February 1

February 1, 1988

One of the most popular movies of last year was the movie, Fatal Attraction. An incredible number of people paid an even more incredible amount of money to go see this movie. I had heard and read a little about what the movie was about and frankly, I was intrigued. I mean supposedly this movie is one of the great thrillers of recent times. I am an out and out Michael Douglas fan, no doubt partially because I was an out and out Kirk Douglas fan also. But the subject matter did not appeal to me and so I put off going to see this movie.

Now let's be truthful. I am a real movie person. I love movies. Usually I can find something to enjoy in most any movie I go see.

Well, I found myself one night with something very unusual for me. Time alone. I had gone to upstate New York to pick up my daughter at college and bring her back home for the holidays. That night before we left for home, she went out for a final night out with a friend. I did not mind but I was alone. I looked for a movie to go to and found a real bargain or so it seemed. Fatal attraction for one dollar. Well I simply could not pass it up.

Michael Douglas was married to a beautiful woman who apparently loved him and had a very beautiful daughter who loved him. He seemed to love them. Inside of twenty minutes into the movie, he found himself alone for a weekend. Now I was alone so I could empathize with him. It isn't much fun. But he managed. Boy did he manage. He allowed himself to set aside his feelings for his wife and daughter long enough to rather easily be seduced by another young woman who did not really care what his married situation was.

After he has sex very lustfully, and we in the audience were treated(?) To some very graphic sexual scenes, well, Michael is ready to go back to being a happily married daddy as though nothing has happened. His sex toy did not want that to happen. She tries to rather clumsily kill herself and sure enough mike's got to take care of her. Some story, right. Thriller of the year.

Now I always thought some of the fun of a thriller was not knowing what was going to happen next. We all knew exactly what was happening in this movie. I got up and left before the exciting twelve to fifteen final minutes. Actually I left a lot before then.

Let's see if I got this right. I am a married man alone, away from home, and lonely, so I go to see the thriller of the year. I see a man risk everything most men ever want, or work for all their life, a loving wife and child, plus his career. All for sexual intercourse with an exciting woman who wanted him for the moment. The woman gets mad when the man wants to go back to his wife and child and acts as though what happened between them was just a moment of savage lust. The woman scorned follows mike and wife to their new home, makes friends with mikes wife. Mike tells her to stop. She doesn't like that. She tries to kill mike and wife and maybe kid. I did not stay for that part. I bet mike and wife and kid survive.

It wasn't worth my dollar.

I think movies can be both graphic and meaningful. Two movies, Missing and Salvador come to mind. I think a movie can make you feel good all over and ET comes quickly to mind. I think sex in a movie can sometimes add to the enjoyment of a movie. I don't know why, certainly it was immoral, but I was not uncomfortable in the movie an officer and a gentleman. I understood the movie-maybe it just brought back our own memories of my time in officer candidate school. Sex was very explosive and breathless between us back then. Partially because we were so young and so scared about so much. We understood an officer and a gentleman.

I remember coming out of midnight cowboy and hearing everyone rave about how great it was. My wife and I looked at each other and both agreed we thought it was a horrible movie. The whole story revolves around a drug addict and a male prostitute. I remember coming out of the movie, guess who's coming to dinner, on the other hand feeling good. It was a super movie, if not very realistic, at the very least, very enjoyable.

Fatal attraction was like Midnight Cowboy. The story was wrong. Because of the story line, it did not matter that the acting was superb. Now I know that fatal attraction may well be voted the best picture of the year. Wouldn't that say something to all of us? Shouldn't the best movie of any year be the movie that brought the most enjoyment to the most people? Maybe fatal attraction did that. I really wonder. I wonder how many people went to see it because they heard it was so good and after seeing it felt almost obliged to agree. I wonder how many husbands and wives really felt comfortable in that movie. I wonder what good comes out of a movie like that. What did it teach? What did it say about the world we live in? What does it say about our view of marriage when we support movies that make a thriller out of the acts of violating all that is sacred about marriage? Maybe the last few minutes were extremely exciting and I certainly agree there is a certain special enjoyment to a special thriller. Anyone who has ever been to an Alfred Hitchcock movie knows exactly what I mean. I just did not want to get my thrills watching an adulterous deranged woman try to kill her former sex partner and his wife. I was just a little disappointed, not surprised, disappointed, that so many others did want to get their thrills that way.

Well, I've held that in for about two months. I'm glad I got it out.

February 2, 1988

Today was the feast of the presentation of Jesus in the temple by his parents, Mary and Joseph. It is a special day for many reasons. I like to think of it as the coming out of Jesus, actually, Mary and Joseph took Jesus there to fulfill the law of their God which required that every first born male should be dedicated to the Lord. In the act of doing this thing, a man to whom it had been promised by God that he would live to see the Lord's promised messiah, took the child Jesus in his arms and acknowledged aloud that Jesus was the light of the world. At the very same time this man was acknowledging Jesus as the Lord's messiah, Anna, a very old woman also began to speak of who the child Jesus was to all who would listen.

Jesus was presented by his earthly parents in accordance with the law. Mary and Joseph presented Jesus to God as their man child. At once the Lord made it clear that although Jesus was a man child, let there be no doubt as to who Jesus really was.

To Mary and Joseph this public acknowledgement by two very wise and well respected people or God was a clear reminder that this child had indeed come to them in a most special way. It was a clear reminder that Jesus had been placed in their human care but also that he, Jesus, was firmly in the Lord God's care. you know after what they had been through, fleeing in the night after Jesus' birth and all, I wondered if maybe Mary and Joseph were growing just a little too possessive. I mean they loved this Jesus child. Maybe when they presented him to his real father, and his real father made it so clear once again to Mary and Joseph just who Jesus was, maybe they felt honored at being entrusted with such responsibility. Maybe they because they were of human nature, felt a little twinge of sadness over the realization that someday Jesus would leave them and go about what it was that he was put on this earth for. If they did feel such sadness, I think it would even make them more special to me. I would have felt somewhat that way if I was Joseph and Jesus had been entrusted to me.

I would also have been honored, of course. I think I would have asked the Lord at least once or twice, why me? Why entrust me with the raising of the hope of the world? If Mary was my wife, I think perhaps our relationship would have become so special that nothing could have come between us.

A comment or two from the carpenter, Joseph.

You see, as husband and wife, we 'together were given this special honor. God did not choose Mary by herself. God knew it would take a very understanding, gentle, and special man to be not only the father of Jesus but the husband of Mary. For me both jobs shared the same importance. I know, you would think Joseph would be more concerned with the raising of the son of God. But you see, %, Joseph knew, Jesus was the son of God. Ultimately he was going to be fine. Mary on the other hand as perfect as she was and she was perfect in every manner, yet, Mary was of human nature. She needed a strong gentle shoulder to lean on and to provide her with the support she needed. She was very young. She was a natural mother from the first moment of Jesus' human life. Mary not only mothered our, God's and our human son, she gave him direction that only a mother could give. Mary was always there for me. Yep, I'd get tired and down a little especially as I got older. You know, I, Joseph was much, much older than Mary. Mary's wifely love and devotion to me sustained me every time I thought of what lay ahead for Jesus. No one knows this, but Mary and I, Joseph had been given a vision of where and what Jesus would be enduring. No, God did not

just drop Jesus in on us and leave us. God the father was there in every way all the time we were on this journey.

