. Show us and tell us exactly what to do. Lord, you most probably will have to physically lift us up and place us where we should be because we are trying so hard we probably will miss the most important of your messages.

 

Thank you for yesterday. It was a great and glorious day and we really enjoyed it.

 

Thank you for being our God.

 

 

 

April 23, 1988

 

1:00 am–April 24

 

I did not forget Lord, as you know. I surprised Linda and Jamie with a trip to Sea World in Orlando. I know we did not have the funds to really spare, but you gave me the fifty dollars on Thursday and we were all so tense waiting to find out if we are going to get the job in Alaska or not.

 

We had a really great day.

 

On the way home the clutch went out of the car. Of course we only have 176,600 miles on the car, it is really gone this time.

 

We were stranded on the Bee Line about thirty miles from my home and about 50 miles from my dad's. We were about a quarter of a mile from a correctional institute. I walked there and called my dad. He came and rescued us, thank you God for my dad.

 

You know Lord of all the anger I have felt for so long at him. He is 70 years old. He is doing the best he can right now. So how is that different from me? I too am doing all I can at this moment. Maybe that is the lesson you wanted me to learn this night. A person can only do the best he or she can at that moment in time. What we did yesterday is gone. What we will do tomorrow is up in the air. What we do right now, is all we should worry about. Take care of this moment and take care of every moment and that is all one can ask.

 

Thank you God for this day.

 

You more than anyone know our need.

 

I need to ask you O God, I know 1 shouldn't, I know I should just expect but Lord I may w have this job please?

 

I love you and I thank you for taking care of us this night.

 

 

 

April 24, 1988

 

If I cannot understand what happens around me, how is it I expect to understand the thoughts of my God? I certainly am not the first man to ponder this question, I will not be the last one to consider it either. Neither will I be the first or the last man to have an answer. It does seem arrogant for a man to think that he could understand the thoughts and ways of God. The angel Uriel once addressed this very matter with a man far wiser than the man who writes this, yet, I know I have the answer.

 

This answer did not come to me on my own. I could not have the answer unless it were given me. The only one who could give such an answer – is the one who is the answer and that is my source. The answer is not the answer because I believe it to be, I want to be very clear that I do believe it to be. It will still be the answer even if no other being believed it. It will be the answer long after I am gone from this world. Ezra thought the angel Uriel was seeking an explanation. There was no logical explanation to the question posed by Uriel, this answer to the ways of God is not an explanation there is no explanation to God.

 

God is and what God is, is most clearly love.

If Uriel asked me the same questions that he asked Ezra, I would say without hesitancy and filled with wisdom, God is not limited. Humans see love as limiting. Human love is limiting. God's love is unlimited and unlimiting. God is love. All that is of God is love. All that has ever been of God is love. All that will ever be of God and all things are from God.

is love.

 

It does not matter that what you and I see is harsh. It does not matter that our very lives cannot be understood, all that matters is that at some point in our short life, each one of us must come to the knowledge that we were created by and for an unlimited loving God. We must know that although each of us rejects this loving God, none of us will ever be rejected by our God. If man is to be afraid of anything it is the following:

 

Man should be mortally afraid of rejecting God.

Man should be mortally afraid of refusing to believe.

Man should be mortally afraid of not loving his God.

Man should be mortally afraid of not loving his neighbor.

 

The neighbor I speak of is not limited to earth or space, this neighbor is not limited by sight, sound, or smell. This neighbor is not limited to the ones we would choose to love. We are to love our God and each other and we are to love ourselves. This is the wisdom of God that has dwelled on me this day!

 

 

 

April 25, 1988

 

I sit here and wait for the call that might not come, still I sit praying for it to come. I know that the choice might be someone else. That has happened so many times now I should expect it again. I do not, I expect a call inviting us to come and minister. There is a possibility they might call tomorrow night. The hope I have is for the call to come now, this night. We have so much hope this time based on what was said. This is a place we want to go so very much. This is a place where we might have a chance to be all that we might be, and all our Lord calls us to be, and the telephone does not ring and the pressure mounts. Have we been rejected one more time? We get so close only to be rejected and yet we keep trying. Is it we are so blind and deaf that we cannot see or hear? That this is not what our God is calling us to be? Lord God if it is not, then you, O Lord God, must rescue us. We are trying so hard to be faithful and strong. I just know you can see how hard we have tried to remain faithful.

 

O Lord God, this possibility came out of no possibility, you alone could have brought this possibility about. Just the possibility would have given us some hope, to be a finalist, to be interviewed, to have it go so well. Only you Lord, we believe only you let it be. Now Lord we are waiting and so very scared. We know of your love for us and let our faith in that love‑

has been tested and retested and tested even more. We have tried to say, do with us as you will, and you know we really mean it Lord Jesus, we really do. Could we have this job please Lord God?

 

I know I do not deserve it. Our only chance comes from your love. Your love is so great and unlimited, we need just a little of this unlimited Creator love this night. I have nothing to bargain with you for this favor my Lord. There is nothing I can offer that would be worth your love. All I have, Lord, is that which you created and, Lord, you do not create junk so what I have is of value, and Lord, I long ago gave that which I have to you. You know of course that the only thing I have is myself. There have been many stumbling and sputtering steps-have fallen more than I have stood upright. I am ashamed and truly sorry yet I am still here, please Lord let this be your will this one time.