I said earlier that Mary was of human nature. That might have implied I was not. Let me assure you I was most human. You know people tend to confuse holiness with loving, trusting and obeying God. I was not especially holy. I was a man of the world. Yet God still chose me. I knew that my God did not make mistakes. If God chose me, I'd be ok. I just knew God would give me whatever strength and answers I needed to do the job he had given me. I loved God, I trusted him and I did my darndest to obey God, but, holy, I never ever thought of myself that way. Mary, now that was a beautiful and yes a holy lady. Now if you took your child for let's say a formal baptism, you would kind of expect every one to of course make over the child. You might if you were human, expect people to kind of pat you on the back a little and tell you what a good job you did, you know, make over you a little also. Well, that didn't quite happen like we thought it would. Instead these two very well respected wise people of God announced to everyone in a rather loud voice just who our son really was.

I think Mary and I needed that. It sort of brought us back down to reality. You can say without a doubt, we remembered who Jesus was and where he had come from.

Well I guess you can see why this day was such a special day for me.

February 3, 1988

Have you ever been guilty of trying so hard to be considerate, that you ended up being inconsiderate? You know what I mean, you want to go see one movie and you know your wife wants to go see another movie so out of consideration for each others feelings you go see something entirely different and wind up totally bored. It has happened to me and about much more important things than just r movie.

For example, sex. Sometimes I am really attracted to my wife and would like to have a spontaneous loving act right then. Often she will not even be aware that I felt that way until much later. You see, I really love my wife and she really loves me so we try to be considerate of each other. In trying to be considerate toward her often the reason I do not simply whisper something sweet, etc. In her ear is that I am aware that she maybe doesn't feel good, or perhaps I am aware of just how tired she is or any number of other reasons. All of these reasons are real and would more than justify my claim of being considerate. She will do the same thing to me.

The problem is that in trying to be considerate we may not be giving the other person a chance to really express their feelings about what it is we are being so considerate about. Perhaps my wife as yucky as she is feeling, would really like to be made love with. Perhaps the act of love would pick up her spirits.

I think what I am so poorly trying to say is that directness has its place. Darling, I know you'd like to see this movie so well see my choice some other time. Darling, I know you are feeling yucky yet you look so wonderful to me I wondered if... And on the wife's part there must be honesty. Hey, it's always a pleasure making love with you but you're right, I just don't feel like it right now.

Of course the difficult part of this is that feelings get in the way of good sense. We take offense if we do not get the answer we expect. Hey I do too. All of us do. If we know we are going to take offense at the wrong answer then why bother to ask. If we know the answer before we ask there is no need ask. It would seem that we should ask the question and we should not take offense at an answer that is not to our liking. If we can do that then we really are trying to be considerate.

So I guess what I have written this day is that we should be considerate. We should ask when we have a need. We should not expect to receive the answer we would like every time we ask. We should not be offended when in fact we receive the quote, wrong answer. This I think is what consideration is all about.

February 4, 1988

There is chance involved in almost everything we are and we are involved in. Even the act of breathing involves chance. There is the off chance we might breathe in air that is so polluted by an unseen, unfelt, unsmelled substance that we might die from breathing what seems to be ordinary, even extraordinary good and pure air.

Obviously there is chance every time we get into a car. Who really knows if someone else might not drive into us and kill us even if we are a very good driver and are being again extra careful. Can we control any one of the other people driving cars at the same time we are driving?

What about the chance involved when we get on an airplane" you know the saying, what goes up must come down. What if our pilot suddenly decides to kill us all? Do you really think you could stop him?

How about going to a safe fast food place like a McDonalds? What could be safer than a McDonalds? What if some demented person takes a gun into McDonalds just as you are there? What if he or she decides simply to shoot and kill everyone in sight at that McDonalds? It has happened at least once, could it not happen again?

Chance is involved in so much that sometimes we begin to think our life is controlled by chance. Haven't you ever thought that who you are was not near as important as who you knew? How often it happens that the most successful people are the ones who are in the right place at the right time. At least it seems as if some people just know when or where to be.

Through the chance of birth you were born poor. Another person was blessed with parents having money so it was a more prestigious school for them then you could afford and so they have the better job.

Certainly by chance you were born white and not yellow or black or red.

By chance you were born a free man in America. Chance dictated that you were not born a slave before the civil war.

For sure then, or so it would seem, chance is really what determines your future along with determining who you are.

Where does God fit into chance? Does God fit into chance? And what about free will? Does chance negate free will?

First of all I don't see chance as having anything to do with anything at all about any of us. You and I are creations of God's infinite love. In a way we are explosions of God. It was not by chance that God created you or me. Indeed it was by and because of love that we were created. This love is a part of us from the beginning of our time and will never leave. Free will is the gift that our loving creator gave each of us in order to allow us individually and as community to choose to accept God's great gift of love. God does not take chances. We are a sure thing in the eyes of the Lord God. Our God knows each of

us in the most personal of ways. God knows if we really love him-God knows after any and every thing that has happened, just what it was that happened and who caused it, why it was done. If we are happy or sad and what the ramifications are. What's more God knows all this all before we ever think of doing it. God's knowledge is what causes chance to be non existent.

Now is everything all planned out in every way? No indeed! Free will gives us the opportunity to change so much both before and after it has happened. God's all knowing does not negate our right to change everything. Even though God knows what is and what will be, God does not interfere. God simply and always loves man.

Chance comes about only when there is no choice. If there is choice, there is free will. What ever free will chooses is not chance but is the act of living out opportunity granted to each of us in our creation. There is never no choice. Maybe the choice will end up with the same result. It does not matter. There is always choice. Again this choice is a result of each creation of mankind by God having the gift of free will.

Free will is God's love acted out by man. When the action of free will is an action reflecting the acceptance of God's love within the, act, it is the ultimate act of love. When it is an act devoid of consideration that all acts include God's love, it is the worst kind of act. This act is never an act of chance but always an act of the choosing reflecting the free will gift that man received from a loving God at creation.

February 5, 1988

My expectations were not met today. Maybe I did not have them high enough, perhaps they were too high. In either case the hopes I had for this day were not realized.

My wife and I are out of money. We refuse to go out and get just any kind of a job. You know a $3.50 per hour make do job. First of all it wouldn't pay the rent and utilities on the small apartment we have. The most important reason is that we, my wife and I, are clinging with what is left in our being to the belief that we are ministers. We believe God has called us to be his full time workers. We know it is hard to find a job that will support us even minimally within our church. We are committed to trying.

It seems we are ill prepared paper wise for any quote decent position anywhere. That includes the church. For one thing we are too old for the church. Kids fresh out of college are more preferred than middle aged people who have lived their faith but do not possess the right paper-because we spent most of our life as self employed retailers, the open market has few if any jobs for us.

The best thing we do is work for ourselves. We are good at things that include personal contact with people. We are good at caring about and loving people. We are not good at letting things happen. We are just plain awful at seeing a problem and letting it lie.

I do not like doing income taxes but through the years I have developed the know-how and a talent for getting the information from people that is necessary to fill our their tax forms accurately. For $50 we have advertised in a free paper that prints 80,000 copies a week. Four weeks cost us a total of $50. It is a nice ad and is business card size. The ad came out yesterday. Usually the first two days after an ad comes out are the busiest. So for this week we have received one call and the appointment was cancelled. This is the only thing we can do to make money to pay our rent and utilities and it is not happening. We do not have the money to advertise elsewhere.

We can do nothing but wait and hope.

If we were trying to do a terrible thing and we were prevented from doing that thing, we would be grateful. Is this a terrible thing we are trying to do? We are trying to make enough money to support ourselves. Our car has 170,000 miles on it and needs in order: a clutch, new brakes, shocks, a new or rebuilt rear end, a wheel bushing and more. We are trying to raise enough money to buy a $1500 used car. We are trying to raise enough money to pay our rent. What is it owe are doing so terrible?

I charge less than other tax preparers and I do a good job.

Lord, you can see it would be easy for my wife and me to give up and yet you did see that today instead of giving in to depression, you know what we did. That's right Lord. You heard us together praying to you, begging you not to turn us loose. Whatever you want to do with us, it is fine, Lord. Even now as we clearly are confused about what you want us to do, we are very clear about our desire to be used by you and to serve you.

So hear we are Lord. We are tired once more and we are scared. We are worried and we are sick. We do not know about today much less tomorrow. So what's the bottom line?

It is still the same thing. Hear we are, Lord. We belong to you and we are yours. What ever it is you are doing with us right now, no matter how desperate and hard it is on us, it's ok. We know you are our God. We believe in you and we know of your love. We can not give up. If it is in your plans for us, please help us. Please know how hard things are right now and how hard we are trying to be what we think you want us to be. Don't turn us loose. Squeeze us tight, Lord, with your love.

You have heard our lamentations, Lord. As with Hanna of old, please answer us. We love you and we accept your love for us.

John

February 6, 1 988

What am I supposed to write about this day? The answer is of course, nothing. You see, I am not supposed to write about anything any day ever. This is something I do because I think it is what my God wants me to do. I do it to show my love and my respect for my God.

So I write today.

I write I lost my temper and screamed and yelled at my wife who next to my God I love most of all in this world. I write I screamed and yelled and almost gave up on the love of my God. And you know what, there was not a huge disaster today to cause all this. I did all that because for a while I lost sight of who I am. I fell into a hole that was waiting to swallow me up. It came so very close to doing that. I let it. I seemed to have no control over who I was or what I was doing. I just wanted to strike out to hit back to get even, and at who, my God, my wife.

I love my God and I made a mistake today. I almost allowed myself to give up. You know that I have written and I believe that a person can do nothing ever under any circumstance to cause God not to love that person. God in person told me very clear that God loved me. I like you am very precious to God. These are not just idle words to me. They are the truth I live by. Today I was willing to believe that all I believe in was a lie.

I say this happened because I wanted so much to better my wife and children's lives. The truth I think is I wanted to better my life. I have been praying and saying to God that all I wanted was for God to do with me what God wanted to do. It didn't matter so long as God did not turn me loose. Today when God refused to turn me loose and was doing with me what God must want to do with me, I got so frustrated and angry I let loose in an uncontrolled stupid manner. I still have not recovered.

My wife says she has. My wife says she still loves me. My wife says she understands. I understand. I have not recovered. I understand and I know why I was so frustrated and still I can not accept.

Gob's love came pouring out to me and I prayed and tried to say I am sorry and I made a solemn vow to not let this happen again and I mean it. Yet I am still angry, at myself. How could I lose my temper at someone who loves me? How could I loose my trust, even for one second, in the God I believe in and serve? What kind of man am I?

The answer probably is I am just a man. The human part of me handled as much as it could and exploded. The God part of me rescued me before it went too far. The human part of me thinks it went on way too far. The God part of me urges me to forgive myself and get on with being who I really am.

I heard a man say to pray to sod, not bargain with him. Maybe I had been bargaining and when I thought I had kept my bargain and God did not keep his bargain as I thought he would or should, I could not handle it'.

Let me be most clear! This is no bargain! I am my God's servant. What ever God does with me is fine! I will do what my God wants me to do. No matter what. Now God, no bargains, but please do not give up on me. Do not turn me loose. Hang on to me God. I love you and I know you love me. No excuses, I just screwed up for a while today. I'm sorry as you know. But God, I am still here. I am still trying. I am still determined to do your will. So carry on God, whether I'm ready or not.

February 7, 1988

Everything is relative. When my father was an Air Force sergeant in 1963, he was provided housing and utilities on the base he lived. He also was paid $310 per month on which he bought food for himself, his wife and his five children. He also managed to give his two teenagers a monthly allowance.

Today I managed to earn $180 in about five hours preparing two income tax returns. That amounted to about $36 per hour.

My oldest daughter, Gigi, graduated last may from a catholic college with over 120 credit hours earned. At $160 per credit hour, her education cost about $19,200 plus room and board of about $15,000 over the four year period. She still owes about $12,500 for that education.

The first car my wife and I bought was a 1965 mustang we purchased used in June of 1966. It cost us $2195. We purchased a custom van new in 1985 for over $16750.

So what does this all mean? Well, let's take a new car. Our neighbors bought a four year old compact car for $4300. They could have bought a brand new 1988 car for $5000. Now mind you they would have had to look hard and bargain and accepted a car with perhaps no air conditioning but it would have been new.

My nineteen year old daughter has attended two years of public college and is only in debt $1,400. True the schools she has attended are not very prestigious or private, but, she is getting an education.

I think sometimes we are more preoccupied with what our appearances are than what is really important. We care more about what we think someone will think about us, than what we think about ourselves.

It seems to me that who and what we are is more important than who and what someone thinks we are.

It seems to me that at some point in our life we must decide exactly who and what we are. We have to decide just what is really important-maybe we should do that soon. Perhaps even right now!

February 8, 1988

Have you ever noticed how much the weather affects how you feel? Today was a dark, drizzly day. Now I have reason to be depressed but I have been fighting depression and not giving into it. No matter how hard I tried to keep busy, to stay active, to feel alive, I just could not completely bring it off. The cool dark dampness of a wet yet not rainy day kept permeating my being and closing off my spirit.

Now had today been bright clear and sunny, perhaps it would not have mattered. Maybe the only reason the weather affects our being is because we think it does. Certainly I would find it difficult to justify saying the weather came and imposed a state of mind on me. On the other hand, since I already was in a down depressed way, maybe the darkness of the day simply added on to my depression.

Had the day been bright clear and sunny, perhaps, I could have grasped on to the beauty of such a day and its beauty would have lifted me at least for the moment from my doldrums. I think it is a possibility.

Certainly I did not look for any natural beauty in the weather of this day. The darkness and dampness inhibited any desire on my part to find anything good about anything. Instead of encouraging me to look for goodness, the day seemed to enforce my doldrums being.

Now since I can not see how the weather can actually cause these feelings, I tend to say that the feelings must come from within my soul. Had I wanted to find good in the weather, I know I could have. Sitting here it occurs to me how much I prefer a cool wet day like today over a steamy hot summer day. But it is only now after the day is almost gone that I even consider what is good and pleasant about this day.

Sometimes I think we want to feel depressed. Sometimes I think we allow ourselves to become depressed. I think we do this sometimes, in order to allow someone to reach out to us and bring us out of our depression. Depression can be a way of reaching out for help. Now understand I did not say depression was the only way or the right way. I just think that in dwelling in depression we are allowing ourselves to be suffocated. In looking for nothing good in the weather, even being aware it was a quote miserable day outside, I was willing to allow my depression to continue. That is not good or healthy.