 

John

 

 

April 26, 1988

 

The call did not come yesterday.

 

We are trying not to lose hope. There is tonight. The call will come tonight.

We are determined to believe. We refuse not to believe. God is with us. We have been faithful and adamant in our strong trust in our God's love for us.

 

We will not consider that God has abandoned us. It will never happen. God loves us and God knows what we need.

 

From our human point or view, we most desperately need to have a place where we can be ourselves and serve our God. We hope and pray that Alaska is such a place.

 

We are clear in our prayer, Lord Jesus, please give us this chance. Please!

 

We are so afraid. We do not want to be afraid and scared. We are!

 

I just know we have prayed as open and honest as we are capable of. Please Lord give us this huge gift.

 

We were sure you, O God, had spoken so clearly and that we would not be acceptable anywhere in your church. As much as we wanted the Alaska job, we did not think we had even the remotest of a chance. Then Lord, you stepped in and we were suddenly a finalist for the job. We were still afraid of the interview. We were afraid we would lie, we would say or do anything to get the job. We asked you not to let us do that. The interview was fine. We did fine, they seemed to like us and we liked them. They said they would call Monday or Tuesday night. They did not call Monday night. It is now Tuesday afternoon and you, O Lord, can see we are falling apart.

 

Come O Wisdom and dwell with us, give us the strength not to fall apart. Give us the strength to wait for their call. O Wisdom, O breath of God, O fire of belief, O loving son or God, O  Creator Lord God; let the call come soon and let us act in a pleasing way to you. We want to do your will. We want this job to be your will for us.

 

Thank you for all you have given us. Thank you for being our God. Thank you for giving me a wife and daughters that love me.

 

I want so much to have my life put in order. My priorities are becoming clearer each moment. What is important to me is to be all I can be as a husband, father, and servant of my God. What is important to me is not just to give good example but to be good example of how to serve God by loving God's people.

 

So Lord I sit and I wait and I pray.

 

I wish I could honestly say Lord it does not matter about this job, it matters to me much more than I wish it did. It matters not only that we are given the chance to do it, but that we do it in a way most pleasing to you.

 

 

I have put so much pressure on you Lord for this job, I am sorry. I just have no one else to turn to. You are my God. You alone rule all existence.

 

I believe in the existence of the devil or evil one. It is possible this is who is who is manipulating me and my wife. The devil's power is like a butter pat in the middle of ten thousand suns. Your love is more powerful than ten million suns. Your love can cause anything to be and to be right. Even though I have not handled this matter well, your love will make it right.

 

I believe this with all my being. I love you Lord God, I love you!

 

The call just came. We were the second choice. The lady asked if she could pass on the information they had about us to the Diocese because they were looking to fill some ministry positions. I said of course, the lady said we had such a good interview that the choice was very difficult, she was very nice.

 

I am numb. I have to tell Linda.

 

I guess this simply was not your will, Lord. Do you not have any good news for us?  I love you.

 

 

 

 

April 27, 1988

 

Funny isn't it how the day after is so much calmer.

You spend all that effort trying to believe it will happen, then when it doesn't, you are not even wasted. Is it resignation that no matter how closet, no matter how well you dot, it just isn't meant to be? Or is it the inner calm that tells you God has something else in mind for you if you will continue to be faithful?

 

I cannot for sure say what the answer is. There are times I am positive the Lord will take care of me. There are times I know God is taking care of me. There are times when all I have left is my faith in my God. There are times I do not know if my faith is enough. Sometimes I wonder if God has really abandoned me. Am I really now my own? Is this why my life is so confused? Then the wisdom of my God comes and dwells on me. This wisdom reassures me my God sees my faith and is with me. Wisdom tells me to continue to be strong and steadfast, wisdom assures me there is a tomorrow and God is with me.

 

We have no car and not enough money to buy a good car. We have no job and neither the credentials nor money to get one. We could start our own business if we had even a little more money. We do not like living here and cannot afford to move. If we can lie and get a job, we could make a good living. We can not lie because we have committed ourselves-‑ to being the best that we can by being open, honest, and loving. We are good ministers and have good references yet, because we do not possess the right degree, no job. This is not a situation we can correct in any way by ourselves. There is only one hope for us and that is the miracle of love, God's love for us is our hope - God will find a place for us.

 

We will be patient and we will not give up. We will remain firm in our trust in God's unlimited love for us. We will attempt to show patience and our God will see. Our God will not ignore us and will respond to us in love. Our God will come to our assistance and we will be ok. Our God will find a place for us and show us the way. Our prayer is the same, we slipped away from it last week, but be assure O Lord it is our real prayer. O loving Lord Creator God do not turn us loose. Do with us as you will and where you will and when you will. Physically pick us up and put us where you want us to be. Just allow us to be your servants and give us a place - where we can be all you want us to be and live as a family.

 

Amen!