So what should we do about depression? First and most important recognize that depression is real. Understand that there are valid and real reasons to feel depressed. You can not handle depression until we acknowledge that we are depressed. Stay busy. Make work if you have none. Find something to do. Get out. Go to a movie, (a comedy not a drama}, find someone happy to be around. Finally if you just can not shake depression, seek professional help.

Above all else ask God to give you the strength to survive.

You know, when you can not find anything to be happy about, when you feel unloved, when there is no one physically present to love you, a person can feel very lost. It is at this time you are most vulnerable. It is also at this time that we simply need to remind us that the one who created us is still with us and above all else, loves us. God will not abandon you or me. In God's love for us is a strength that is so powerful and unlimited that we can conquer anything. It is in God's love that depression can be coped with.

So in closing I would like to describe the day once more to you. For a February day it was delightfully warm. Here in Florida, a delightful damp day like today is a most gentle reminder of winter. Without imposing the frigidness of a northern winter day, this day served to remind me of the pleasant weather conditions my family and I have enjoyed this winter in Florida.

February 9, 1988

My wife and I attended the first night of a "life in the spirit" seminar. "Life in the spirit" is learning about the reality of God's ever present love in your life. It last for seven weeks. For those seven weeks people come together in community to do nothing except praise their God and in their praising of God feel hiss love among them in a special way through his holy spirit. There is not only praise, glorious music, and sharing but also a definite teaching. Tonight's beginning teaching was on God's ever present love.

The speaker talked about Job and the God Job seemed to know. He said that the God that looked down on Job and conversed with the devil about Job seemed to be a God that was kind of mean. This God would say to the devil, "Job is a good man. Do anything you (the devil) want to, to Job. It doesn't matter because Job will not turn away from me." The devil proceeded to take poor Job apart. I mean the devil would do something terrible to Job, and, Job would not turn away from God. God would say, "see, Mr. devil, I told you he would not falter. Do something else to Job." Sure enough the devil did something else to Job.

Now the speaker went on to say that the God he knew, and the God that created us from love, and the God who sent us his son become flesh, was not anything like that. I thought I had examined Job from almost every angle. I was wrong. I never considered the story as I just told it. After listening to this speaker, my wife was a little upset. She quickly pointed out to me she had not considered the story of Job in this particular light either.

It seems to me there is more than just a little merit however, in this teaching. The speaker was not taking away from Job's unending faith in a loving creator God. Indeed just the opposite. Job believed in 14 loving and just God. Job's complete faith is the story of Job.

This speaker pointed out that Jesus was a real human, just like you and 1. Jesus knew what pain, humiliation, agony of every kind was. Jesus came close to giving up and yet had faith enough not to. It is exactly because Jesus was a human with all the pain of humanity that he, Jesus, God, could never be like the God talking with the devil in the story of Job. The basic reason is love. Jesus loves us enough to become one of us and share in every way our pain. No God that loves you and I that much could ever be mean to us.

For me it even goes deeper yet. I believe the essence of our creator God is love. I believe another word for God is love. I also know that bows love is so awesome and powerful and unending and limitless that all creation is an explosion of this love. This love dwells within each of us from the moment of our life creation (conception), forever. This is my God. This is your God and this is the God of the speaker this night.

This is not the God who was described in the book of Job.

February 10, 1988

J was explaining to a man today my understanding of a particular story in the bible. He listened and then said,-this sounds like an autobiography." I thought for a moment and then concurred. I guess what I was saying is that we, you and I, come to faith through our own experience. I could relate to this particular story by applying the situation to my own life. By doing this, the meaning of the story became very clear for me. It became so clear, I was able to explain it clearly to someone else.

I know when we read the bible, there is a tendency on our part to not understand. It becomes very easy for us to simply take the words as they are written, quite literally. I question if that is the way that God meant us to use the bible.

It seems to me that the Holy Spirit came and dwelled in scripture writers and imparted in them a part of a story. In turn, these writers, affected by the world of their time, sat down and tried to put into words their understanding of what God had asked them to write.

Unfortunately the last of the original scripture writers died over a thousand years ago. The world they lived in was so vastly different than the world the bible is now serving. I can not help but think that these same writers would believe that God would inspire a whole new group of scripture writers that could relate the same word of God to the present world.

For whatever reason, we seem to be scared that anyone might be able to write scripture in today's world. I have never understood why scripture seemed to cease being written. Why did God suddenly stop speaking? Was there not one person that God could still talk to? Is there not one person on this earth that could be inspired by the Holy Spirit to write scripture? A more pertinent question might be, would any of us recognize a modern day writer of scripture? I think not. Too bad. Too bad because I know that God has not stopped speaking. I know that God is still talking and I know that someone is writing scripture even at this moment. I also know that this scripture will never in this present day be accepted as scripture. I would not be surprised, however, if three hundred years from now, the world looks back on this time and finds the word of God in written form written in this age.

I am not saying the bible as we know it is to be displaced. I am saying that the bible is a living thing. I believe it is quite possible that new books of the bible are being written right now. I believe these new books are just as important as the "old" books of the bible are. I believe these new books are the word of God.

I also think that just as the writers of old were affected by the world they lived in, so will the writers of today's "gospels" be affected. Just as the people of yesteryear could easily relate to what was in written word, the people of tomorrow will also relate easily to what is being written today. In the future the people will read what is written today and find a way to relate to it in their world. In that world new writers of scripture will come forth and write new scripture for the people of their tomorrow. I really think that is how the bible worms. God's word is alive in us as it was alive in the scripture writers of yesterday. As our understanding of God and his word grows, there will be new revelations from God to man. Man will write these new understandings down and the bible will grow.

You know of course I could be wrong.

I treasure the bible. I have grown to love what is written. The more I come to understand and love the bible, the more I am sure there is yet more to be written.

February 13, 1988

It is necessary to live a certain pain before you can understand that pain? Do you have to be cold, hungry, jobless and penniless before you can understand what it is that you are understanding? Would you have to have some kind of physical pain that is excruciating before you can understand the pain Jesus had being nailed to a cross for you and I? If it is true you must experience pain before you can really understand it, then is it also true for love?

I said I believe it is true. I don't know. I'm not sure any one of us really knows.

When I had enough money to take my wife and children on a two week vacation every Christmas I could not understand how a person could live as I now do. When we were spending $125 a night at the Disney World Contemporary Hotel, along with $50-$60 dinners every night not to say anything about the admission cost to Disney world and any spending money we might have spent, I would have said it was impossible for a family to live for a week much less a whole month on what we spent then in a single day. Yet it is possible. We survived this last month on less than $650. The very last time we visited Disney world a little over four years ago, we spent $135 for a room, $25 for breakfast, $25 for lunch, for dinner, around $125 for admission, $120 for a special show, and a little over $100 on gifts etc. Not counting what it cost us to travel to get there and to get back we spent around $600 that day. I admit that it was not our ordinary vacation day but we still spent" the money.

More than that I used to think that I would never have to take money or food from anyone. I would always be able to provide for my family. Now I have accepted food and money and been very grateful for the generosity of God's people. Am I less a man than I once was? I suppose there are those that would think I am. Sometimes when I am feeling depressed I think so. But for sure I have a new and different understanding of the value of money. Even if we suddenly come into money, even if we have more than we could ever need or use, I don't think I could ever use money so indifferently again. I know what it means to hurt and I have felt the hurt that so many of God's people feel. It is a hurt based on fear. It is the fear of losing your self worth. It is the fear of not being able to take care of your family's basic needs. It is the reality of not being able to get a job. It is the reality of being hungry and seeing your family hungry. It is the reality of being around and with others who are looked down on by their fellow man as less than equal because they don't have. There can be no doubt that who I am today comes directly out of my life experience.

In my case, yes, I had to first hand find this out. I read about it and I heard about it and it made no difference. I was indifferent to the needs and hurts of others. No longer is that true. I honestly think that I would never have come to my present understanding of people had not my life changed so dramatically.

The strange thing is that although there are times of deep depression and anger and much worry, I like what I am and what I am becoming. I think I am on my way to being a Christian. I wasn't before.

It seems to me that yes you must first hand experience hurt, pain, rejection, and scorn before you can really understand what they mean. Yet if you really experience these things you will be changed and once changed you find yourself continually changing and growing. It is a most painful journey and there are times when I wish I could retreat and find my way back to where I once was. That is the human part of me, the physical part of me. The God part of me soon rejects those feelings and lifts me up and strengthens me so I can continue this journey.

You see the most important part of this journey is that everything I do, say, think, and feel includes God. God has become central to my life. That is a major change in my life.

One of the most special things I have learned on this journey is that God became man and endured the physical pain and humiliation of rejection and crucifixion so that God, Jesus, would know first hand the pain and suffering of God's people. God understands my hurt. God knows my depression. God feels my anger. Why? How? God suffered everything I suffer or endure first hand.

I remember when we first began this journey and had stopped at a rest area in Iowa. A couple had put a notice up in the restrooms asking for help. They were out of money and stranded. We had $11,000 on us but gave them nothing because we could not, and did not really want to understand their need. Recently we had $15.75 total and a neighbor needed $5. There was no hesitation, of course we gave it to her and reassured her not to worry about paying it back. Quite a different attitude.

It is easy to say you understand. It is easy to want to understand. It takes some courage to try to understand. I just don't think you can understand until you have some related experience. I know, you don't have to be raped to hate and despise the act of rape. But I think only someone who has endured rape really understands the humiliation, terror, and other horror that goes along with being raped.

I know. Some things you don't ever want to find out about first hand. There are some important things though that all of us need to know. These things have to do with the self worth of every human being. This learning is one of the things that must be learned and understood from first hand experience.

February 14, 1988

Today is Valentine's Day. My daughter, Nikki, is being visited by her first real boy friend. She calls him her fiancé. Maybe he is and then again so what if he is just first young love.

Watching them brings back memories. Special memories of when Linda, my wife of almost twenty three years, and I were first married, even first engaged. We got engaged officially on Friday, February 12. Officially because that is when I gave her a ring. It was a ring that I picked out at Zales Jewelers and bought with my mother's co-signature. It was a beautiful ring and cost the huge sum of around $300. I wanted Linda to like her ring so much. She loves it and treasures it more I could have hoped. The interesting thing is that I was so broke after the down payment that I could not even afford a seventy five cent movie. The next day, Valentine's Day, I visited her and could not help but notice twelve incredible red beautiful roses. It seems her most recent love before me had remembered Valentine's also.

It wasn't very funny then.

Our relationship survived that and so much more, but can you imagine? I had spent my last dime on an engagement ring and here she has red roses.

Watching my daughter tonight reminded me her mother when we finally got married, a whole six months after we first met. I remembered her as tiny and beautiful and perfect and then in the middle of my remembering, she asked me,-pre we really old enough to have a daughter have a boy come visit?" we both knew the answer. We both knew no answer was needed.

I thought of my first love and the number of young loves that I had experienced. I know that this young man is truly my daughter's first real romance. I hoped she would not jump into anything more permanent. Then I looked back at my wife, a short very plump incredible sexy and whole woman, forty years young, and I thought how glad I was I jumped.

I guess because Linda and I were so very young and immature when we got married, we assume that other young people as immature as we were could not possible make a marriage work. I don't know that is fair on our part. You see when God wants two people to live together in marriage, God gives those young people special gifts. I think if they decided they were really in love and seemed to have any kind of understanding of what marriage meant, in our love for each other and them, we'd say ok. I know we first would insist on some solid marriage preparation. That would seem to me to be a parental obligation. Such preparation would be God centered and include everything from sex to money and children. I think marriage preparation should include prayer and time. Time is important because it allows a man and woman the opportunity to step back and look long and steady at the person they are saying they want to spend the rest of their life as partners with.

Now I know Linda and I did not have such preparation. I also know we were not just lucky. It also has occurred to me that God would take care of them as God took care of us.

It is also true that they may not share the same determination not to allow their marriage to fail as Linda and I share. It is also true they may not share the same determination to make their marriage work no matter the personal cost that Linda and I share.

It is also true, and I hope it is not, that they may not allow God's love to be the center of their life as Linda and I have. Without the love of God, the need for God, the willingness to seek God's help; our marriage would not have lasted six months. This is what we most want and wish for our daughters.

Now we feel that because of the way we have raised our children, they have this intense and wonderful relationship with God that I just described. Time in a marriage preparation period allows our daughter the opportunity to discover if the one she wants to spend her life with/has this same relationship with his God.

It isn't just knowing that God is important to making a marriage work that is important. It isn't knowing that God is important to your life that is important. What is important is living your life in such a way that reflects this knowledge,

It's the doing that is important!

February 17, 1988

I am trying to be patient,

The Lord needs time to work,

I am trying to be thankful for any and all gifts given.

It is not easy to be patient or thankful when the need overshadows all else.

Sometimes the need demands such a huge miracle, small miracles are not noticed by the needy.

We should be thankful for any and all miracles, and we are,-we just need to be aware a miracle happened.

Patience means waiting for someone else to do something, the longer it is you have waited, the harder it is to wait. Patience means depending on someone else to fill a need, in this case God is the only hope to fill this need.

The reason that is, is because we have rejected the devil, the devil and his way is no longer an acceptable way. We have rejected the ways of the flesh for the ways of God, we are happy in our choice, we still need the miracle.

There are those that would make a good case – that God has indeed given up on us and gone on to others, they are quick to point out how lazy we are to wait for God, they think we have an unfounded foolish faith.

What they do not understand is the nature of man. You see, God not only made man but dwells forever in him, since God dwells forever within me, I do not fear his leaving, I know I have placed myself at God's disposal.

God has a purpose for me and this is a learning time, you see I have never been a patient man. You see I have never before with knowledge forsaken control, now I am learning patience and giving myself to God's control!

The truth is I do not know if I am doing the right thing, I suppose no one could know except God. I do know I have listened to what I heard my God say, and, I believe with all my being he knows I am trying!

Lord God, if I am not doing your will, I ask you instructions on what I am to do. Loving Lord God, I know you have heard me, with all I am, I await your answer.

February 18, 1988

I rode forty five miles today on a thirty mile per hour moped. It was a real experience.

I felt more than a little fear when big and even bigger cars passed very close to me. Their hot exhaust would both warm me and serve notice to me of their close presence.

My right hand was closed tightly on the throttle. After a short time this hand became almost numb. The short distance of ten miles in a car became an unending thirty minute ride on the moped. My rear end began to throb and feel every bump in the road.

Yet in a strange sort of way, there were some nice things that happened on this ride. I noticed birds in places I never noticed before. Not only did I notice more things I began to look at these things in a most comprehensive way. At thirty miles per hour, you not only see more but you tend to experience what you see. Every little thing becomes personal.