 

 

 

April 28, 1988

 

I failed this day because I just got tired. I felt the weight of all the problems I now face. I did not start the day with the Eucharist. Most days that is how my day begins, with Eucharistic strength. This day I went to a car auction where I could not buy. This day I laid around and waited for something to do. My spirit was not even lifted when a priest called to inform me that his parish was leaning toward us. I believed him but I also know many others leaned toward choosing us but chose someone else and not us. I felt I needed to sexually dominate to prove something, what I long ago forgot and did not find in the acts. Instead I ended as always, more concerned about the one I love. Then to find absolution, I bought her sweets which we need not, so you can see it was not the very best of days for me. Then again I started to ask if I had had any good days lately, but there again the truth is yes, there have been good days lately. The excuse and of course there must be an excuse, is that I have had my fragile ego demolished so often in the last few months that I seem to have to find a way , even the wrong way, to reassure myself I still have an ego. I have been honest with my God and I have had faith. There are times line now when I wonder if there is any meaning, yet even now in my blandness I know fully that yes, God exists and God is love and God loves me.

 

I will not give up though I will it seems fall too often. I will continue to believe and to try to be the man I think my God wants me to be and I will succeed. My God will look down and see my effort even when I fail, my God will come and rescue me and find me the right place where I can earn an honest living by being all I can be and serving my God's people and my family. I am sorry for falling and I will fall less often in the future. You know, Lord,. I try so hard not to fall that when I do fall it is probably more devastating to me. I tend to dwell much too long on the failure when perhaps I should dwell more on the fact got up. I got up and I keep trying and I am getting better. Someday I will be the man my God has called me to be. I love you my God!

 

 

 

April 29, 1988

 

So often in the last few years I have had no choice but to ask and then accept from other people. If you ask and someone says yes, you must accept. If you accept even with no choice, you become obligated. Even if you pay a fare price, they did you the favor by selling, if you ask and they say no, always you are angry or hurt.

 

I am tired of having to ask and to accept. It is not that I am too good to ask and accept, obviously that is not the case as I have done both. I just want to be able to provide for myself and my family, all I need is an opportunity, just a chance. I know what it is to be competent, capable, and unemployed. I know what it is to be independent and have to depend on others. I know what it is to be angry, frustrated, and depressed. I know what it is to reach the point of being afraid to hope.

 

I want to think I am a man who cares for all men. I know I love the people of God and that includes everyone. There is not much left to I anymore, just what will be will be, and I cannot stand the loss of my identity, my being. It is like nothing I ever did counted for anything. I am beginning to believe I have embarrassed my life. My youngest daughter, my life, wants only a home of her own, My middle daughter, my love, has left because of my stress. My oldest daughter, my hope, tries so hard to understand. My wife, my all, does the things I am to ashamed to do myself.

 

How can a man have any self respect and have this happen? How can a man regain his being once it has been destroyed? How can a man put aside his failures and live, when everything he does meets with constant rejection? This man has not just tried faith, but has lived faithfully. This man has not just tried believing, but is a believer. This man has refused to give up and quit. This man does not try to pray, but prays openly and honestly. What is there left for this man but his belief in a loving God who sooner or later will rescue him.

 

This man is long past the limit of his ability to persevere, yet this man continues to try with all his remaining being. This man feels the hurt of having a loving wife and daughters yet, not being able to give them even the one thing he can. The only thing he has to give them is his deep love for them. They say it is enough, yet this man hurts to give them more. In his desperate efforts to give them more, he gives them less, for he sets so wound up in trying to figure a way out, he gets angry and snaps at the ones he most wants to love. Then this man feels even more like failure and is depressed.

 

It does not help for this man to realize that so many other men are in the same kind of situation. It does not help at all because his failure is all he can see. It helps so much the moments when his real being-‑ fights and screams to the surface and his love pours forth. Then he is able to give and to receive the love of all. It is just that no matter what he does or how hard he tries, it just will not work and he feels so very lost. I do not want people trying to help when they could help if they really wanted to, if they really wanted to. What difference does t make if I beg, ask, or pray to my God. I have been open, honest, and expecting and have  waited. The truth is now I will continue to wait for my God and the reason is because I: have no other choice. My own inability to effectively bring about a positive change, is well documented as being totally useless. I would rather wait on my God because I choose to wait. I have chosen to wait for God and I have been patient. I still ask my God to do with me as he wishes. Do not turn me loose. I mean what I have written and said, anything God, it is ok. You certainly can understand my need to do and be, now.

 

O Lord God I am so close to final despair. I am so very close to just giving up. Can you see the strength I have in fighting this thing? Can you tell I am still your loving servant? O Lord I so hope you can because I am losing sight. Please restore me and strengthen me so I can be again. It is time for the angels from Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, and Uriel, to Aunt Alice, Shirley, and my guardian to come and prop me up. It is time for something enormously wonderful to happen to me. I am expecting the great miracle to happen. I am expecting my God's love to overwhelm my hurt and despair. I am expecting a job, a car, a home, and a way. To provide for my family and to be the man I know my God lovingly created me to be.

 

John