It was a clear pretty day. The temperature was around sixty five degrees and the sun was so bright so as to make the day seem even warmer. In between cars the air was very breathable.

It occurred to me that it would be nice to slow our lives down so that life could be experienced in the same manner as I experienced what I saw during my ride today. The thought also crossed my mind that in the slowing down of life, there would be noxious fumes to occasionally make us sick. If you slow your life down to experience the good, you can be sure that you will also be much more aware of the yucky as it seemed every time today that I would began to get just a little comfortable, a big car would roar past leaving a wake of foul fumes in its path, and, right in my face. I would keep on going almost in defiance of these cars and their fumes. I kept on going because I was headed somewhere specifically and I knew that the only way I would get there was to keep on going. I kept on going because I just knew fresh clean air would follow. It would seem that life is a lot like this ride I took today.

In life we try so hard to reach a goal. We know that in order to reach this goal, we must do certain things. We do these certain things and even then things don't turn out as we had planned. We don't give up because we just refuse to give up our dream. We don't give up because we just know that it will happen, whatever it is. The most important reason to not give up is that all things are possible for man when God is involved. If man is involved, God is involved. God resides within man. Man can not dismiss God from man's being. We do not give up because we are creations of hope. That unlimited and seemingly indomitable spirit that refuses to allow us to quit, hope, is the love of God within us.

There can be no question that life can be very uncomfortable. This ride today was most uncomfortable and left me with some real aches and pains.

I not only survived the ride today but in retrospect, I thoroughly enjoyed it. As difficult as life can be, and my life recently has been most difficult, I thoroughly enjoy living.

Perhaps this spirit of hope I was speaking of is what creates such an attitude in me. I think it is.

February 20, 1988

Unconditional Love.

Unconditional love is perhaps the single hardest thing a human can try to achieve. I have tried loving a most precious daughter unconditionally. I exploded first and then I somehow found the incredible courage to try to love unconditionally. Outwardly it would seem I did it. I am still so angry at her and so very hurt by her actions, I must really wonder if I actually did give her unconditional love.

Love without strings. Love without bargains. Unconditional love is this and yet even more. Accepting a human as they are without putting any other expectation on them. Loving without regard to their action. Loving without holding them responsible in any fashion for what they are doing. All of these things are unconditional love.

One of my problems with that is that I think a person is responsible for their actions. I believe a parent has an obligation to aid a child in their development from child to manhood. My wife says that ,yes we do have this responsibility, and yes once we have pointed out our understanding of the action being taken, we have to in unconditional allow that person to do and be as they wish.

Our daughter is 19 years old. She was attending a local community college. Her education was being financed by Pell Grants awarded to her on the basis of our income. Her aunt had given her the money for her books. She had registered as a state resident after attending school in another state for a year and a half as a state resident there. Her 38 year old boyfriend, who admittedly is uncomfortable around us, her family, because we are too religious etc., came to visit her from another state. The day before he arrived our daughter told us how happy she was in her classes. Yesterday, barely five days later, she left her home to go live, platonically she says, with his family and him. She hopes to continue her education in that state although she is not a resident there (out of state tuition), will have no job etc. She said that she will withdraw from her current college which is at mid semester.

Because she knew her mother and I would not understand such a hasty move; a move that seemed to have much urgency to it, she made up a horrible terrible lie. She told the parents of her young man the exact lie she was going to tell us. She also told them that there was too much pressure on her for her to continue to live with us. The lie was that she had married this young man in a civil ceremony the day before. Of course when you tell such a lie you presuppose your parents must not know anything about what it takes to get married.

It did no good that we suggested she take an apartment by herself, live with her grandparents, do anything she wanted just to give herself time to finish the semester. My wife and I were face with a daughter out of control and filled with the glory of her power. This was the same daughter that only a few days earlier had state so clearly just how much she loved us.

What should we have done? Legally she is of age and she of course knew it. Physical restraint? I considered it. I wanted to physically take hold of her and shout, slow down! I probably wanted to do more than that. After clearly stating our strong objections to just pulling out of school with no real understanding of what she was undertaking, my wife and I kissed her , told her we loved her so much that no matter what she said or did, she would always be our daughter whom we dearly loved. My wife said this was unconditional love. All I know is that I have never done anything so hard.

The most important hurt we, my wife and I, both felt was the realization that our daughter could deliberately plan a serious lie, understand the lie and the serious pain and hurt it would cause, and still decide to do it. Before she left she acknowledged that this was exactly what she had done. She said she felt she had done nothing wrong.

As hurt and angry as we are, this was just shattering. Her actions called into question everything we had ever stood for or done or believed as parents.

When this has happened to other parents, Linda and I always assured them that what their child was doing was not a personal reflection on their ability to be parents. Today we know first hand how they feel.

All things pass and good can be found in everything. Maybe this young man with whom she shares almost nothing in common is her real and true and God given love. Before they left our home, Linda, my wife, and I prayed for God's blessing to be on them. This made them very uncomfortable. I did not care. I did not have any difficulties with her choice of young men. If she chooses to get married I have no problems. It is the most natural and wonderful of life choices. The fact that this young man is uncomfortable with us because of our daily reading of the bible, our love of God, makes me so very uncomfortable for our daughter. Without God in their marriage from the start, the marriage would seem destined for failure. 0 Lord we pray that you will not allow them to fail.

We love her very much and know there is a fair chance she will find herself needing us down the road. We will be there for her, unconditionally.

February 21, 1988

Have you ever wondered if Jesus ever tried to run away from home? What would Mary and Joseph have done? Suppose Jesus, who according to all reports, decided to date a girl that Mary and Joseph didn't like. What do you think would have happened?

I know 1 could not happen. Mary and Joseph were the perfect parents, and, children of perfect parents don't do such things. Beside, Jesus is God and son grew up just right.

Ok, no problem. You know though, have you ever looked very hard at who Jesus hung out with when he grew up? Not the vest thought op people in society I mean come on, Mary Magdalene? Heck even his twelve special followers were somewhat of a motley crew. I know Jesus was God.

Well you know so what if he was God. He was also fully - and that means in every way - human. Humans have a tendency to do not so perfect things even if they come from the finest of families and homes. Sometimes in spite of that fact. What would be so wrong if Jesus did have a bit of a rebellious nature? He sure had one when he grew up. No one denies that!

Can you imagine being father God watching Mary and Joseph struggle with a bright sensitive young savior of your people who first or all wanted to get on with it? I mean do you remember when in the bible we read how he asked a worried Joseph and Mary, "don't you know I have to do my father's business?" Consider the Lord God commiserating with Mary and Joseph that, his son, their child, might age them beyond their time. Hey, don't laugh. It might have happened. You noticed we were not left with much knowledge about Jesus as a teenager.

I don't know. I may be writing sacrilegiously right now. I hope not and again do not think I am. In fact, as a father myself, I would kind of like to think God the father and Mary and Joseph did have one or two difficult moments with their son. Oh sure, like me and you, they knew Jesus would turn out fine. After all, Jesus is and was God. After all Jesus had the most perfect human parent a human could have and yes Jesus did have God the creator of everything for his real father. With all that going for him, he still managed to lose his temper physically in a place of worship. He still managed to choose unusual friends and followers. He still managed to get himself publicly nailed to a cross. He still managed to fulfill his parents -earthly and otherwise. Yes he, Jesus still not only fulfilled his purpose for being here, but actually did it willingly.

Being a father who has placed a great importance on fatherhood and it's inherent responsibilities; being a father who has endured hurt and pain in the growing up op his own children; it pleases me to no end that the God who created me "thought 90 much of me that he, God, might have suffered and loved and enjoyed fatherhood in much the same way as I. Not only does such a thing not take away or limit God in any way in my eyes, but, on the contrary, in this way God becomes even more precious to me. No question about it.

And Jesus, well look how he turned out. Pretty super. Makes me think, hope and believe that there is hope for my children yet.

February 22, 1988

What is hell? Many of us have been taught hell is fire. It is intense fire where someone who is in serious sin will burn literally forever upon death. Some of us believe hell is any existence anytime or place where God's presence is not. In the bible hell is variously described as: the pit of torment, an eternal fire, eternal punishment, outer darkness, eternal destruction, lake of fire and a place of separation. In the bible hell is a place prepared for: the devil and his angels, the wicked, angels who sinned, the beast and the false prophet, and worshipers of the beast. All in all, hell, is not a good place.

My wife and I were reading the book of Daniel yesterday. In the third chapter there is a story of mankind, hell, and hope and salvation. This is how we seemed to understand that story.

This king had gathered all of his money in one central location. This money was the outward sign of his power. It was an awesome display. The ruler gathered all his people together and laid it on the line. Bow down before my worldly power and thus bow down before me. If you do not then you will be killed in as horrible a fashion as is possible. You will be burned literally in fire.

The world is king and if you do not play the game according to the world's rules, you will be shunned, you will be made unhappy, you will die-until you are dead you will be terribly unhappy.

This king had several advisors. Some of which this king really respected. It is the same in our world. There are several people in this world that even if we do not love, we surely respect. Three of this king's advisors refused to bow down and worship their earthly ruler's earthly power. These three dared to be different. They were not being different for different's sake but rather because there was no other way for them to be. You see they believed in bowing down and worshiping one God. They believed their one God was the only God and that their God was the creator of all. In that belief there was no room for them to worship an earthly God, not even at the expense of their life.

The earthly king called his respected advisors before him. This earthly king was not pleased. For one thing he respected these three advisors and did not want to lose them. This earthly ruler was willing to show respect for their belief, he just wanted them to publicly acknowledge his belief in his God. They simply could not do that because they knew there was only one God and no other. The king in a rage told them that he was going to have the fire burning as hot as he could mare it and that if their God was so great, their God would come and rescue them.

Their answer is my faith. Even if our God does not come and rescue us from this fire and certain horrible death, we can not bow down and worship your God.

It seems that with all that seems to have gone wrong in my own life recently and it is considerable, I share their same answer. No matter the fire I am in, no matter I can not see beyond the moment and I am unsure of the moment, I will not worship another God. Like those advisors, I too, believe that my God will rescue me. But if he doesn't, it does not matter. He is my God and I believe in him! In the story as these three were thrown in the fire, a person variously described as a son of God or an angel of the Lord came and walked with them and they were saved. As they walked in this fire they gave praise to their God in word and deed. They acknowledged they had sinned in every way and yet went on to beg God for his mercy. They then acknowledged God as the one true God glorious over all the world. When they saw they were to be saved, they began pouring out their heart soul and mind in words of praise.

My wife and I think perhaps we are in this fire-we are in this hell. We have been praying to our God in much the same way as these advisors were. We think in the intense fire we are in God must surely be walking beside us. It is God walking beside us that has allowed us to survive so far. It is only because God is here right this moment with us that we are able to continue. If we are to come out of this fire it will only be because God is with us. There is no doubt we can not survive it on our own.

If we are to perish then it is important that we do not give up what we believe. What we believe is that God created us from himself. God created us from his infinite love and God dwells within us. God will never turn away from us-even if we perish, our belief will not.

The king saw the glory of God and ordered that all his domain would worship this all powerful God.

The world we live in has not acknowledged the glory of its god. The world we-live in worships false gods. What god do you worship? What world do you live in? What is your hell?

February 24, 1988

It is so hard not to feel angry at what is happening, or should I have said what seems not to be happening, have I not been humble enough, or sorry enough, have I not been contrite and prayerful and patient, have I not begged my God to in his love for me help me, what is it I am not doing, or being-please, Lord

No matter if God saves me or ignores me, he loves me. No matter if I am to be humbled even more, he loves me.

No matter what happens to me, God loves me and I love him! My God knows this is my answer and knew it would be so, yet still I am tested almost beyond endurance - and I do not understand why, I am beyond understanding.

I have come to the conclusion that it does not matter it simply is of no importance why all this is. What matters is my knowledge that my God loves me, it doesn't even matter that my God knows I know. It doesn't matter that I have continued to be faithful, what matters now is that I have need to feel my God's love!

That is where I am at, maybe not where I want to be. But still it is true, just knowing God loves me should be all one would ever need or want, should be. The truth is I need to feel God's love for me personally I need his love manifested in good positive action, an action that will enforce and support who I am trying to be?

So what happens if I do not set this action? Well God will still love me and I will still love God, this thing can not be changed for it is written in stone, no doubt my understanding and anger will grow more, it is just I see my God only as all powerful good love, this lack of obvious support seems not from my loving God

Lord God as you can see I am trying to reason through this and I am not doing so very well because I am scared Lord God please know I have sinned in everyway and, I do not deserve in any way your love or support, also know Lord God, just the same, I am counting on it. Please Lord God, do not get mad at me, just love me.

John

February 25, 1988

Ask and you shall receive, Jesus' words.

I know Jesus as my savior, my friend, my love, to say I believe what Jesus said to be true, would be like saying that I am a human being.

Seek and you shall find, knock and doors will be opened, this is the promise of my loving God, my savior Jesus.

I have been asking Jesus not to turn me loose and I have no reason to doubt he has let me go. I have asked Jesus to provide me with a job for him. And I have reason to doubt this is what he wants for me, I have sought the truth that I think Jesus wants of me.

I am seeking to do and be what it is Jesus would have of me, yet I do not seem to be finding just what that is, I have been knocking on doors begging to be let in, instead of opening, doors are shutting at every turn,

If I were still seeking to do my will, I could understand, but it is not so and Jesus I know acknowledges this, if I am knocking on the wrong doors and it seems to be so, it must be because I am not seeking what God wants me to, so Lord I am open, whatever it is you want, make it known: I am willing to do your will, I just need to know it,

I ask you my Jesus, my God, make your will known to me.

I ask you my God to provide me with a means to serve you, I ask you my God for this means to provide for my family, I seek what your answer. I await your answer. I need it.

Give me the right door to knock upon so that it might open.

If I am doing the right thing at this time, then give me the strength to be patient, to wait.

Give me the strength to keep on knocking on doors.

Please give me the strength to wait until you open a door.

Lord Jesus, I have tried to treat my children with love, even when I was terribly hurt and confused by their actions, Lord Jesus, you said the Father would love us more than I have loved my children and I know God loves me,

Lord Jesus, I am counting on your words, I depend on you.

I am ashamed of my weakness, my failings, my sins.

I ask the Father not to treat me as I deserve.

I ask the Father, the Son and the Spirit, as one God, just to love me.

John.

February 26, 1988

I am so angry at you, my God, It seems no matter what I do or no matter how hard I try, failure is all I can achieve!

No I am not feeling sorry for myself, yes I am tired of being a loser

I hurt so much over my failures,

Yet there seems to be nothing I can do.

My daughter ran away from home and me, my daughter is glad to be away from me, my daughter just wants a permanent home my daughter is all three daughters .

My wife tries with all she is to survive, my wife doesn't have what she needs. My wife never wants because she knows it can't be, my wife is the all and everything I have.

I want to change my being and get back what is mine, maybe nothing was really ever mine, I just thought it so, that is why I can not change things around,

It seems I lost all I had before I knew had it‑

I cling to an impossible belief that God will save me, what I need is for something wonderful to happen, I have almost given up hope but I choose not to, the only thing I have left is my belief that God loves me :

It is this belief that I cling to and can not give up, this hope I maintain that the loving creator God, that I believe dwells within me, knows I am trying to hang on, this is my strength and I admit it is getting weak.

Please Lord God don't get mad at me or desert me, please know depression causes unusual reactions.

This depression must go away but only you can make it so.

Please Lord God just love me and lift me from this mess!

John

February 27, 1988

Dear God,

My wife and I are applying for any position you might have open within your earthly kingdom.

I suppose you would be interested in just what we feel qualifies us for a position with you.

The truth is often we feel we have no qualifications other than a persistent love for you.

To begin with we have been married for about twenty three years. I hope that shows a willingness on our part to make something work. Since, as you know, we were both self centered and very selfish at the beginning of our marriage, it would seem that we have had to work all the harder to have a good marriage. With your love always present our marriage has grown and changed. Not only do my wife and I cherish and love each other, we are most willing to share this love with others-we have reached an understanding of marriage that calls us to care for our brothers and sisters who are also considering or entering or already entered into marriage. We see our marriage as a witness to who you have helped us become.

Another qualification might be that we are parents. I assure you Lord, not the best of parents but still parents of three daughters. One daughter is giving a year of her life to help those who have a need to learn. Another daughter has all but forsaken her religion for a young man. Still another daughter takes great pride in having parents who want to work for you.

My wife and I have taken every opportunity that was possible for us without neglecting our parenting or marriage responsibilities, to learn about you. We did this so that we could teach not only from our heart but also with responsibility. We have much more to learn.

The way we try to live is one of our qualifications. You see, Lord, we try to live in a way that shows our love for you and more important we hope the way we live shows our awareness of your love for us. We want people to see that you, Lord, are the center of our life. Now, Lord, sometimes, more often than not, we don't do this so well. We still try.

Finally Lord, you know what is in our heart. I started to joke and say, please consider us anyway. You know what is in our heart. If you want us as your servants, well, here we are.

Now Lord, if you do offer us a position, boy is this hard, Lord, you will have to remind us constantly and help us always because there isn't a chance we could do it on our own. We hope that doesn't discourage you Lord.

While we would certainly consider other positions that might be open in your heavenly kingdom, you could certainly understand that we feel we still have things here on earth that we would like to accomplish. Please understand at a not too later date we hope to apply for a heavenly position.

Thank you for considering us, Lord.

Hope to hear from you soon.

John and Linda

February 28, 1988

What changes right before you and stays the same?

What is constantly new and different and still the same?

What is always challenging and never easy?

What is wonderful, very costly and yet free?

To all of the above I give you one answer, life!

No matter how much changes, isn't it always the same? Everything that happens in life is new and different. It also is always the same in most every way that counts.

At the times when life would seem to be lazy and effortless, so often we are brought to reality in the most harsh of ways, it cost you and me the same thing to be born, nothing, yet in order to live we must always spend what we have not, life is all of this and much more !

Most of us would give anything to get our life in order, most of us have trouble accepting our life as out of order, there is not one of us willing to give up our life, because no matter our faith, no matter how hard life is, it is here now, present for us, It is ours to live, and we aren't sure what's on the other side of life, so indeed we spend much of our life trying to possess life.

I wonder how you slow life down, can it be prevented from leaving, and I doubt it can be even slowed just a little. Sometimes I want to scream at life, please one more chance, just give me one more moment to get things in order. Allow me just one more chance to live the way I want. Slow down life, there is so much I want, need to change, what most of us would give for such a chance,

You wake up one morning and you are no longer young,

You wake up and middle age is well settled in your life, you wake up and your life is out of order, in chaos, and what can you do? Absolutely nothing it would seem,

You feel so helpless and out of control, not knowing what to do, so you cling tighter than ever to what you believe, you beg your God to help you, you beg your God to love you,

And when this God turns what seems to be a deaf ear, when you seem to even have lost the ability to dream. It is at this time in your life that who you are becomes apparent for you have been stripped of all your clothing and shelter, it is now that what is inside of you must be good in nature, for it is from what is inside you that you will find survival, if you truly believe in your God, this God will know it now, if at this time you believe in the one true God.

This God will find a way to save you and you will live.

It is also at this time that many men are reborn, given new life, because these men have not turned away from their God. God did not turn away from them, indeed, God created them God created them from within so that in these men reside God, in this new life man and God burst forth as one on the world, and the world ready or not receives God and man in life.

It is strange because I have no special reason to feel as I do, yet, I have great expectations.

Perhaps these expectations are the result of all the prayers, all the fervent pleas, all that I have offered to my God. Maybe he has been answering me all along. It is just that if he has, I have missed his answer.

Maybe I am like Jonah of the bible in that God wants me to be somewhere I do not want to be. Maybe God wants me doing something I am not. That's ok. If I knew what it was, it would be fine.

Maybe like Jonah, God has had me swallowed up and will eventually have me spit out where he is determined to have me be. If again, I say if, that is so, no problem. I urge God to get on with it though. You see Lord, it is the not knowing, the inactivity, the frustration of not being able to do, this is what has fed my depression. This is why I am so confused and unhappy. It is not that I do not want to do what it is that you want me to do. As you, Lord, know, I have tried all the things I think you would want me to try with no success. I am a failure Lord, because you have not allowed me to be your servant. You, Lord, have not allowed me to be what you want me to be.

Ok, Lord, so your definition of what you want me to be and what I think you want me to be are somewhat different. So change my definition Lord until it matches yours. Just put me back in the game. In baseball a hitter can not hit unless he is allowed to bat. A pitcher can not strike a batter out unless he is allowed to pitch. A fielder can not catch a ball unless one is hit in his direction Lord.

Hey, I know the bench warmer is important. Bench strength is most important. Just knowing Babe Ruth is on the bench affects the game. Lord, are you sure I'm Babe Ruth? If I am your bench strength, well ok, it's really ok. I'd rather be your player. Please Lord make a player out of me. If I am not to be a player, then Lord, I am going to need strength I don't think I currently have. So please help me Lord.

Whatever it is you, Lord, want of me, it's fine. Really it is. I do not promise to be quiet about it though. I will pester you Lord until maybe you will give me one more chance to play. I know I can be a good player. I just need your permission.

Like I said, Lord do with me what you want. In fact no matter my protestations Lord, don*t turn me loose. Never turn me loose. The one thing I am counting on above all other things is your love for me. I am counting on my God not ever giving up or turning me away. This is my being, my soul, my entirety.

I just need Lord for you to straight forwardly put me where I should be doing what you want me to do. Don*t be offended Lord, but please get on with it!

I am expecting a miracle. I wish I could say I didn't care what kind of miracle it was. That is not true. I am expecting the miracle of being allowed back into the game. I am expecting the miracle of being allowed to be a player.